Finding F%cking Courage After Loss with Tara Marino

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[00:01:05] Hello, hello, all of my beautiful freaking people. Welcome back to another episode of FML Talk.

[00:01:14] Everybody take a deep cleansing breath with me, you guys, because this episode is a doozy. Sit back, grab a cocktail, and welcome to FML Talk.

[00:01:26] Oh my God. Wait, how old was the other girl? 19. Can you believe that?

[00:01:29] Hey, this is Gabrielle Stone.

[00:01:31] Good book.

[00:01:33] He did what?

[00:01:34] 48 hours?

[00:01:35] What a dick.

[00:01:36] Yeah, but have you seen all the photos on our Instagram?

[00:01:39] And this is FML Talk.

[00:01:41] Oh no, she didn't.

[00:01:43] Okay, you guys, I was pitched this guest, saw one of the talking points and immediately got chills and was like,

[00:01:52] yes, I have to have her on, but absolutely not. I don't want to at the same time.

[00:01:56] So whenever that energy presents itself in me, I know it's for a very big reason. So before we get into this episode, listen to the trigger warning, but get through the entire trigger warning before you make a decision on this episode or not.

[00:02:11] Today, Tara Marino is here.

[00:02:14] She is an incredible businesswoman.

[00:02:19] She has built her company from the ground up after a huge tragedy in her life.

[00:02:27] So we're going to be talking about the loss of her newborn son and the grief that ensued after that and how that was the catalyst to her healing so much of herself and going on to fulfill her life's purpose and destiny.

[00:02:51] Obviously, I was like, you guys, I don't know, actually may or may not know, this is like my worst fear.

[00:03:00] I've been like faced with all my abandonment shit and fear of the men in my life leaving since I had my son.

[00:03:08] It's something I continually have to stay on top of my thoughts about and really like look at what it's bringing up in me.

[00:03:16] You know, the kids come to heal some shit.

[00:03:18] But I'm like, OK, buddy, I got the lesson.

[00:03:21] But also just like make sure you stay around forever.

[00:03:23] OK, thanks.

[00:03:24] So this was like I got on the Zoom with her and was like, hi, I'm triggered.

[00:03:32] I don't really want to talk about any of this.

[00:03:35] But we proceeded and she it's she's so beautifully open and her story is so moving.

[00:03:44] And just so many of the things she said were these little nuggets that are just such gifts in moving through grief, moving through life.

[00:03:55] Like there was just so many good things that came from this conversation.

[00:04:01] And I walked away with a lot of peace around loss, around moving forward, around having a choice.

[00:04:12] Like it was just she's a really beautiful soul.

[00:04:14] And I was really thankful that she came on to share her story in such an open way to help others heal.

[00:04:24] So with that knowledge, I hope you can try and get through this episode with me.

[00:04:30] It's really beautiful.

[00:04:31] It's really moving.

[00:04:33] And the work that she has since gone on to do is really incredible and empowering a lot of women all over the world.

[00:04:40] So without further ado, let's get into it.

[00:04:47] Tara Marino, welcome to FML Talk.

[00:04:50] I'm so thrilled to have you here.

[00:04:51] How are you?

[00:04:52] I am so good, Gabrielle.

[00:04:54] How are you?

[00:04:54] I'm so good.

[00:04:55] And I'm so ready for this conversation.

[00:04:57] The second I saw your face, I was like, deep cleansing breath.

[00:05:03] OK, let's dive in.

[00:05:06] 100%.

[00:05:06] 100%.

[00:05:07] So before we dive in, can you just give everybody kind of an overview,

[00:05:11] like the cliff notes of your story and how it is that you came to be helping women all around the world?

[00:05:18] Yeah.

[00:05:19] Well, I know like we touched on this, like when we first just connected a second ago.

[00:05:23] And it's like, we all have our stories and we all have our defining moments.

[00:05:28] And you know what?

[00:05:31] They're freaking amazing.

[00:05:33] They're amazing.

[00:05:34] Every single one of them.

[00:05:36] So briefly, and I know we'll go wherever, wherever we're called inside of this conversation.

[00:05:41] Finding out that I was pregnant at 25 years old was like the greatest gift of my life.

[00:05:47] I was like, OK, God, I have my direction.

[00:05:50] I know where I'm going.

[00:05:51] I have my purpose.

[00:05:52] Like it's all laid out.

[00:05:54] Now I don't have to worry.

[00:05:55] So as fate would have it, you know, my son passed away in my arms after he was born, six days after he was born.

[00:06:03] And this is really what catapulted me into everything.

[00:06:07] I did not have a business before that occurred.

[00:06:09] A lot of people ask me, so how did you weave in, you know, the business?

[00:06:13] No, this is what started everything.

[00:06:16] So that grief, that loss, that gift.

[00:06:19] And I do want to be bold enough to say that.

[00:06:21] That gift is what inspired everything that I'm living now.

[00:06:26] The business, elegant femme, the femme types were born through the loss of my son.

[00:06:30] Just this real deep necessity to heal myself is where it all started.

[00:06:36] This wasn't some grandiose business plan of how can I change the world and impact the world?

[00:06:40] And, you know, let's make a million dollars or two or three or ten.

[00:06:44] It wasn't that intention.

[00:06:45] The intention was, I feel so lost, so angry, so bitter, so ugly in every sense of the word.

[00:06:55] Am I going to choose to keep living or not?

[00:06:58] And that's where it all started.

[00:06:59] Yes.

[00:07:00] Okay.

[00:07:01] There's so much to like already dig into there.

[00:07:03] I find it really empowering that you use the bold term of a gift with your grief.

