The Ultimate Mental Health Healing Roundtable Chat (with Oreo Brewer)

[00:00:02] We met, we loaded, we edited. Sometimes we get so deep into conversation that we have separate segments worthy of their own place in the sun. Here is a reshuffled mini episode. Well I'm your goofball host, Sully, and with me is reoccurring moderator, Oria Brewer. What's up? What's up?

[00:00:35] So he came to me and said, we got to talk about it. It's gotta be this week. And I'm like, let's do it. Let's fucking do it. Yeah. How about we have a discussion roundtable if you will on the state of mental health.

[00:00:56] We're all feeling it but not all of us are comfortable talking about it. Just like, hey, let's do it. Yeah. My mental health story goes back 18 years ago. Oh man. I know. Yeah. You're honest.

[00:01:23] This is going to be one of the most honest and heavy and deep podcasts that I've done. Honestly. And for warning to those of you with autism and dissociation, pay attention. We'll re-listen to it very slowly. I promise you, you won't miss a damn thing. So 18 years ago, 2006.

[00:01:57] Oh my. I was on all poetry under Immortal Beloved. That's what my poet name still is. And I was into roleplay because they had roleplay community on there. It was nice. And we all bonded in different ways. We bonded over our work. We bonded over ideas.

[00:02:23] We had a good time. It was an organic thing. You know how good organic chemistry is, right? Oh, we love it. Because there's nothing, there's no bullshitting. You can't replicate it. You can try but it doesn't really work out.

[00:02:43] Anyway, I was, well, I was friends with a mama there and she turned out to be a pedophile. 2006, that's a key year. That's when we're seeing all kinds of technology stuff and how you can do tutoring. You can have PowerPoints in classrooms.

[00:03:07] There's so much shit that people take for granted now. After school programs much. But now, hey, now we're playing on board games. Now we're playing with people who we don't even normally hang out with during the day. I know.

[00:03:21] And it was so wild because months before this, me and her were really good friends. And then she said, well, I'm doing this with all these underage boys and girls. And she's like, why? Really? How did we even get here? Let's see.

[00:03:39] I'm going to tell the whole fucking story. Screw it. No, it's a heavy fucking story of mine that I told to I told the aftermath of it to two friends of mine. I never told I wrote the whole story up as an autobiography three years after that.

[00:04:03] But yet. She was a true she was a really good person at first. And I was like this really nice. She's so cool. She's fun. She's from Canada. She's great and best friends, best lovers and amazing. Just absolute great connections.

[00:04:25] And then she's like, well, yeah, I like she's doing all that shit. She's going through a divorce for kids custody about all the kids. She'd been raped when she was in high school by the head football guy. She had seizures and she just.

[00:04:53] She was wild, but she was really nice. And then I told her, you got to stop doing this shit like seriously. Like, go there. Yes, for us like stop cyber and was underage boys and girls because that's bad. And you're also breaking up relationships that have just blossomed.

[00:05:16] The beautiful thing about 2006 was this was for me it was two years out of high school. And everybody that I role played with was my age to 13. Tina was the old she was 32 at the time. She was a photo and it was nice like we did.

[00:05:41] The thing was age didn't matter when we were role playing. We were like we played whoever we wanted to be. And nobody really cared how old we were. And that's that was nice. Nobody gave a shit. And it was so wild.

[00:05:58] Like it was so much fun because we connected on different things like all you're still in school. I just graduated a few years ago. That's always a great feeling. And at that point no one knew any how to kind of explain that.

[00:06:12] I think I think we were just all like, you know, it's just a cool sensation. But it's not. Yeah, because they were like, oh, what's it like being out of school? It's like it's fucking great. No homework, no backpack looking around. Jesus Christ. But yeah, Tina.

[00:06:31] So she went and read my sister and I didn't appreciate that at all. So she thought it'd be a smart idea to say that I would never be anything more than a toy. And I'm like, all right, bitch. Yeah, I'm a toy.

[00:06:53] So I wrote a poem called Boy Fights Back. And that was my masterpiece. And it got banned off the website because I named names that she had been fucking around with. I named people that she was with. I put I made fun of her seizures.

[00:07:19] I made fun of her broken marriage or custody battle. I disarray that her show. Yeah, I went off the fucking rails on her. I didn't give a fuck. Like you cross the line twice and then you hurt my feelings. I never trust you again.

[00:07:45] I don't give a fuck. And it got me banned off the site for a week, I think or so. Yeah, we've all it's happened a lot. I know my brother got persuaded by her friends like, hey, don't talk shit about this one person.

[00:08:07] You know, like people would say all kinds of stuff and I would see them deny. Oh, no, I never said that. If we had a tape right now, trust me, you said it. We have all used, you know, 2000 was weird.

[00:08:24] You know, even if we said we were a certain way, we would still talk shit behind the scenes because, you know, gay mate meant dumb. Yeah, lame. I mean, half the time I feel like we're doing that now with the word woke.

[00:08:37] Now, it's kind of a strange and unusual. It really is. I don't even really know what kind of place we're in other than that. Everyone's kind of it's not even really confusing so much as it is unsettling. Yeah.

[00:08:53] And I should rewind back because 2006 itself, I was at the peak of my dissociation and the beginning of my autism as I realized what respectively. So that whole year, yeah, that year, DGN ex reunited.

[00:09:13] So that was my driving force to go one after her ass on all poetry. Oh, yeah, I know. Right. That was great. God, it was such a fucking rush doing this shit. It took so much out of me.

[00:09:30] And that's why I stress, like, if you have autism or dissociation, I do not recommend doing role play because it got worse as the months went on. It really got. Sorry. That's not your fault. You didn't call it.

[00:09:47] Oh, and no kind of school can shield us from this. You know, like, there's always going to be some kind of, you know, we're going to be in the same situation. You know, like, there's always going to be someone who gives you that stink eye.

[00:10:02] But it got worse. There were so we all still got along great we still did our role playing everything. The beauty of it was we connected so well that it graduated from the site to MSN Yahoo, AIM, Messengers and then graduated.

[00:10:24] We had to ask for phone calls with each other. That was fun. I loved that. And I still have some friends from back then. So a lot stuck around but not many. And during that time frame, it was just so fucking insane.

[00:10:44] I was at the it was I was unbeknownst to me. I was slowly becoming somewhat of a cult leader because I went up against her and I didn't even I didn't even realize this is the fucking dangerous thing about role play.

[00:11:06] Is that when you're online and you're saying things, doing things and people gravitate toward what you say and take it as like word of like sacred word. It's your Bible. It's what you do. Oh, man. It's crazy. And I didn't realize this until October 06.

[00:11:33] And that was when I just I I settled in for the long haul to take her down because it took a while to bring her ass off site. I went after her so fucking hard, man. Like I didn't stop.

[00:11:50] Stop and no were not in my category at that time. I did not know those words. I went straight at her. I kept going and going on to get her off the fucking site. And everybody was blurring lines between reality and life or reality and role play.

[00:12:11] Have the time. Do you feel like that's kind of half why everyone signs up nowadays? Yeah, it's like so I can get away with it.

[00:12:20] Yeah, I would never bullies obviously, but some of them are now like I want to just talk shit and not be able to come. No, for real. And it's and I stress this so much with people who follow celebrities and get attached to them.

[00:12:40] Like you do not know them. You don't know them. You don't know jack shit about them just because they like one of your statuses or they signed an autograph for you or had a good chat with you doesn't mean they like you.

[00:12:57] They were you were waiting in line to talk to them for X amount of time. They had to sit there and wait for you. And if it was a long line, you can imagine they're in a bad fucking mood and they don't really care.

[00:13:12] Outside of talking to you, they have their own lives. They don't give a shit about you and your little shitty existing. They probably don't even give a shit about themselves. Even should think about it. Like so many horror stories about this. And it's sad like that.

[00:13:32] You think they're so happy and shit. And they're really not like stop idolizing them. That's a good segue. That's a good segue, my dude. Not to veer off your conversation.

[00:13:42] But like I was when I was prepping for this because yes guys we come from the heart but we also outline everything. But like I think that is the number one thing. I hear it in every conversation. Every breakdown on what I want versus what I need.

[00:13:59] And it just seems like it always comes down to I want this. But I don't want the responsibility or someone else wants this but they're probably not happy. Nah. Definitely like it's the whole thing of want versus need. Want versus need.

[00:14:19] Dan if I do, Dan if I don't. Definitely. It's a hell of a time. And it gets to that point where it's just like let's just stop. And I went up against her associates and oh my god they were fucking assholes.

[00:14:41] Everybody was an asshole in the whole RPK. And as the months went on, I didn't even realize I had a massive ego.

[00:14:57] Most of us don't because we're kind of I don't think we teach ourselves but I think we want to be badass just to cope and make up for the fact that we don't have much of what we want to.

[00:15:09] One of the big things that was cool about the RP community was vampire family embarrassment. And the big thing with that was in the beginning it was about growing the numbers.

[00:15:25] And that was cool because at first it was the biggest group with 34 members and then as time went on it was 66. And then it was 99. I was like wow and I was like oh only a third of them fuckers are active anyway.

[00:15:42] Because everybody was just like oh we're gonna build this group up, build it up, build it up and then only like a portion of it's really active. And that was so dumb. It was a great idea but stupid.

[00:15:55] And the whole community got toxic as time went on too. It's hard to keep a ship running and I don't know man like when I was playing volleyball and other stuff I would sometimes. Oh snap, I love volleyball.

[00:16:15] I do too. And even if people were douche one day and then kind of cool the next I kind of wanted to, I don't think I wanted to fit in but I wanted to be in the room, hang out.

[00:16:29] When stuff got stupid. Ironically that worked for my better. When stuff got shitty I ran in the opposite direction. And I said, I want to go to study hall. I want to sit this crappy game out.

[00:16:41] But yeah when I still would laugh at stupid jokes that really didn't have any punchline or pretend to be cool and as it came on it became very apparent I'm not going to be accepted into this crowd but I at least want to look semi normal.

[00:17:00] But what does normal mean? Yeah like I just wanted friends but I also was very annoyed at how people were, many I encountered were chasing tail. Or just talking sports. I'm like fuck sports.

[00:17:22] I don't want to do it if I'm not playing it and I already kind of hate activity and I don't own an Xbox so yeah I don't really want to play that Xbox game but movies are your movies? No, you know, don't give a shit about movies, games or anime or blah blah blah.

[00:17:39] So it kind of just came down to okay we don't have much in common but I want to find something to first to validate each other so it kind of just got to that point where I was like okay whatever, I don't care.

[00:17:49] I'm gonna go home and I got a loving family and that's really all I need but I get that's hard for other people who don't have that. Mm hmm. Yeah. That shit just oof. And then, and this is how bad my dissociation was back then. Oh I'm sorry.

[00:18:10] This was, it's funny but it's also like really horrible. I was so keen on getting her off the site that I rounded up all the angel poets. I will emanate you with extreme justice. Yes, exactly. Exactly that like I gathered all of them up.

[00:18:33] You were like Darth Vader Obi-Wan, I would become more powerful than you would ever imagine. No, I gathered all of them up and I told them, I was like we're gonna kill her. My words exactly. Fuck dude.

[00:18:49] So this is eating you up all these years later where you're just like see, I don't even know this person, I just hated them and it's just a game. Oh no, no, I got around about 200 angel poets because I thought they were all really angels shit.

[00:19:04] Oh yeah, I got all these angels, they'll kill you. Do you feel like you were spending too much time in front of it and that was fucking with your mind or? I was consumed, I was addicted.

[00:19:16] Like I talked about in therapy today and she's like yeah sounds like you were addicted. But there were good sides to it but with the angels and shit, like they looked, one of them liked it because like wow we're all gathered up that's really cool.

[00:19:31] That's great that you did this but what's role playing? I'm like, okay. And like the worst thing I did, her daughter was on the site too at the time and she's and she was like sort of a go between when we weren't talking.

[00:19:53] And she's like what'd you, she asked me one day what I did to her mom and stuff like why are you so angry? I'm not stopping till her head's on the plate. Wow. Yeah, I didn't give a fuck.

[00:20:09] I was so dissociating and so angry, so rage filled and just one track mind. I did not give a fuck. And yeah it was bad. I think the most petty I ever was was I would just hate someone just because their voice was whiny or annoying.

[00:20:34] Me with Russell Lamie, I actually unsubscribe from them because I can't stand one dude's voice. Well see that's different compared to I just, it's the worst big step up from like I hate your face to I just hate that you shouldn't exist or whatever.

[00:20:53] I'm but like there were even times where I would see people play pranks on each other and as long as it didn't happen to me, I didn't care.

[00:21:01] So it kind of got to where there were times where I'm like you know what's the difference between a student and a thug?

[00:21:09] Like I got to that point because I saw so many people playing pranks on each other pulling each other's pants down playing pranks and or just it even got to where now I'm even

[00:21:22] more picky like when I see people say you know I hate you just to be funny like I don't even find that funny because I'm like you're not joking. I hate you man. Yeah so I would see so much of that too. Fuck you. I'm like yeah sure.

[00:21:38] We're not having sex go away. I should, that's what I hated too is just they did you all these other jokes and was like. Oh I got in trouble in high school for I was joking around with who the fuck was that?

[00:21:57] I think it was Don Lee maybe or it was Doug or Don wanted to. I was like I'm going to shank you and I said it in front of the school counselor for best and behavioral something student shit. I don't know.

[00:22:19] I can't remember the acronym but I said that and he flipped the fuck out. He's like you need to leave and then he's like come on sit down. What the hell did I do? I'm like what the fuck is wrong? Like you know what you said?

[00:22:33] I'm like yeah I'm going to shank him. He's like you know what that is? I'm like yeah pull his pants down and run away laughing. He's like no it's not. I had a punk ass kid do that to me once.

[00:22:45] Like they urinated on my pants so I couldn't even hear them. Unfortunately one of the assistant coaches saw it and he said you detention after class. But that little shit took a piss in my pants. He was one of those guys.

[00:23:01] He was like the douchebags who want to be like Peter Griffin or Cartman on South Park. They're laughing but they're nodding on the joke that they're a villain protagonist. They loved all kinds of jokes. If people got hurt they were gut busting laughing.

[00:23:23] Whether it's in real life or not I don't know. People they got sick minds dude. But I'm just like you took a piss on my pants. What the fuck did I do to you little shit? I just met you. Principal comes in the office.

[00:23:37] Principal comes in your office. And he's the nice one. He's so suave. He's not going out of his way to make a payday. He's calm as hell. I'm a district attorney and I'm keeping order. He looks at me and he's like what?

[00:23:50] I'm like tell him what you said. I'm like I'm going to shank you. And he's like and he sits down crosses his legs and sighs and looks at me shaking his head. Then the guidance counselor is like do you know what that means? And I was like no.

[00:24:09] It's like it's a prison term for stabbing someone. I'm like how the fuck am I supposed to do this? And the person was like you know better now. I'm like yeah I know. I don't know man.

[00:24:23] It doesn't help that they make all this stuff that's fucked up cool. But what's really funny is the guidance counselor was so fucking dead serious. He's frantic and all that. He wants to laugh and humor away out of it and say don't do it again.

[00:24:39] But the other guy did so he can't laugh along with you saying what the fuck dude. Principal's like he just sits there and he's like I hope you don't do this again. He unprocesses the legs. He puts his hands on his knees. Yeah this was 2003 actually.

[00:24:58] This is funny shit. He stands up and he's like alright have a good day. And then the counselor is like thank you Dr. Dungleberger for coming in here. So he dismisses him first. I know. And he's like don't you guys ever do that again. It's a joke.

[00:25:16] Jesus Christ. Lieutenant Mernik. And then back to RP and shit. People have to realize I mean it was hard to just find ways to. We didn't have it good. We don't have I don't I don't know. The difference between yeah the difference between me.

[00:25:41] Me and you versus this generation. Sorry. My way on sting anyway. Yeah the difference between me you and this generation is the fact that we grew up without all this technology we knew how to handle ourselves in a situation we didn't need to rely on social media.

[00:26:07] We didn't even have it yet. Fucking MySpace hasn't come out yet. MySpace. MySpace hasn't come out yet. All we had was fuck yeah definitely. All we had was messengers and dial-up and that was it and some new cell phones that were just now coming out. And that's it.

[00:26:32] We didn't need. We got together. We got together. We got together. Let's get together. Yeah. And talked and bullshitted and we. You go to your cool uncle's house yeah. Yeah. We got together we would pitch in money for a pizza. We'd pitch in money for drinks.

[00:26:51] I miss those days anyone got $1. Oh fuck dude. That's the disconnect with this generation. I'm just kidding. It's just funny it's like everything was still in its infancy like we were doing good and then social media took hold with Facebook. I won't even include MySpace. It fucking sucked.

[00:27:17] Yeah like my Facebook was nice at first but then just. Stop poking me. What else am I supposed to do with this shit? It's poking. And then Twitter and Instagram. Have you heard how the poking has become now? I don't know. I heard it came back.

[00:27:36] Came well so you're halfway unintentionally close. I once saw a guy say oh well so now it's it's a gay thing. What's. Like a post I saw today on Twitter about Peter saying that you're saying I like you now.

[00:27:54] I'm like maybe you're are you picking up dating advice on Tinder or some shit? No it's it's annoying people and let you know you're a lie. That's what it's for.

[00:28:05] It's like that's the whole thing with Peter today on Twitter saying that white milk is connected to white supremacy. I'm like get the fuck out of here. White milk. Related to. White supremacy. I was like I'm smart ass. I'm like a tag. I'm like black and proud.

[00:28:25] Hashtag Peter black supremacy supporting the Black Panther. Well the irony is Peter is actually behind a lot of the various animal killings and everything. So it's you know why people follow them when they don't do what they claim to do. So yeah no. Yeah no.

[00:28:51] Facebook is definitely part of the shit show but I do feel like there's something else to be said. I feel like. Like it's like get off the digital heroin base. That's it. Just get off the digital heroin. Yeah.

[00:29:07] And when I do this podcast I still have a limit. I still will make time to get off of here and take care of me but I don't. I don't know.

[00:29:18] My screen time on my phone the most I spent and the reason it goes up is because I have my phone open because I'll be doing a review or something. So my notes section is like three hours on my. There you go.

[00:29:30] But on average if I look at if I'm on my apps and stuff I spend a total of checking social media. About an hour and that's it. A whole hour total. And that is it. I'm like I'm good. Nice.

[00:29:48] But with role play back then like I was on there frequently because I wanted we were keeping up with what was going on. One of the funny things that went on was I don't remember the girl's name but her character was pregnant.

[00:30:04] So she took she took to the extreme too. But it was a funny method acting.

[00:30:11] Yeah she went through the whole three trimesters of pregnancy with her character and it was so cool and I'm like this is so and I look back now like that's so fucking innovative for 2006.

[00:30:28] Like you have this girl who goes through a whole pregnancy routine for nine months straight didn't fuck up at all. Kept it going and it was amazing. I was like wow that is so cool and it was funny.

[00:30:44] It was funny cool because I was like this is innovative and I didn't think about that. I'm like this is just really fucking cool. And it's wild.

[00:30:54] And one of the things that really there were so many good things about the community you had good people who you could talk to if you had an issue. Allegedly. You had I know right. You had your assholes who didn't really care for anything.

[00:31:16] You had me versus Tina and everybody around waiting to see what the fuck was going to happen with that. Oh my god that was a mess. Oh such a mess. Fight fight fight. Literally.

[00:31:33] And you know my poems I wrote them like I can reread a lot of them because I had to repost the RP war diaries on Wattpad again because Wattpad took it down because it clashed with the content guidelines. Wattpad. Because I posted everything that was in the Wattpad.

[00:31:51] I had a lot of evidence. I had text messages. I had conversations from MSN Yahoo. So it was even worse reporting that back day. Then it had to be like on a big like Microsoft or Sony server for them to say what's going on.

[00:32:08] And then you had to have a lot of people who were like, oh, I'm going to be a fucking great guy. I saved everything. People don't know that about. They didn't know I saved all that shit. I saved. I still have all of it.

[00:32:23] I have photos of me with your pants. Yeah. I got original names, clan names, timestamps, conversations. All that shit. And most of it was stuff Tina was doing and threatening and whatnot. And I'm like, is this what I got? Or was it always just.

[00:32:45] She got banned off the site in June 15th, 2007 for cyber and with a 14 year old on her spare accounts. One of the spare accounts that she had to go to was a I didn't get her out of the RP community itself until December 1st, 2006.

[00:33:04] But October 2006, I know I hit my mental limit. I cracked. I faked it. I was like, oh, I'm going to be a fucking great guy. I'm going to be a fucking great guy. I was like, oh, I'm going to be a fucking great guy.

[00:33:20] I was like, oh, I'm going to be a fucking great guy. I was like, oh, I'm going to be a fucking great guy. I did my mental limit. I cracked. I faked my death. And when I did, yeah, it was bad on the counter in real life.

[00:33:36] All real life. All of it. You see all of it blurred together. Everything blurred together. There was no middle line anymore. It was one line. And I just I faked my death and half that community. Believe me, half didn't.

[00:33:55] And the ones who were loyal to me at that point went after her and blamed her for it. And she wasn't having any of that. She didn't want to hear that shit. And she got pissy with everybody who called her out and started getting real territorial.

[00:34:17] And then I took a break and then I came back with a new character. And I actually have two characters. I had Tavian Wildstorm and Marianne Overy. And I had some of them. They were great. Then I made two kingdoms up.

[00:34:41] I had the Kingdom of Avaris and the Marianne Kingdom. And then it was great stuff. It was nice because I was so back then I was very creative and super innovative with my work and my characters and my thought process because I was running on full steam.

[00:35:00] Then like I had everything on my hands. I was running an art court. The X was in full swing. I'm in full swing. I'm taking on a pedophile. I'm not stopping until she's dead. My creativeness is off the fucking charts. My work is great.

[00:35:16] I'm getting trophies left and right from my poems. I'm getting compliments on them. Great feedback. My stories were good too. So in a way you found the better side of you. In the darkness. In the darkness. I think that's the other thing too. It's a double edged sword.

[00:35:36] Or in goes J. Michael Straczynski. Understanding. Truth is a understanding is a three edged sword. Your side, their side and the truth. Yeah. Yeah. And it was wild. But yeah, October. Yeah. Faked my death. I was super elaborate about it too. That was role play man. Like fuck.

[00:36:00] And a lot of people were genuinely sad that I was dead. Like I didn't realize how heavy that was. Like back then, I didn't care. I was like fucking who cares? And I was just mentally broken. I was emotionally broken. I was like,

[00:36:20] I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what to do with my life. I was mentally broken. I was emotionally tired. I was psychologically. And I was like, I can't fucking do it anymore. I can't take it anymore.

[00:36:37] And then it was such a push to get her out of. The fucking group out of a various, because that's where she ruled from. Oh, trust me, dude. That I used to be on toxic forums all the time and I kept getting banned.

[00:36:51] I used to be on all the time. And if you'd be told, if I had to do it over again, I would've just done what I do nowadays when I meet someone shitty online. I just would have blocked them and sit and just.

[00:37:05] If someone really, really pressured me, it would've been like, yeah, in my constructive take, those guys are very unprofessional and just very shitty. But I kept spending time and I kept getting the same results. I'd work hard. And then I would get a lot of people to just,

[00:37:22] you know, even well and this is it. And then it even got little. It's just stats and brackets. It just got to where everyone pretty much just wanted to rip each other. They were like, oh, it's your pick sucks. Yeah. No. Okay.

[00:37:40] And there was a one time man. Tina actually talk. I think it was. I think it was in October. I think it was in October. I think it was in October. I think it had been around. So October and November.

[00:37:55] And it was on her spare accounts that she had. And she's like, isn't this nice? We're talking. Not fighting. We're talking like, yeah, sure. And I'm like, yeah. And you keep cybering. Boys and girls. And she said, there you go. Yeah, there I go.

[00:38:13] I mean, I don't know how. It's not that fucking hard. It really is. And it's not. I mean, I get it. Like I get the impulse. I get that shit. I really do. But at the same time, you know, You're we feel like we have to respond. Yeah.

[00:38:37] Like you're a grown adult. And you're a fucking with teenagers and you have a teenage age. And a. How old was the boy? I think he was seven or eight at the time. I'm like, you have two kids that are growing up. One's already in her teens.

[00:38:55] And the other one is. And then all the ventures full and you're fucking with teenagers online. Like. And then her daughter. One said that she had a mental issue. Or something. Some psychological shit going on with her. I don't know. It was her medication.

[00:39:12] She was taking that major. Yeah, they're going too far and. Feel like you got to respond to these guys. Like. And I. Oh God. I was so cocky back then. I accused the moderators of being in Tina's pocket.

[00:39:32] Because I was like, it's so funny how I'm getting banned and she's not. She must have a mod in her pocket. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

[00:39:46] The one mod that I was friends with. Was. And I lost her a few weeks ago to pancreatic cancer. I'm sorry. Yeah. She was cool. She's like, that's a bold accusation. You have evidence. Some like. The shoe fits. And. You got to have evidence to prove this.

[00:40:05] And I'm like, all right. I'm going to go there. Yeah. For real. You really want to. Like, fuck. Oh my. But like. I enjoyed the RP community. It was nice. I had my favorite creations were the slaughterhouse. I paid in Marion. Kingdoms of the various and. Marion kingdom.

[00:40:28] Kingdom of Egypt's. Kingdom. Your ass. No. I was a little bit of a. I was a little bit of a. I was a little bit of a. Kingdom era. That was fun when I came back after my initial first. Year long band. But in the end.

[00:40:49] It was just so rough. Like one of the more touching stories out of this. Really hit home for me was. One of my friends in there. Stereous. He was great guy. He was. General. He was. He was. I was. And. And back then. Oh, I was a vampire.

[00:41:11] Like an hybrid. He was a. Werewolf something. I forget. And. Yeah. Cause under rolled was popular. It was the emo phase. It was the emo generation. It was fun. And one of the touching stories with Darius was that. His little brother. His real life. He was a vampire.

[00:41:33] Since he was like. I forget. I think like two or three. And he found him. During this timeframe. This is, this is from this started. March 12th, 2006 and ended December 1st, 2000. Well, It fully ended with Tina June 15, 2007. But. Her rain ended. In December six. 2006. And. And.

[00:42:01] Nine months of hell. This motherfucker found his little brother. And was reunited with him and said, you know, I'm done with role play. I'm like. Go. That's that's good. Go. And he loved, he loved the community. He was a great fun guy. He was also a. He was.

[00:42:24] Neo Nazi too. He was a great guy. He was a great guy. And he was a great guy. But not like part four about it. You're just like, Oh, I'm like Nazis too. Or was that. Or was that. No, it was there is. It was there is.

[00:42:38] But he was a great guy. He wasn't. Massive racist, but he was just like. I am white power. But he was low key about it, but he was a great guy. And him finding his little brother was such a good moment. And I love that about him.

[00:42:56] And I'm, I hope they're still doing good. I haven't heard from him since he left. And that was like, he evolved from his improvise. For real. Like I. Because he loved his little brother more than anything. He loved that was so much.

[00:43:14] And for him to find him again, like that, I was so happy. Everybody was happy for him. And I think that was the only thing that left that left a small void in the community because you know, he was part of it from the start. And.

[00:43:32] Yeah, like there were, there was a time we took over the chatterbox on all. Just bullshitting in the old chatterbox. And it was so much fun. People were so pissed off about it. And I loved all poetry. It was my, it's still my home.

[00:43:48] It changed so much back then. We had a thriving RP community. We had thriving contest shoes from. There were great contest holders too. And now. 21, no 18 years later. I joined in 2003. But yeah, all these years later, I'm still in the same place. I'm still in the same place.

[00:44:18] All those contest holders and poets. I love they're gone. Some of them are even dead. And I hate that. Like it's so sad. So many of them are gone now. And the site is just not. That's fun anymore. I only talked to one person on there now nowadays.

[00:44:37] Cause she liked my work and I like her work and she's really cool. Gotcha. I'm going to go ahead and say that. I'm going to go ahead and say that. All right. And it sure seems common. Yeah. And it was really wild thinking of like retrospectively running

[00:44:51] into a female pedophile is rare. Hell, unless you're watching fucking news ads. Oh, Today in the news teachers seduce the student with sexual behavior. And it's a woman. It's like, ha. And I was like, I don't know what it was. I was like, Oh,

[00:45:13] that's someone who was my calculus teacher in high school. Your calculus teacher. And so I'm well, he was cool at just saying, we're going to get this. But when he wasn't spending time trying to find out who had stolen the answers. To one of the tests.

[00:45:27] But yeah, I, I get, I find out, oh, he's not even subtle about like. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Did he try to seduce you? Did he try to seduce you with boobs on a calculator? No, no, no.

[00:45:41] It was one of those. He's not going to put his hand on anyone, but he still has kiddie porn on his desktop and. Oh, lovely. But, and he's. Found in his. You know. Classroom. With the door wide open with his pants down. And yeah, just like.

[00:45:56] I'm just like. That's sad. That's sad. Dude made me believe in something. I know, right? Like it's always the ones that make you believe in something that are the worst. Or they have the most shit to hide me. My shit's out in the open.

[00:46:10] I have nothing to fucking hide. Right. Like I read one of my old poems and it was literally like, I don't know what it was. It was like, I don't know what it was. I don't know what it was. I don't know what it was.

[00:46:22] I don't know what it was. I don't know what it was. Like it was literally a confessional piece. And I'm like, why the fuck did I say all that? Like Jesus. Like the first one is I have the capacity to be a pedophile. I'm like, No. I don't.

[00:46:41] Why was I thinking that at the time? Like no. Like, you know, just fucking gross. Where did that come from? Yeah. What happened to that? Like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like what the fuck did I do to deserve this? Like, like, I was a fucking pedophile.

[00:47:01] I was a pedophile like them when I was lost in my dissociation and shit. And everything. And God, the toll it took on me. Hmm. Well, It got to the point where I had pushed Tina. So, or she made those 15 accounts. My friend, Care Bear. She got one.

[00:47:20] I'm not done. And she's like, you need to stop for real. Like you have pushed her to her limits and beyond. She is terrified of you. She is scared of you. She has made all these accounts to get away from you on purpose because you are terrifying her.

[00:47:43] You are frightening to her. She can't sleep at night. I'm like, good, fuck her. She don't deserve no sleep. And she and God love Carabert. She was so good to me. And I fucked that

[00:48:00] bridge up too. Because I yeah, me and I didn't handle being rejected by her too well years later and blew up on her. And I didn't remember blowing. So fast forward to sometime last decade, I forget when we were talking, I was like, Oh, how are you doing?

[00:48:25] Because I missed her. And I was like, Wow, man, I was like, Oh, I miss you so much. And we haven't talked in so long. She's like, you say why are you message? Saying I see how she's thinking. Yeah, I'm like, guy loses marbles.

[00:48:42] I'm like, what's wrong? And she's like, you don't remember? Like, what am I supposed to remember? And she's like, you blew up on me. Like, when? What did I do? Yeah, literally? What did I do? And she's like, when we were talking last time, I'm like,

[00:49:05] let me think. Oh, yes. And it hit me everything I said to her. And you know, I said, I told her I was like, you know, I'm sorry I did that. I wish I hadn't done

[00:49:22] it. And I'm sorry I ruined our friendship that way. And she's like, I accept your apology, but I don't want nothing to do with you no more. So just please leave me alone. I'm like, all right, I can do that. And I'll let her learn ever since.

[00:49:36] And it sucks because she was a real great fucking woman. And she was so good to me. And I regret that I burned that bridge. It sucked. It really sucked because I lost a good friend because I feel like half the people in the world could be friends.

[00:49:56] Yeah, ironically, we met in the worst possible places to meet. It always happens that way. Yeah, that whole war with Tina. Oh, that was so taxing. It broke me in ways I never thought possible. After that was over, I was banned

[00:50:19] in December of six right after I think it was December. It was like a few days after she had stepped down because I still had contact with people inside the community because I want to know what the hell happened. Is she gone? What

[00:50:39] happened? Tell me please somebody help me out because I can't get back on site because they banned my IP address. They were very active about that. I think it still happens on Facebook though people get stuff

[00:50:55] that is blocked and you're like, why didn't you block all these other guys who were saying way worse shit? Word. And I had people sending me stuff telling me what was going on. And it sucked being on the outside looking in.

[00:51:14] It was a massive reflection time too because I was still in RP mode so I'm like, I still want to fucking role play and shit. I want to do whatever. Want to play?

[00:51:26] Yeah, literally I kept going back. I made so many spare accounts to get back on that site and they kept getting banned one by one. I was a motherfucker. And it's made me so mad. I'm like, it's fucking mad. And it just drove me nuts and shit. And

[00:51:51] it got so it just pissed me off. And then I finally came back again. I'm coming back motherfucker. Literally, I came back in 2008 and and now I'm still in touch with people in LA. I didn't come back in LA.

[00:52:09] I'm trying to keep track because I wrote everything down. My past self, my 2009 self was smart enough to upload everything on Writers Cafe. Yeah, literally like I uploaded everything on there because I lost everything on there because when you're banned off the site and Tina knows this,

[00:52:32] all she paid for most of those accounts. So when you're banned, you don't get a refund. You can sign up for a free account and have access to everything. Well, you get basic access and then if you sign up for

[00:52:45] silver or gold, you get a lot more stuff. But I had a basic account. She had a bunch of paid accounts. So when she got banned, she lost all that money she put into the site. And I was like, stupid bitch. And

[00:53:03] me, you know, I lost my account. I was like, fuck, I was so angry. I'm going to crack it. Yeah. So I put everything on Writers Cafe and that included the RP War Diary. So I put everything in there. Everything is timestamped. And when I went to re-upload

[00:53:25] it again on Wattpad because I had to remit 20 or 30 pieces because that was all personal shit, I couldn't remember the dates. And I was like, wait a minute. Let me check Writers Cafe. And then lo and behold, there it was. Everything dated and

[00:53:47] properly stamped with what I did. I was like, fucking thank you, that's awesome bastard. So I got all that reposted without the personal shit. And it was pretty heavy looking back at everything I wrote. Like, I saw my rise in my writing and then my decline

[00:54:13] because I was so depressed and lost. I was immensely lost, man. Like it was so bad. And what do you think you would do different? All I know is I would spend less time in front of a screen and probably try to

[00:54:33] find after school groups, find out how to, I don't know. Pull a Mary Kayle or turn up. No, I wouldn't do that shit. I wouldn't do D&D but I would do something that just feels right. Put the D in the D.

[00:54:55] It doesn't fit, man. Shut up, dude. Try it. Good. I mean, there's always that question what I'd do differently. If I changed anything, it would alter what we're doing now. But if it was a different universe, I would definitely not get in touch with Tina

[00:55:22] even though that was very instrumental in my- You found out about to better yourself through this talkship relationship but at the same time. Yeah. I mean, if anything, I would spend less time worrying about what people were smack talking about and just be worried about being legit.

[00:55:42] And the other thing about this war that was really comical, and this shows how naive everybody was, the younger ones, the teens anyway. This is how naive teens were. Gen Z don't give a shit. They're more naive than these assholes were. God.

[00:56:04] The teens went back then when the war was going on and it was declared, they all thought they were going to really die in real life. It would- That's how bad that line blurred.

[00:56:20] I thought I was going to be dead before I was 16, just because a lot of people were going to that way. I at least wanted to just do fun things. Not to where I was stalking anyone

[00:56:34] or doing fucked up shit but I just thought, yeah, no, I just want to get out of here. This prison that is called high school. It's wild, man. All them thought they were going to die.

[00:56:48] Dude, I had a license. I could drive to school but I never did, just because parking was so terrible at my high school. I was like, nope. I don't trust it.

[00:57:00] It was just so crazy. I get the naivete and I was the same way too for a while. Because like I said, my dissociation was high at its peak. You were high. Literally high on my dissociation because it was just so there.

[00:57:21] Perfect example, I watched The Day After Tomorrow and I thought that actually happened. Oh man. That's how bad it was. You watch all this stuff and my autism is just coming into focus back then too. You didn't know you had it.

[00:57:42] No, I didn't. I didn't know I had it until a few years ago. Looking back, I'm like, Jesus Christ. Wow. It's one of those things like it's heartbreaking and then it's also kind of fucked up at the same time.

[00:57:59] I'm not proud of all the shit I did back then. Like I'm proud of how I went after her. I'm very proud of that. I'm proud that I got her banned. I'm proud of the friends I made.

[00:58:13] I'm proud of the work that I produced during that time frame. But I'm not proud of the fact that I was basically a cult leader and didn't know it. Because that's dangerous. That's really fucking dangerous.

[00:58:31] Going back, going to Dan Schneider and his quote from Quiet On Set where he said, it's frightening how much power I wield over these kids. Literally, that was me 2006 with the whole RP community. Fucking wild because everybody was it was two sides. It was either there were there.

[00:58:55] No, it was three. There was my people on my side, people on Tina's side and people who didn't want to be involved at all and just wanted to role play with each other and stuff. I'm like, okay, do what you want. I don't give a fuck.

[00:59:08] I didn't care. And sometimes it's like you choose a side, pick your side, do it. And I just I was yeah. It was literally lying in fucking sand back then. And when I finally got banned permanently again, glutton for punishment, I can't I got banned in 2010.

[00:59:39] I don't know. I'm trying to remember what I did in 2010. I got me banned off. I went after somebody else because they were bitching at me about something like, dude, don't fuck with me. You know who I am. Oh, what I'm capable of. Don't push my fucking buttons.

[00:59:56] And this done fucking word. And yeah, I got banned off fucking site again. And she's going back to six, the start of that toxicity. Me, who shouldn't even be online ever. Like they are. That's why.

[01:00:19] That's why I said if you're autistic and you dissociate, do not join role play. Do not. If you want to do role play, make sure you do. Yeah, for real. Make sure you do it with friends that know you're autistic,

[01:00:40] know that you dissociate and make sure that it's a safe space for you to be in. Because getting caught up in that shit in the moment is really easy. It's so easy to step over that line and get lost in shit. I know it. I've been there.

[01:00:58] It sucks. It's fun. It's great. But fuck your mental health is more important than getting sucked up in the goddamn moment. I learned that the hard way from the toxicity. Me and her started in 06 had a beautiful had a ripple and domino effect because

[01:01:19] it not only altered so many people's lives, it also destroyed the community too. Because in 2010, the moderator stepped in to the community and they had gotten so many complaints out of the Elysium Army, which was one of the last remaining groups that was from

[01:01:42] 2006. It got so fucking toxic. Hair bear left at that point because she couldn't hand shit and like it anymore. She got tired of it and left. It's boring. Yeah, but pretty much. People just kept bitching and mingling, fighting, calling each other out, dragging personal shit into the fold.

[01:02:09] Me and Tina started all that. As a result, the Elysium Army and the whole RP community was banned. Just all the groups. That many bad apples are like shut it down. They shut it the fuck down. All the groups were gone and then it came back.

[01:02:29] In a few years later, I checked it out and it came back, but it wasn't the same. People were really weird. It was a weird thing when people were coming back into it. It wasn't the same chemistry, no energy to it.

[01:02:46] I didn't like it so I went fuck that. I'm done. But for me, after December of six, it took me four years to rebuild my identity because I had lost everything in the process of taking Tina down. It was so bad. I lost who I was.

[01:03:09] I didn't know what I was capable of. I didn't know. I went through that ID crisis. Ironically, getting in senior year of writing classes and everything made me explain myself better. But it's easy to not know who you really are and imitate other people in the room.

[01:03:29] I didn't even imitate. I was literally withdrawn and catatonic. It was bad. I still don't know how the hell I pulled myself out of that shell. It was a fucking mess. I had to relearn everything. I had to relearn how to write.

[01:03:51] I had to relearn how to find love. I had to relearn my name. I had to relearn just how to function. It was so bad. I did this all by myself. Nobody helped me. I did this all by myself. It took a lot.

[01:04:13] It took so much energy to do it. It was such a roller coaster for me. It was deep and it took a lot. Let's see. Highlander, the search for vengeance taught me how to love. I love that fucking movie.

[01:04:41] And DX taught me how to fight because I had to relearn everything. I had to relearn basic human emotion. That's how fucked up I was. And you were already trying to get away from the other crazy people in your life? Yeah, for real.

[01:05:03] And being off the site, it was major withdrawal. Literally. If you know addicts and shit, that's what I was going to. Withdrawal. And it's bad. You see all these influencers shit today and they think they're so popular and they get all these likes and shits.

[01:05:25] Don't nobody give a fuck about you. They're bored. They're doom scrolling. You're doom scrolling because you're bored as fuck. And it's toxic. And one post that I remember Boss Logic sharing was on, he found it on TikTok. I hate that goddamn app. I don't even touch it.

[01:05:49] Yeah, exactly. I have to blame it. That's fuckers damn. And he pointed out a post that Gen Z shared of if you stay in bed all day and look at your phone, it's what do you call it? It's self cocooning. It's a self healing process.

[01:06:12] And if you only leave your room to get food and drinks, you can recharge your body that way. And he's like, no, that is not the way to recharge your body at all. That is toxic for your body. That's bad. And I'm like, yeah, that is fucking horrible.

[01:06:33] Oh, man. But I mean, I lost so much during that time frame. And that's probably why I have a lot of memory loss too from that shit. It's damaging while you're being in a role play community is damaging.

[01:06:52] It really can be because I went from, you know, just having a good time. Meeting a great mom to finding out that she's a pedophile, to having her threaten my sister's life. Then going after her for both of those fucking things and ruining.

[01:07:10] And she broke our friendship when she told me about being a pedo. I'm like, why? And then threatening my sister really broke that shit. I'm like, no, we're done, bitch. And it was just. It's crazy. I became a fucking leader in the worst way possible.

[01:07:33] The best, worst way or worst, best. And people followed me. You know how weird that fucking is? You know, it's crazy to think that back then I had that kind of influence. Even today, I still have that influence, but I don't capitalize on it. I really don't.

[01:08:02] I can push for it. I really can if I really want to. But I learned that no, it's bad. It's toxic. It's worse than trying to be a player when you're dating because that goes no fucking way.

[01:08:18] Although some of these fuckers have amazing talents like the one she dated 15 different guys to get 15 different iPhones to pay for a car or some shit or a house. And I'm like, this bitch has skills that I don't have. It's funny.

[01:08:40] But it's also scary too, because you know, you join a you do roll play just for shits and giggles. And then it turns serious because you know, you're talking to your friends or you know, because we're literally we didn't separate our dialogues.

[01:09:02] And that's something that the new generation of role players did on the site. We separate the dialogue, we call it OFC out of character. But back then, we were just like, you know, if we did an action, it was an

[01:09:15] asterisk, then what we did another asterisk and that was it. Or we used squiggly line and then another squiggly line. And it was it was fun. No, we just we'd be bullshitting about everything. How is school? School sucks today. I got homework tonight. I can't really role play.

[01:09:35] I can't role play with you guys. Yeah, not till later tonight. And then there was the times are different. So that was a big thing. That's because yeah, because everybody was in a different time zone. And people were an hour to three hours behind me.

[01:09:52] People overseas in the UK were five hours ahead of me. I was into one girl who was in Australia. She was fucking 12 hours out of 14. So yeah, I was used to time zone differences. So I'm so recapping. I am why we jail.

[01:10:13] We know I'm peak dissociating beginnings of autism. I am running on all cylinders like a motherfucking muscle car and I'm adapting to every time zone I'm introduced to. Yeah, I was. Yeah. And I didn't have a problem with it at all. I still don't to this day.

[01:10:39] It's like, fuck it. I can handle different time zones. I just look at the clock and I'm like, oh, OK, so you're all right. That works. I know when I got to go to bed and when I got to talk to you and shit. And it was wild.

[01:10:52] It was just so it's so wild and surreal to look back at this and be like, damn, this really fucking happened. And oh, man, I love that community. It was great in its in its. In its heyday at its peak, it was so fun.

[01:11:19] We had so much goddamn fun together, whether we were talking about what we were going to do that night or whether we were cyber sexing or whether we were just fucking we were just bored. We had nothing else to do. We didn't want to be around everybody.

[01:11:37] Or we just needed someone to talk to or we had poems to share and all that in our minds. Yeah, it was fun. And the shit blew up and it went out in a blaze of glory. It really fucking did. And everybody I'm only in touch with.

[01:12:00] Let's see my side. This is one I actually got my pseudo daughter out of this. Shit, too, because I knew her when I was talking to Tina and I helped raise her from end of middle school to end of high school.

[01:12:22] And even now, now she has a kid of her own. So it's been 19 years of raising fucking awesome. And it was so much fun. Like I got her. I got another mom that was really good to me and another mother, another mom off the site.

[01:12:46] She's cool as hell. Another guy who loved. Oh my God, he loved my dark work. And that was another thing. I did a lot of dark writing back then and I will never do that shit again. I swear on my fucking life and my dead best friend,

[01:13:06] I am never doing dark work again. Not that dark. It's too much. No, it's not fucking dark. I'm not kidding. I wrote a no, it's not funny at all. I'm not kidding. I wrote a vampire, I wrote up a vampire rapist pedophile incest murderer.

[01:13:26] And I put everything dark in him. Murder, pedophilia, incest, sadomasochism, torture, torturing his family. Everything. Everything dark that I could think of. And I wanted it that way because, and that was 2010. That was four years after. So there's the after effect of the RP war itself.

[01:13:59] And writing him, God writing Faxter Jones up, Jesus Christ. That took so much energy out of me because I had finally recovered from 2006. And it took me a long time to get back to where I was and then he popped up my great.

[01:14:20] But it's so funny because there was a poet on the site, Cthulhu Black Wolf. She formerly he back then he had the dark right challenge and he's like, I want your darkest work and I'll give you a gold trophy. Guess who took home gold? My ass.

[01:14:46] Because I wanted that trophy. I'm like, fuck it. I can take a gold trophy. That's easy peasy. And I got to work and I wrote up Faxter Jones bag of bones and yeah, it was, it's still to this day the most explicit shit I've ever written.

[01:15:05] That is so dark. Is there any stuff that you feel you could reevaluate? Like make it effective without making it overdone where like Jesus, I'm creating a monster. You know, I'm going too far. He is a monster on his own and I can't,

[01:15:27] I actually read one of the poems. At least you're in on the joke of your creation though. Oh yeah, definitely. Like, fuck, I read his work and fuck. It gave me an anxiety attack and I'm like, no, I'm not going back to him. Fuck that. I'm done.

[01:15:48] I'm not doing anything dark anymore. That's too much. I like, like he is obsidian dark. I have watched so much dark shit I have seen back in, I guess early 2010s. Yeah, it was early 2010s. I saw a fight at Sheetz down the alley from me

[01:16:17] and that was my first time seeing the fight break out and it was a bunch of old guys versus Kenny, Duntie and his brother and a couple others and they beat the shit out of them old guys and it was so horrible.

[01:16:35] And the one part of that fight that sticks out the hardest in my brain all the time if I ever think about it is Kenny's brother coming out of the out of Sheetz. The old guy stumbles out, he hits the pavement face first

[01:16:58] and he's standing on the back of him just wailing on the back of his head and then he runs away and I'm like, fuck. And I remember saying they're frozen in fear. Like I wanted to stop them. And I didn't know how.

[01:17:15] I didn't know if I still know how to fucking fight and shit and you know, I'm a great verbal rapist but physically I ain't gonna fight your ass but if you come at me, I might snap your neck. I know how to do that. I might do that.

[01:17:32] I might choke you out. You know how to kill with words. Yeah, I know how to kill with words. That shit's easy as hell. Killing a person, that's a whole other level I ain't fucking with. That's the line I would never cross. No, never fuck that.

[01:17:49] Ain't worth it. Ain't worth jail time. Ain't worth prison time. Fuck that. Having on your conscience, man. You could be my friend. Word like I got my fuck. I look at everything I got in my room now. I'm like, I'm happy with what I got.

[01:18:01] I don't want to lose. Fuck that. I'm not taking your life. And I tell people that if they ever start fucking with me like dude, you are not worth a prison sentence. And they laugh. And I'm like, no, I'm fucking serious. You're not worth a prison sentence.

[01:18:18] And they're like, you're not going to fucking kill me. You keep pushing. You're going to find out. So fuck off. And they're like, oh, you're so nice. Why are you being so mean? I'm like, I'm being straightforward. Don't fuck with me. Playing it simple.

[01:18:34] But that fight, that just seeing that and the blood smashed a coffee pot over. So that's what it was. He smashed the coffee pot and then punched him in the back of the head multiple times. And this was at school. No, this was at Sheetz gas station. Station.

[01:18:54] Jesus. Okay. And I was yeah, that was yeah, I was in. Yeah, that was early 20s. Wild shit. Hmm. And it terrified me. God, I terrified the fuck out of me for a long time. I couldn't sleep that night.

[01:19:13] I couldn't sleep for a couple nights actually because of that shit. And you know, residual effects of the RP war and shit coming at me with, you know, Faxter. Oh, I'm so good. And it just trying to navigate being super dark. And that was, it was wow.

[01:19:39] Because I've done dark shit before and it wasn't as dark as him. Like I had done like surface dark and whatnot. But with him, oh my God. I. He's so much fun, but he's so bastardized. I made him sit.

[01:20:08] He's vampire pedophile, pedophile, mass murdering rapist who enjoys incest with his family. He's also a drug addict. He's an alcoholic, smokes, and you felt like you had enough of a narrative and commentary on. Yeah. Commenting on evil. Yeah, for real.

[01:20:33] And I threw everything in the literature and he was just so goddamn twisted, but he was uniquely twisted. And I liked how unique I made him like hit. I love the creativity I put into him, but to reread all that shit. No, absolutely not.

[01:20:52] I will never reread that and Wattpad took that off of their site too. I'm like, good. I'm glad you did that. And then in it and I made another vampire pedo. Only this one was a priest who was reformed and it was part of the empire saga.

[01:21:14] And I was like, oh, this is going to be fun because the whole premise empire was. It was set alternate World War II, Germany won and all that shit. And Hitler was still in charge and he was.

[01:21:30] He had crucified everything Jewish in the front lawn of his home or the where the hell it was. And it was vampires were wolves all that shit. So it was a fantasy alternate. And I liked the idea that I was having so much fun with that.

[01:21:50] I was like, yeah, it's going to be fun. And I gave the priest a great name too. Father nation Jones with a good strong name. And I was like, this is perfect. I can do this. This is an easy fucking story. And they took it down.

[01:22:03] I don't think I wrote that much for it and they took it down. That's great. And I even gave warnings on my stuff too. I'm like, this is not for kids. This is a mature subject. Oh, well that war that war had a lot of residual effects.

[01:22:20] And even 18 years later, they still show up now and then like, and this is here. So really funny April fools this year. AP decided to get on Kevin the site runner decided to do a all poetry lifetime Gold Star achievement award for April fools.

[01:22:42] I've been in the world for a long time. I've never done April full shit for a long time. So when I saw it, they're like click to see the winner and my name popped up. And I know I'm like, why me?

[01:22:57] Like, why out of all the fucking people on the site would you pick my ass? Why am I here? Yeah. And I didn't get it. And I haven't done April fools in forever and I didn't get it.

[01:23:09] And they're like, you know, comment below to tell how you feel about this and mention any poets you want to mention for being there for you. And I actually made a speech up and that speech really unlocked a lot of old memories.

[01:23:27] Like I remembered old poets I had lost and made friends with the contest. The whole RP war. And in that moment, I almost reached out to Tina on the site to apologize and see, you know, just apologize again.

[01:23:52] Because I'm like, because I've been on really been on an apology tour and really introspecting, retrospecting a lot of my shit that I've done over the past decade and even my whole life. Because my whole life, you know, I've been so, I used to be super fucking shy.

[01:24:17] I didn't really talk to anybody that much. So role play was a great way for me to explore. And it helped a lot. Like it gave me great social skills too. Although if I'm going to be honest about credit and social skills,

[01:24:31] I have to give a shout out to my high school crush, Jess Brown, because if she hadn't talked to me in 2002 and that ruined best, I wouldn't be having this conversation today. Because for her, she helped me come out of my autistic shell and talk.

[01:24:52] She inspired me to write because in 2002, Attack of the Clones had come out. So I had written a whole Star Wars story about us and that story itself went from being so boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back

[01:25:11] to a more immersive experience of not only just me and her, but a bunch of other chicks that I knew from high school who were nice to me. And I took those nice occasions and moments in my life they gave to me

[01:25:35] and instilled those in their characters, in this story. And the story went from basic boy girl shit to boy meets girl. And they have a lot of complex chemistry and a lot of complex problems. Boy also has complex friends who also have complex problems and shit.

[01:25:57] And it helped me, that whole Drake and Saga story, that whole saga helped me confront my CPTSD. It helped me work through all my shit. And it really, and I took everything that I learned from the RP war, threw it in there too.

[01:26:21] And a lot of that helped too. And it helped me confront my autism, helped me be a better writer and be more immersive and detailed. And even coming out of that story was difficult too because my dumb ass got hooked on my high

[01:26:41] school crush so badly I blurred the lines again between her and her character. And yeah. Do you think that happens with a lot of these fucked up celebrities? Yes, I think it really does.

[01:26:55] Some of them will believe their own hype so badly that they lose who they are. And I'm reminded of the tragic story of Jonathan Brandis. And he peaked as a kid and he was on Sequest DSV and he had a great promising career.

[01:27:21] And then it kind of dwindled after Sequest ended. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Suicide. And yeah, his big comeback was supposed to be Hearts War with Bruce Willis. And the fucked up part, his scene was cut and made a deleted scene in the final cut.

[01:27:41] And when he found that out, that's what broke him. I was like, damn, that's sad. Like he had, it is, and he would have been 48 this year. That's even wilder. I'm like, damn, boy, it's old. Fuck me.

[01:27:58] And it sucks because you see so many people losing their shit. Kanye West, love him or hate him. Laugh at him all you want. But he is going through some shit and he is really a massive victim of his own success.

[01:28:18] Like he came on the scene with through the wire with a wired mouth, his jaw shut, and made a hit single. And now the last pic I saw of him was him and some girl dressed in

[01:28:32] massively oversized clothing and his public meltdowns and Tyrese with his meltdown over his daughter and people making fun of that because it was funny to see him cry. Like why the fuck is it funny to see a grown man cry?

[01:28:48] The same thing now with shitty celebs like Diddy where instead of talking about the real issue, which is, hey, all these execs are having parties with underage people. Now everyone's like, they're too distracted by, oh, but I didn't know any of these guys

[01:29:02] who are being canceled or were gay. It's like that's not the argument, but everyone's making that the argument. It's like, well, yeah, speaking of that shit was quite on set when I saw Shane Lyons talking about his story with Brian Peck. I call bullshit on that.

[01:29:19] He faked that shit to see the way he said everything just rubbed me the wrong way. I'm like, dude, that didn't happen to you. Why are you trying to latch on to this? There were some questionable testimonies.

[01:29:36] Because the way he says it, he's like, I'm glad it didn't happen to me. I'm like, why would you say that? That's the worst fucking thing you can ever say. Yeah, are you in denial? Yeah. Like, dude, like it's just the way he acted and shit.

[01:29:54] Like, no, you're telling a fucking lie, dude. Too sketchy. And the fact that there's stuff that was cut out, that really bothers me. Like what the fuck was cut out? They well, and see, one thing that they briefly mentioned is how

[01:30:13] Drake Bell, you know, he were with a minor and she, that's it because. And that story really pissed me off too. Why the fuck did she wait five years to report that? Pissed me off. She waited five years to say something like, why didn't you say something then?

[01:30:29] And I mean, that's just it. I think we all get to the point where, you know, people will do awful things if they're around awful people and. I feel bad for Drake, though. Like damn. Yeah, because ultimately, even though they got the prick got put away,

[01:30:46] he destroyed his relationship with his dad. And they repaired it. They repaired it. But that's that took half his lot of professional life. Yeah. Yeah. And it's sad. And when I saw him sitting there with his guitar in the background

[01:31:01] and he's talking to saw that I was like, why do I get the feeling that he's going to commit suicide in Mexico? Like it would just it had that feel to it. Like it looked like this was going to be the last time anyone sees Drake Bell

[01:31:17] and he's going to kill himself. And I'm like, I really hope that's not what happens, because that's how it looked to me. But I don't know. I mean, I worry about I hope they all recover better and whatnot, especially Drake. I mean, Christ.

[01:31:35] And I know when he mentioned he's like, I don't go ahead. That Josh turned out. Yeah, for real. I know. Miranda Cosgrove. Yeah, from I currently. I'm glad that because I said that. Are you thinking that? No, I'm thinking Miranda.

[01:31:54] I currently but I'm just so glad she had a solid singing and Nickelodeon sitcom career. And then she's on regular sitcoms and guest spots. And because, you know, I said that about other people growing. I'm like, yeah, Sean Essendon. Turn out right.

[01:32:09] And then I look at Wil Wheaton likes, oh, his parents guest let him like they were much like the Colkins where they didn't give a shit about him unless their kid was making them money. I'm like, oh, fuck you. You are not a parent.

[01:32:26] And here's where he lost. His dad was the mental abuser, like threatening violence that never came while his mom would gaslight him like, well, did you audition today? You know, and just laugh at his dad's shitty jokes.

[01:32:44] So his unofficial dad was Commander Riker, you know, John to the ranks. But here's the main deal. Like he he's happily married. He's gone to mental health. He preaches mental health all the time. You know, he's got kids both on from his wife's previous marriage

[01:33:01] as well as from his current marriage. But it's just the only person he talks to is his sister. His brother decided I want to be like dad. Where I treat you like shit. And he they actually reached out to him again on a text and he said,

[01:33:24] if you want to open up a conversation and actually care about me, you can text me back now. Never got a text. And so that was his answer is like, okay, perfect. You are no longer in my life.

[01:33:34] I'm, you know, yeah, he's got to be how old is what we do right now. He's got to be getting up there in his 50s. But I always dug him and I got really annoyed when I saw people saying he was a shitty actor.

[01:33:46] I'm like, you know, I liked him in the Gary Stu. Shut up. I liked him in Toy Soldiers and all these other things. But yeah, it's 51 now. But I'm just like, yeah, no, see, here's the thing. Richard and Debbie, his parents, those, you know, those people,

[01:34:04] I mean, he would even have to lie their absolute C words and he would have to lie saying I didn't get it when truth be told, he's like, I'm you want me to audition, but I'm not even right for this role. So I'm wasting my time.

[01:34:20] It's not going to be worth the effort. So I liked how he kind of found his little sneak ins where he found time to still be a geek and everything and find what he liked to do as well as spin time honing his craft and making the effort.

[01:34:39] So, I mean, you know, and yeah, I mean, I see so many other people who was the only kid on set to he was he got along with everyone except one director who was kind of one of those old school kid, you know,

[01:34:55] but the fact that he can still go to all these stuff, but not do more than just conventions because like you see plenty of those other space opera or horror guys and all they do is Convention City and it's like, yeah, that's going to annoy you.

[01:35:14] But then there's other people who I think would be perfect at conventions, but they hate having to wait and do nothing and stand at a table all day. So I get it. I get that's not for everyone.

[01:35:25] I just hate how when I hear that certain people had to file Chapter 11, like really? Oh, you're set for life, dude. You were. When I watched Clyde on the set and it was like it out really, even if you don't watch Nickelode and everything, I get that's

[01:35:47] the sad thing is you will want to fast forward through some of the shocking footage because you're like, yeah, I that happened on one of my kids programs and that was supposed to be funny. And it helps that.

[01:36:02] I mean, they don't even context now the context, but yeah, it's just it will make you reevaluate what gets the rating, you know, so half the time, you know, half our safe to air movies should technically be are because of accidental nipple or dick slips or wardrobe malfunctions.

[01:36:22] And then there's other stuff where it's like, yeah, but really, this got the rating because of the themes. Yeah, the context more than how violent that sword play was or disturbing the foley was. Yeah, one thing that Brian's dead, not Brian, idiot.

[01:36:48] Drake's dad pointed out about Brian with the art. Caprio is how he touched him. I think Brian Peck made a move and we get down at the Caprio back then. Oh, absolutely. I really think he did because and I looked at it as like he

[01:37:02] definitely has a thing for that. In fact, they looked that's the other thing. Yeah, he put on the brunettes and the blinds. So yeah, definitely. He definitely did something to Caprio and I bet that's why he doesn't date anybody over 25.

[01:37:20] I bet it has something to do with that. I bet it fucking does. I'd be willing to bet good money that is connected to Brian Peck. Yeah, and DiCaprio will never talk about that kind of shit. Well, he's too busy grooming women who are barely his age.

[01:37:40] So maybe it didn't spot. I'm waiting for a shitty story to come out about him, but he's too busy going to an activism. I don't know. So if anything, we're taking away now is that is. My life is bad. Life is bad.

[01:37:57] But it's rough like and just like 18 years later, like I'm proud not proud of what I did. Like I'm very beside yourself on this. Yeah, I'm very proud of what I did. Yeah, it is because it's like looking at another person that I don't recognize.

[01:38:21] But I remember the things I said and did. And oh man, because I burned I did burn some bridges back then. I knew how to burn a bridge. Christ. Oh man, I burned some bridges and then it turned into just trying to find myself again

[01:38:43] and then going through more trauma as a result and finally gaining an even deeper understanding of things. And it helped to like going like if I hadn't gone through all this trauma and shit, I wouldn't have the poetry I have today.

[01:39:01] I wouldn't have my stories I have today. I wouldn't have my amazing creations that are so innovative and shit. You're surrounded by people you actually love. Yeah, pretty much. Like I have a good network of friends that I can count on for the most part. Good.

[01:39:17] Yeah, I got you. You got brain in me. We'll return after these messages. Hey, it's Brent Pope, the host of Brentfest with Brent Pope. You've seen me on some of your favorite TV shows saying things like give it up, Jimmy.

[01:39:36] You got to sink this putt to win on Brentfest with Brent Pope. I sit down with guests from the entertainment world and we do it all over breakfast. Or should I say Brentfest? Every week on Brentfest you get inside Hollywood info and tips,

[01:39:48] great breakfast recs and booty debates. Most of all, you get the most delightful 30 minutes of your week. So dig in. It's Brentfest time. Listen at Brentfest.com, Apple Podcasts or wherever fine podcasts are found.

[01:40:03] Welcome to the Better Call Daddy Show, the number one podcast where we admit no matter what happens, daddy has the advice we need to fix our problems. Introducing my dad, Mr. Wayne Friedman. That was good. It would be nice if you could also sing a song.

[01:40:16] What would the song be? You love Paris in the springtime. I just made up some words to it. I love Rena in the springtime. I love Rena in the fall. That's right. That's good enough.

[01:40:28] What I do is interview people of interest, share it with my dad and get my dad's advice. My dad is my hero. Nobody's got my daddy. Oh boy, let's go to grandpa. You like to be a little rebel. I tried to reign you in.

[01:40:41] I have a daughter named Rena that acts just like I did. She's got a son that is not only just like me, but it's just like her. I'm your host, Rena Friedman-Watz. Invite your friends, subscribe and I'm excited to take this journey with you. Let's dive in.

[01:40:56] She was teasing this guy with the sword and she accidentally cut his dick. Oh my god, I'm dying. And then he started to enjoy it. I started going down the phone sex rabbit hole. You've got the wankers and you jerk off in five seconds and then they're done

[01:41:10] because A, they don't want to spend money and B, they're quick. My stepfather had mania. If I'm yelling at one of my kids, that fear, that rigid fear. Mom even said to me, I hope you have a kid just like you.

[01:41:21] There are lots of people that are being bought and sold right now for profit. If you think you're going to kill yourself, shut up and kill yourself. If you're not going to kill yourself, then shut up, smarten up and it's all on you. The bullshit has to end.

[01:41:32] Wow. When I was 11 years old, I was raped and molested over the course of a year. What Jeffrey Epstein had was a sickness inside of him. I am Evan Castrilli Carmichael. I could do anything that I believe that I can. I'm so excited too. Let's go.

[01:41:48] Next, I'm Better Call Daddy with my mom and my grandpa. Stay tuned. The Jacked Up Review Show podcast is honored to be part of the Blind Knowledge Podcast Network. Join anytime, talk the talk and enjoy yourselves. There's something enlightening for everyone with this crowd of cool cats.

[01:42:12] Check them out. I do like how we got all these other alternates for how we figure out movies. I go to taste die when I want to find something good that's on streaming. Instead, I just do the scroll for two hours and don't find anything.

[01:42:31] And now it's time to go to bed. I think so many of us are finally breaking out of that realm. People are now getting to that point where movies that were once acclaimed really are now not that bad. They're not bad. They're playing. There's vice versa.

[01:42:46] Yeah, I see people who will willfully admit, yeah, I like Heaven's Gate. I like Waterworld. But then I see other people is like, I was never a fan of Braveheart or whatever, or Gladiator or Saving Ryan's Private. So yeah, I do think it is.

[01:43:03] Yeah, I see people who are like, oh, he'd or John Wick. Those were overrated. Cool shootouts, but fucking boring plot. So I think people are now getting to that point where they want something concrete. It's a bit of that. And then it's also, I think it's just

[01:43:23] however you adapt yourself to everything, I think we're now we used to be picky, but now we're realizing why we're picky. And I don't know. I like I watched 13 the other day. 1313. Is that that? Do you say? No, no, no, this is Evan Rachel Wood 13.

[01:43:52] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I watched it because my friend Chris, my bestie, she watched it and she's like, oh, then stole Jen. I'm like, okay, I want to check this out. I want to see what it's about because I was curious because I saw the cover.

[01:44:07] I was like, oh, that's interesting. And then I watched it and I was like, wow, this is really nostalgic. But I don't know what it was for her that made the nostalgia. For me, I remembered everything about middle school and all the trends, all the hot girls,

[01:44:25] all that bullshit and the drama, the fun factor. Oh, God. I was back in high school. I was nothing but a grab ass and I asked permission to I never did it without permission. And I had so much fun because middle school was the golden.

[01:44:46] Honestly, it was a fun. You never really had to worry about much. You were still growing puberty. Oh, I could shit and seeing it through the lens of 13 from a girl's perspective was really eye opening because I now that I'm older, I'm like, oh,

[01:45:07] I recognize a lot of this shit. I remember a lot of this that was the friends. You kind of had to be there. And that's the other problem with a lot of these. I'm seeing people who now talk about other movies

[01:45:17] and they're like, they're not that special now that it's a thing. I'm like, well, maybe just some. But the birdcage is still funny even if you're a pro gay rides people like it's just showing again, the people who aren't accepting them.

[01:45:35] Well, and Tropic Thunder, I am so sick of people missing that movie. It was making fun of people who were misrepresented. Every five and guess what? Real villain, the crappy producer, he gets all the credit. He wins an Oscar for all that trouble.

[01:45:53] And the fact that Robert Downey Jr. actually got an Oscar nom only added to the humor. You're like, see, he's just a dude playing the dude. So I think the right people really did get it, but there's still plenty who. I love that line.

[01:46:11] I'm a dude playing the dude disguised as another dude. It's the best fourth wall break ever. It tells you exactly what's wrong. And people don't fucking get it. Like, dude, it's funny. He makes the perfect black man. Mm hmm. I want to link an Osiris biography. Oh, totally.

[01:46:34] Let's do it. That'd be so fucking hilarious to watch. And people would get more of this. I'm like, nobody was complaining about Cloud Atlas. I love that movie mainly because I like even though I don't believe it and I'm there's the fucked up thing.

[01:46:50] I used to go, I'm atheist, but then I went the whole, I'm agnostic just because I didn't want it being part of my life, part of my conversation. And so then it got to where I was just like, you know, do what you want to do.

[01:47:04] But now I think we're to the point where I mean, I see people who are just like they. They make choices. They will. And this is it. Karma is a cool kind of reflection of the whole reincarnation thing and see what you can be even

[01:47:27] spiritual and get kind of a just from that movie. And so I thought it was just cool how they brought up how, you know, they had them playing multiple different roles in different timelines. I was like, I was surprised.

[01:47:40] I was like, man, Tom Hanks is a giant one. Yeah, Tom Hanks to the China. And I'm like, damn, he looks good. I was surprised. It's not like it's not like Sean Connery and that James Bond movie where you're just like, oh, please, you're not fooling anybody.

[01:47:57] But Clannons in the 60s. Oh, yeah. Oh, there's something wrong with your cousins more. Well, I know. I know. And we've talked about before people not getting all the social contacts and the space operas. They're just going, oh, pew pew, cool effects.

[01:48:15] You know, so I'm over it, man. But I thought I'd share this poll before we get going. And I'd like you to just say, do you feel like anyone is validated by this? Because it's a good it's an interesting what it brings up.

[01:48:32] So this is a poll from NAMI.org, which is mental health by the numbers, you know, National Alliance on Mental Illness. And they brought up some interesting stats. So would I recommend role play to people? Yeah, definitely try to. It's fun. It really is. But no, you're little.

[01:48:56] But yeah, exactly. Know your limit. But I would also recommend doing your own pen and paper or laptop RPG of your own first so you can understand what you can do because if you don't know what the fuck you're doing and you can't handle criticism,

[01:49:19] you can't handle different opinions, you can't handle other people, you're not a people person, you're socialized. You're not going to work. You're not going to work well in role play. If you want more info on role playing itself, find the D&D groups, go to find the larpers,

[01:49:40] go fuck with them. Fuck them for a while because the live action role players, they'll help you out. They'll help you understand. Ask instead of engage. Yeah, ask first. Always ask. Get permission. Don't just be like, I need to talk to you.

[01:49:58] I need to understand this shit because I heard it's on the podcast. No, you need to talk to them like a human being because that's what they are. Just talk. Be like, can I say something? Is it okay to talk? There you go.

[01:50:15] So they bring up that 50% of all lifetime mental illness begins by age 14. 75% by age 24. Yeah, 14 is definitely the start because that's puberty and that's high school. And you're in 13, any literally any high school film that takes place during high school basically is a reflection of the puberty deal.

[01:50:51] 13 especially is a prime example of going through the change. Literally you're watching, what the hell's her fucking name? You're watching Evan grow up. I didn't even recognize her at 15. That's wild. Like I look at her now and I'm like, damn she looks good in Westworld.

[01:51:13] I love during that. I see her in this and I'm like, I'm looking at this. I'm like, that's Evan Rachel Wood. Are you fucking serious? Like she's totally different. She's cute, totally different. And I don't even recognize her. It's like night and fucking day. Like how the hell?

[01:51:34] But 13 is a prime example of mental health starting to decline because her character is going through, it showcases the whole damn film of her start of being good and then her decline down from that. And Indian films were kind of the way to go with that.

[01:51:59] And the sad, oh man, the saddest part of that film is her mom kissing her cuddlings. Saddest fucking part of that movie. Because I felt that. I really felt that shit like, damn. I do feel like you need the right kind of filmmakers

[01:52:19] to create that because there's plenty of work go overboard and you're like, I don't really buy what's happening. Yeah, it's like you have so many that are really good like American History X and then it's misunderstood and then yours looks like, oh, this is a great fucking masterpiece.

[01:52:34] Yeah. And even my stepdad pointed this out. He's like, there are two actors that did two different roles that he believes they were real. And it was Edward Norton, American History X and Dustin Holtzman and Rain Man. Because they're that fucking believable. They look and act that believable.

[01:52:57] And even I, going back to my dissociation again, I, and you can laugh at this. This is fucking hilarious. I never understood when I watched Willow and I was young and I was introduced to Midgets and stuff. That was the first time I seen Warwick Davis.

[01:53:25] And I saw, I saw to myself because I was young. I'm like, why do they have the adult heads on the kids' bodies? And I was like, how do they put them back together? And not realizing, hey, that's them. No, no, I didn't realize because I'm young.

[01:53:43] I'm like, how the fuck does this work? This doesn't make sense. Make it make sense for me. And it's funny. And if you're a short person listening to this and you're like, you son of a bitch, I'm like, sorry. It's funny. But I didn't get it then.

[01:53:59] Now I do. I'm like, oh, they're actual people. Okay, cool. They're not just the movies anymore. I mean, I don't know how to introduce people to the right kind of things other than just, like you say, keep asking questions.

[01:54:14] Yeah, for reals, like what's the best short person role? Tyrion Lannister, hands down. Absolutely. God Tyr roll. Perfect. Roll. Cannot be fucked with. Yeah. And people hate Game of Thrones. Like, fuck yourself. I hate you. Season eight was horrible. Like you bought into the hype

[01:54:39] and you thought it was going to end a different way. That's what it was. I just didn't care after like season four. I was like, this is going nowhere. I got sucked into that shit. I love Game of Thrones. I didn't know what was going to happen,

[01:54:54] but watching everyone evolve over them seasons, that was a real treat. I like secession. I am seeing people who would even joke around saying, I want to be like some of the bad guys. I'm like, oh, I have that mentality too.

[01:55:07] Like, that's why I like Magneto so much because he is getting rid of all the shit head humans. Yeah, for real. He's getting rid of all the shitheads and at the same time he has the power and going back to RP again,

[01:55:21] he like me, I had the power to influence so many people. He has the power to literally shift the magnetic poles and even deeper than that, he can take the iron in everybody's body and make it kill them. That's fucked up and it's only been showcased one time.

[01:55:48] And I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, that's so good. I like Rorschach because he is investigative and doesn't give a fuck. He kills whoever because that's his code. There are so many characters that resonate with different times and they became part of my persona

[01:56:14] before I went into role play, long before I did role play and after. And it helped me, it kept building my complexity up and I'm like, wow, this is amazing and even digesting that is a whole nother conversation. But role play itself for me, 2006,

[01:56:36] that was my golden year. I had a great fucking year doing that shit. It was fun. It was awesome. I made great friends, good connections. I learned how to be the most menacing person in my whole life with a big goddamn ego

[01:56:58] that I still can't believe I had. I took down a female pedophile and I actually apologized to her four years later. I got in touch with her on Facebook after that shit and I told her, I'm sorry for how things went down. Can we start over as friends?

[01:57:26] Because I miss our friendship. I miss talking to you. I miss our phone calls. I mean, hell, we used to talk back then. It was funny. We talked because I didn't know, I thought we had, this was before any cell phone plans

[01:57:44] and all over the US plans and shit and international shit. I thought that our phone bill covered Canada. I found out the hard way. I ran the phone bill up to $300 calling her because we were on the phone two, three, and four hours at a time talking. Yeah.

[01:58:08] Yeah. And it was nice. It was late night chats and shit. We were having good times talking and shit, whether it was just talking about what she did at work or phone sex or we were just chilling. It was something that people forget about.

[01:58:26] I think, I don't know about this, I think people should have more actual conversations over the phone instead of just sexting back and forth. I think this is the problem with the phone. People want an emoji to express everything they were still being torqued off.

[01:58:44] Oh, you liked that comment. They're liking everything. Half the time they're not paying attention to whether the guy is being douchey or not. I used to have that too. It was like, can you go through all those posts and unlike that one post?

[01:58:56] I'm like, I'll tell you what, no. I will tell you this. I'm going to turn it off for the rest of the day if it makes you feel better. I'm not making time for that. It doesn't mean anything to me. I'm sorry, it does mean something to you.

[01:59:09] But I've also learned to be a little more careful if I just don't like when someone's saying I stop encouraging them, I stop liking. That's why I've blocked at least 800 people on Twitter. I have muted at least 100 fucking words because it was so... I even muted Star Wars.

[01:59:34] I got tired of it. Oh yeah, there was a celeb who was a B-movie actor but he wrote for Breitbart.com. So I'm like, no, it's just Trump, Trump, Trump. I'm like, can you just post a behind the scenes photo of you working on this movie? No, fuck.

[01:59:57] That's like me when I go through art books and I see it's like art in making of. I'm like, oh fuck. And then I open it up. I hate it because there's art in making of books really suck because it's mostly behind the scenes pictures, no art.

[02:00:15] Nod sketches. Or a few... Yeah. Yeah, no sketches. I'm like, where are the fucking sketches? This is bullshit. This is not an art book. And I get mad about that. I even had a conversation with a woman on my video

[02:00:30] the other day about the Hobbit cookbook I covered. And she's like, she agreed with me about how she wishes there was more pictures and there should have been more artwork from the Hobbit films. And we all want validation, but it also sucks having to get that

[02:00:47] from someone on the other side of the globe. I mean, there's groups I avoid now just because there's people with very underdeveloped language to where I can't tell them apart from the inevitable bots. And it's like, well, we're not having much of a conversation so I'm moving on.

[02:01:03] There were usually if I block someone, if incidents aside, it is because they are just being... Just smack talking every day, every day, every day. Or they're doing the at followers at, you know, where they tag everyone and I say instant block.

[02:01:21] Like I've even got into it with a few admins because I said there is a way to engage. Forcing an engagement is not an organization. That is true. Spam, spam, spam. You might as well have spammed me. And I am also done doing the whole just...

[02:01:40] I hate it when people give me the cold shoulder, so I always make it a point to never be that guy either. I just say straight up not taking screeners at this time. I'm thankful for when I network with all kinds of entertainers, video game creators, original authors,

[02:02:00] but I also have a limit. I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to make time for this or that. It's just not a good use of my time. It's really not going to be a good use of your time. I think we should...

[02:02:12] A better use of the time would be again, a roundtable like this. Let's have five people and we talk about a subject because the former podcast, Wannabe Networks we have engaged with in the past, they were a waste of our time because they wanted to,

[02:02:27] again, kind of like the at followers, they wanted to force the relationship and then they wanted to treat us like mercs and say, everybody's getting paid. I'm like, I want to be related to you because I love working with you, not because we're making dime.

[02:02:42] Money will not solve it. Let's say I lose my job one day, guess what? Nothing else matters. I'm going to be looking for another job while taking some time off to breathe in the fresh air. I am now to that point where I don't fear losing

[02:02:56] my current job either. It's a natural healing process and I think so many, again, live by fear. They are, and that's how they get taken advantage. I was like, I'll tolerate people talking shit to me in the workplace and I said, well, whether it's you or them,

[02:03:14] don't even try to be their friend unless you think it's absolutely going to be worthwhile. I am fortunately best friends with one of the supervisors at my job. We have each other's back. We are the, but it happened naturally. We felt like we could talk to each other

[02:03:35] and I talked to even people who they didn't get along with who have now moved to another state, work for entirely different company and type of job altogether. I talked to him every once in a blue moon. So, I mean, again, they happen because there's certain,

[02:03:53] I think we literally are human magnets. We, when I talked to you, I liked how you were able to joke about politically incorrect stuff and then give some room for a thought. So you were kind of like the anti-shock jock, if you will, you got my attention

[02:04:11] and then you also kind of steered it around and then opened up a question. You snuck in a question there is like, oh, I see what you did there. Yeah, they are to do. It's like shit. It wasn't just like we had a random conversation

[02:04:24] and you said the billionth over quoted video game or movie meme. Yeah, for real. Like I don't do that shit because it's boring. Oh, it's been done. Yeah. So you're kind of like the South Park guys where they've been on the record saying

[02:04:38] we don't want to do what everyone's already done around the corner. It gets boring. It's like it does get boring because like I watched one channel that pops up on my recommendations on YouTube. I like his stuff, but he was good for a while

[02:04:55] because he was given an accurate title and then he started doing clickbait. I'm like, that's when they lose me every time. There were two crime podcasts that were doing that. They were doing a good job of summing up. Like I listened to true mad and true crime

[02:05:10] because she will call out the statement saying that doesn't make sense in any context, any psychotic breakdown. The guy claims he wants this, but then didn't forfeited that. He claimed killed his wife to get his kids and then didn't even want the kids.

[02:05:28] He just kept saying I misunderstood because I choked my wife to death. So it's interesting seeing all these psychotic profile. I misunderstood you. A little misunderstanding. Yeah. But again, there was plenty of them true crime podcasts and history podcasts that got in trouble

[02:05:45] because they were over dramatizing the shit. And one rule that some of them have broken is do not have it be active while a trial is ongoing. Because that influences the jury guys. There's one in like maybe, I don't know how many they pick.

[02:06:02] Let's just say 10 that are going to listen to shit like that because before and it will influence them. This mental health podcast special was also just fun at reflecting on how we all change and we all remind ourselves what we want to be as opposed to fall into.

[02:06:26] In abysmal place after that shit like. Yeah. It's so hard to come out of that and it took me years to come out of my depression. Out of the whole dark fucking abyss I was in to really live again. And now at 30 going to be 38 this year.

[02:06:48] It's really I'm in a much fucking better place way goddamn better than I was 18 years ago. Way better. I'm not into I still like dark stuff but not super dark. I take way better care of my mental health. Like I need to because shit. I don't know.

[02:07:13] I really am. Yeah for real like I hell I have the best self control to not punch my head anymore. Oh my god I'm so glad I don't do that. I know I used to do that age for a long time that's all I would do.

[02:07:29] I if I was upset I would punch my head. I bleed my scabs. I would cry at screen claw. Worst situation I had was I don't know what the hell gave me to melt down that day. But I was crying. I was screaming.

[02:07:47] I was I bled my arm so bad that the corner of my bed sheet was red. And I just kept punching my fucking head that day. I was so upset. And I don't know what set me off that day

[02:08:04] but it was so bad and it took me forever to calm down. I remember I got so mad. I was down at sheets. This was ages ago and I was bad with money. And I had overdraft fees. I've been I burned through two bank cards

[02:08:29] and I had smoked six marble red 100s and had two red bulls to calm down. To call all that to calm down. That ain't norm. That's not normal at all. Yeah, that's enough. And I quit smoking. I did that ages ago. I did that years ago.

[02:08:52] I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I eat healthier. I'm currently on my third day of fasting working on my force. Good. Yeah, it feels great like fasting. Great like fasting. I vastly recommend that shit. That is everybody should try it.

[02:09:08] Yeah, word if you can't if you say you can't you're full of shit. You can do it. It's not that fucking hard. It's nice. I have such an abundant amount of energy. I feel good. I'm not. We all got to do some kind of biohacking

[02:09:24] everything instead of you know like I tried out some of those keto foods. Some of them didn't agree with me but I'm going to there's also a difference between food allergy and what's it called a food intolerance. So I am going to do a food intolerance sometime

[02:09:41] next year and when I get the good dough but always have money in your account but also know when to quit like don't word don't be a slave. Don't force yourself. Don't act like everything is going to be okay. Don't do the kiss ass.

[02:09:57] It is so obvious and truth be told if someone's a scumbag you know and they see a mirror themselves they're not even going to reward someone who's just like them. They have to really just like you or feel like they can take advantage of you.

[02:10:10] So again either way you lose. You lose. Don't like the best compliment I've ever got from like five different teachers and even a few professors was I need more like you. You're quiet. You're focused and you're stunning. That didn't take into account that I had a terrible time

[02:10:27] making friends. I couldn't stand to be around so many different people. I was shy but I also well but it sucks to have to describe this to people because they think oh you gotta do one or do it all and it's like no

[02:10:41] I lost a lot of stuff. Why are you so fucked up? Like we're just playing together. I was dicking around on the computer and I really should have just been out and about like playing in the park. I should have hung out with a group but I

[02:10:52] didn't have that. I hated exercising. Man me too. Now I love it and it's like great. Yeah like I went to Texas Bird House a few years back for my mother's birthday and that was like a shame they have everywhere. Yeah it was like sensory overload for me

[02:11:09] because it got so loud I ended up putting my music on and just sat there and listened to my music while I was eating. Drown out the noise like fuck. That's bad. Yeah it is bad. It's like I didn't know I had that issue.

[02:11:26] There are certain restaurants that I will never go ever again and I'm sure I've told you this before. I have had a relative who is no longer with me who would blame the pizza guy, blame the delivery guy. I didn't understand the whole tipping

[02:11:40] just acted like they were. Oh god I have a good tipping story. Go for it. And we've all had to learn that too how that is still like the worst job for anybody like and demands a lot. You have to be do the whole customers

[02:11:55] right you have to offer to repair the food and other times they'll just say no you know what I'm gonna be dick and you know pour the soup on you and give you a bad rating it's like Jesus you know. I was 10 and we ordered pizza from

[02:12:11] down the street and the guy delivered it and back told me to give him the change. Now I'm 10 so I give him all the coins and this guy looks at his hand he looks at the coins and he looks up and I told him thank you and went

[02:12:32] back inside and she looked at me and she's like did you give him the change yeah give him all the coins and he's like you're supposed to give them the bills too. You didn't say that. Yeah did you ever have anyone who held like the pizza guy accountable

[02:12:53] like they were a body shill and it's just like man dude they're just delivering they're not they don't look inside the food to make sure it's even there or done well you know they're the delivery man they're the courier. No I never had that but she called

[02:13:07] them back and had him come back so she could give them their remaining bit of the change. Now she's like you have to give them the bills and coins I'm like I don't know this. Yeah that's the one thing I hate about her she gives incomplete

[02:13:23] directions half the time. There's a lot of that too I would fall victim to the whole 20% off like well like in the actual price. Have you read the paper lately? Like Sunday paper? I you know I used to read it a lot quite even if you notice that

[02:13:38] the coupons haven't been as good as it used to be. I kind of noticed that with like other like newsletters that come in the mail to where like every coupon I've seen lately has been fucking that's a good idea but I'm not gonna tell. Metamucil, fucking Pepto-Bismol,

[02:13:56] fucking Pain pills. And it's and it expires before the end of the month to where you're like Jesus how this liquidation cell but yeah I'm looking at I'm like where's the shit for the juices and shower gel and razors and baby formula and

[02:14:13] all that shit like where are them coupons at? Like I used to make a fortune. We need those coupons yeah. Yeah like I used to get so many good coupons and I loved it and then they stopped putting the good ones out like I've

[02:14:28] I stocked up on shower gel like a boss with them coupons. I got 40 bottles worth. They're fine until you don't use them anymore and so exactly I wish they would change it up instead of one company. Just takes up all the ads or

[02:14:46] just like I don't the nearest store isn't in my area anymore. Yeah that sucks. But there's other ones where I'm like you know I put less stock in that kind of coupons if I know I won't make time to use them.

[02:15:07] I do at Tom's Thumb they have you know buy two of one candy and you get two free so I do use that for twigs on occasion but it also depends on how I'm feeling. I think people got to go with their gut but they also got to

[02:15:21] know reflect on keep reminding themselves why am I making that decision justify it all and be prepared to be asked something on the spot instead of whoa shucks I don't know how I've always done some kind of courage to just say

[02:15:36] what's on your mind once in a while like again because one day they're going to dead and gone and you're going to be standing there never said what was on your mind you never kindled a friendship or told someone hey you don't get me

[02:15:52] I get that it's either said than done there are plenty of people I don't like talking to or who but the day is going to come you know where I'm at a funeral with them and I want to be able to at least have a coherent conversation.

[02:16:04] I don't have to eat with them or spend more than 20 minutes but I should be able to make it through the funeral you know like I already have stuff in my head on like what I will say to people I'm going to be like one

[02:16:17] of the first saying hey I'm throwing a sign my tears. There you go I got my will figured out I got I got this and that let's do it I get beds pain in the ass but I'd rather have it done by today so

[02:16:30] I can take that pressure off. Yeah like going back to my high school crush and shit and what she did for me. I actually got the balls to tell her all the good she did for me and most people most people like you did that that works

[02:16:52] that that happens yeah it happens and I got blocked for it. And she's and it hurt it really hurt like it took me 20 like it was two years ago today. I wrote it up on my notes and sent it to her Instagram account

[02:17:16] and she blocked me and yeah it hurt because I'm like everything aligned for me to hear it's also an anniversary for when I first met Jess and shit and I was like this is perfect it's the right time and I went with it got blocked and it sucks

[02:17:41] because you know I still want to tell her all the good shit she has done for me over the past 22 years. It's amazing like because of her talking to me I'm talking to you now. I have a stable friendship slash relationship with my girl

[02:18:04] we're not in a relationship now because we had to part ways but we're still good deep friends. It sucks just it was the long distance that killed it. I have my writing because of her. I have a deeper understanding of women because of her.

[02:18:30] I have so much love that's it. I got so much love for her but not in a relationship beginning it was all us I have to have her she's mine nobody else can have her and as I got older yeah she's not in property

[02:18:59] yeah it's like damn I never had time for any jealousy like I kind of was able to squish that right away which just I like seeing beautiful people but it wasn't the whole lucky guy you know what was he doing because then I'd see how

[02:19:12] many idiots famous people got divorced and like see they they went on the looks they went on the fame it was a contract it wasn't an actual love so given how many people had would try and sell themselves I would have people the same

[02:19:33] gender think that I was gay just because I wasn't seeing with a woman I would see women who would do the whole hey let's hang out you know my because my friend endured me too you know and I would just be like please leave

[02:19:46] me alone I have zero interest and fortunately I ignored a lot of people but I ate me up I really felt it when I had kind of my I got really woke a few years ago I just realized you know because I was having bad

[02:20:04] sleep so I got the sleep figured out you know and it wasn't just pills it was also using devices that alleviate stress and anxiety and having a healthy world beats on YouTube I love them shit it's some very good those beats are good but definitely I

[02:20:22] find that if you're going to have any regret that would be something that you really absolutely want to change but at the same time I like where I am right now so I really don't want to change anything but if I had

[02:20:34] to do it better then I would have said you know I would have spoken my mind said hey guys I realize you're about this I'm not about it you know I'm I want to get out of this prison that is school I

[02:20:46] have no desire to play pranks on each other but that might have made me a little more of a target but then you know if I was less insecure I might have just said hey you know I'm boring go somewhere else

[02:21:02] I just want to go home and that's what role play was good for it was such a great outlet because you were character yeah you get tired of being in reality for so long and you just want to escape like the matrix it was a virtual reality

[02:21:19] system yeah it really was and it was so easy it was the easiest fucking system ever and I ruined it I ruined it and I take full accountability for that shit I fucked it up COVID hit I spent my time wisely everybody else is like oh

[02:21:45] I can't do anything I'm gonna call the police and bitch about my wife he's like we're fucked up so me go anywhere yeah me being me I focused on cleaning my storage unit because I had let it go forever when I moved back home in

[02:22:03] 2017 I just let it all pile up it was boxes and bags oh wow and I was like you know what I'm gonna clean this unit so I spent the better part of the last three years 2020 to 2022 cleaning it and I got it all cleaned

[02:22:27] up I got the boxes in trash I would do that every other year post covid like I was being like hey all this cosplay all this stuff I will never make it's going out I had some other spray paint other stuff and it

[02:22:39] got to that point where I'm like you know I'm not making time I don't want to make time it's got to go to someone else who will actually use it and I think more people should think like that literally yeah go to a

[02:22:53] shoe donation plant by your nearest 7-eleven go to a 7-eleven or just go to a goodwill just go somewhere is no longer your problem but it you will feel so much better as opposed to just throwing stuff for the trash the next

[02:23:10] day yeah like when I moved out in 2017 and that that's another story for another time we all have I know I have so many we can go over right now but it's like I got rid of so much shit oh my god I

[02:23:31] had so many burned CDs of audiobooks I didn't listen to them anymore I fucked them broke them up threw them in the trash I got rid of three bags of clothes I didn't wear anymore I got rid of three bags of toys I

[02:23:47] didn't play with I got rid of two half-filled large boxes of VHS tapes I didn't watch and donated all that to goodwill and all the oh my god the fucking trash I had 13 13 fucking bags of trash 13 of trash oh god oh so glad

[02:24:13] to be rid of all that shit oh man it's amazing like me and my neighbor Terry before he died he we were talking about how much stuff we had like it's amazing how much you have when you look at it right like yeah it is amazing it's

[02:24:29] really scary at the same time because you never realize how much you have until you see it in front of you yep and I was like damn you're right and I miss him too he was cool he died of um he had a seizure

[02:24:45] and then he was brain dead and then he died to injury yeah it was a shame too he was so I don't have a brain but my body's still functioning that that's the ultimate insult I don't want to be the paralyzed guy making everyone

[02:25:01] freak out saying you know we're running out of money we can't afford to keep you alive anymore I want you to just pull the trigger I'm not living on my vegetable man that's what what if I can still partially hear you that is torture to me because I

[02:25:14] want to communicate yeah that's what my grandmother she I'm glad I'm glad she died of a stroke and not COVID because COVID was horrible for me and it almost killed my hand but my grandmother yeah my grandmother died of a stroke she had it and I

[02:25:38] regret this shit it's a tiny regret because I had went toy shopping the day it happened and I didn't know what happened until after and I meant to call her after I was done toy shopping and I was like no I'll call

[02:25:55] her tomorrow and she ended up having a stroke and it left the left side of her body paralyzed and she would have needed help with everything 24 seven care and if the doctor left the decision down to my aunt on what to do

[02:26:17] with her and on the plug on her was the hardest thing she had to do I still my aunt doesn't know this but my stepfather does um I actually took a picture of mom dead before I left the room because it was

[02:26:40] the last time I ever saw her uh I needed it to cement in my in my head so I knew that she was gone because I have lost so many people over the years and mom was the closest to me and I took her for granted so many

[02:27:02] times and I remember in her room at the hospital after I took the after I took the picture and it was before I went to the dry erase board and it said what are you gonna it's like what are your goals for today and I

[02:27:22] took that sharpie and I wrote try to smile and left it there that's the last thing I wrote on that board and that was three years ago no no four years ago when I lost her and it hurt because I lost mom on good terms

[02:27:43] we had we left on good terms not bad and I love that because I hate that there was I hate having regret when someone dies because then I'm like fuck why why can't I have this healing process you know yeah please let me grieve why yeah I

[02:28:02] know it's like fuck it hurts so bad and speaking of grieving and shit when I lost my bestie crystal in 2013 to an overdose that broke me because that ended on bad terms but then uh it took me 10 years to go to her grave

[02:28:20] and they are never kidding when they say choose your last words carefully yeah I don't ever want someone to be in a car accident and the last time I saw them we had sworn you know each other off I there's people who I accept the rejection

[02:28:37] I know there's people in high school I would love to hang out with but truth be told they were kind of the kind where they're like they wanted to put it all behind and start anew and I respect that versus me too and it's nothing personal yeah it's

[02:28:51] never compared to wow you think that about me let me put that on the record even if it doesn't change anything because I don't want anyone spreading rumors that aren't true but yeah I've done that everyone has their own truth in some way or just like yeah well

[02:29:07] they don't like your face yeah they don't want to be friends so I'm moving on because they don't like yesterday yeah it was yesterday um my friend Brittany went into surgery and had um no it's not bad it's a good story I promise um she had

[02:29:28] I don't know what surgery she had but she's doing good now she came out of surgery good and I was worried about her that whole oh yesterday oh sorry I didn't want to work out at all and I was just I wasn't like

[02:29:44] messed up in the head and shit I was like I don't know what's going to happen and I hate that worrying back I hate that something is going to interrupt me eventually yeah and I was so worried that all of a sudden Bible verses kept popping

[02:29:59] up in my head and I'm like what is with these fucking verses I don't even read the Bible so I looked them all up and it drove me nuts I'm like who the fuck is putting verses in my head? I do a head with Galatians 4 10 to 16

[02:30:19] and I reread that twice and cried and it was Crystal reaching out to me to comfort me because she knew I was worried and it was the same situation because I was in the hospital with her when she was in a coma and didn't come out of it

[02:30:42] and Brittany was in surgery and I knew she was going to come out of it and I was like setting myself up to you know she's gonna she's not gonna make it she's not gonna make it and Crystal was here to reassure me that she'd be all right

[02:30:58] and whatnot yeah so it's like I bonds and death are stronger than anything and it's crazy you get braver because no one wants death you know it's inevitable so then it's like once you take out the fucked up part of it where you're like ah but this is

[02:31:16] gonna happen that's gonna happen like well it doesn't have to happen this or that way you still have some level of control about it that's why I get old people it's like tell me what you want to tell me now before i'm fucking dead

[02:31:27] hey fuck your stupid speech yeah save that for when i'm actually dead at the funeral but yeah I mean he was a great man you don't fucking know me and get one life and even if you believe in reincarnation you're gonna come back a different person not gonna

[02:31:43] have the memories so I mean I think a lot of people let a lot of stuff go I'm I'm glad that I've taken my time I just don't like that other stuff has taken way more time than it has so all I can say is you know make

[02:31:57] use of every precious minute now so definitely this has been a delight though because I feel like we have found that all these separate unrelated events are inseparable in some cause because they affect our not even our persona they affect our habit and now they're

[02:32:18] not even habits now their functions that help us do better and that's how my brain works it's like a train or all the trains are rolling in tracks and it's in perfect synergy and cohesion yeah yeah and I love that because I roll with the train analogy because

[02:32:38] it makes so much sense follow us on the web on Facebook Twitter and Instagram the podcast is available on Podbean Spotify, iHeartRadio, Anchor, Apple and anywhere else podcasts are available feel free to review our show and leave comments on any of those sites thanks a million for listening