[00:07:11] My mom, when my dad passed, this was like her soulmate and he died really suddenly of a heart attack.

[00:07:18] And it was like really traumatic.

[00:07:19] I walked in and found him.

[00:07:21] And she, when she was going through that grieving process, how she describes it as one day she was

[00:07:27] in the grief.

[00:07:28] She like dropped to her knees and she was like, I need a way to heal myself.

[00:07:32] I don't want to feel like this anymore.

[00:07:34] And right then was when she heard her first message.

[00:07:37] And she's now like a clairaudient channel that helps people all around the world.

[00:07:41] So it was that, that really was the catalyst to her doing and creating this whole type

[00:07:48] of healing work that she does.

[00:07:50] That's been so powerful for me, for her, for all of her clients.

[00:07:53] So I really resonate when you say the gift, because a lot of times that, that moment where

[00:08:01] we're like at the fork in the road and it's either like, we're not going to move forward

[00:08:06] and we're just going to throw in the towel, which who would blame you for thing, you know,

[00:08:11] what you're dealing with, or you're going to let that be your jumping off point to really

[00:08:16] go somewhere.

[00:08:17] So if you're comfortable, can you take me through kind of, I mean, what happened?

[00:08:22] Yeah.

[00:08:23] Yeah.

[00:08:24] Yeah.

[00:08:24] So first of all, I want to say chills when I hear this story with your mom.

[00:08:28] And I also want to be so transparent with everybody that this was not like a, oh, yay,

[00:08:34] what's the gift?

[00:08:36] Right.

[00:08:36] Of course.

[00:08:37] Not some sugar coated journey.

[00:08:41] It's deep.

[00:08:42] Parts of it felt dark.

[00:08:44] You know, I was going to bed with a bottle of wine and Xanax for the first year, literally.

[00:08:50] And so, you know, it was again, the first year was this, gosh, I, I haven't shared this part

[00:08:58] very often.

[00:08:59] I can literally remember being in like TJ Maxx in Arizona, looking through the rack of all

[00:09:05] black dresses and being like, I'm picking out a dress for my son's funeral.

[00:09:09] Like I never like, what?

[00:09:13] Yeah.

[00:09:14] Like, what are you talking about?

[00:09:16] I was, it was this cavern that I found myself in that I literally, you know, life has this

[00:09:23] way, if we allow it of cracking us open to such an extent where we literally go mindless.

[00:09:31] And I know that can feel really scary and it can be really scary, but at the same time,

[00:09:36] this shaking inside of us to such an extent that we're like, are we cursing?

[00:09:44] Are we cursing?

[00:09:45] Oh, yes.

[00:09:46] Oh, yes.

[00:09:46] I saw your book.

[00:09:49] I like to ask, because my podcast manager is like, okay, explicit, explicit.

[00:09:53] Like, who the fuck am I?

[00:09:55] Yeah.

[00:09:56] Like, let me pause.

[00:09:57] So it was those moments through the first year where I was like, what is happening?

[00:10:03] Who am I?

[00:10:04] Why did this happen?

[00:10:05] So like a year after these bottles of wine, Xanax, these moments of like, oh my God, I'm

[00:10:12] like, what am I going to drive off the cliff?

[00:10:14] No joke.

[00:10:15] Like literally, is it this?

[00:10:17] Because this hurts too bad.

[00:10:18] So where really am I being called?

[00:10:21] Am I being led?

[00:10:21] A year after, I was surrounded by lawyer paperwork and I had an opportunity to file a lawsuit.

[00:10:28] And I remember screaming like, why me?

[00:10:32] Why me?

[00:10:33] Why me?

[00:10:34] Why me?

[00:10:35] And I feel like when we ask that kind of answer, you know, it really provides us a stunning opportunity

[00:10:41] to see who we're listening to.

[00:10:44] And my ego was more than happy to come up with all the reasons I deserved to be punished.

[00:10:51] I had an abortion when I was 17 years old.

[00:10:53] I stole a piece of bubble gum when I was five.

[00:10:56] I mean, literally everything that was like, you're a bad person.

[00:11:00] Right.

[00:11:00] So before you deserve this punishment, similarly to your mom's story, as I was asking this,

[00:11:07] why me?

[00:11:08] Why me?

[00:11:09] I heard a voice say, stop asking why and start asking how.

[00:11:14] And I froze.

[00:11:16] The voice was quiet.

[00:11:18] It was a whisper.

[00:11:19] And it was this first little crevice of opening.

[00:11:21] I'm like, Terry, you do have a choice.

[00:11:24] Even though you cannot bring Mason back and all of these papers are not going to bring Mason back.

[00:11:29] How are you going to choose to live through this?

[00:11:32] Are you going to choose to live through this?

[00:11:34] The closest thing I could grasp onto was, okay, what kind of mother would I have wanted to be?

[00:11:40] And am I?

[00:11:41] Even though he's not here, what kind of mother can I be that he would be

[00:11:44] proud of?

[00:11:45] That was the closest, like just taste of power that I could consider embodying.

[00:11:52] And from that point, I did start journaling with these, I'm going to channeling, channeling

[00:11:57] with these aspects inside that I heard.

[00:12:00] And literally every day I started to put myself back together again.

[00:12:04] And this is how the femme types were born, the healing system that was birthed through

[00:12:08] me with Mason's dad.

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[00:13:14] We're all out of the ordinary.

[00:13:21] Oh my God.

[00:13:22] Okay.

[00:13:22] So you were filing paperwork.

[00:13:25] What was the cause, if you don't mind me asking?

[00:13:29] So they ended up doing an ECMO procedure on his body, which is a pretty complex answer,

[00:13:36] but they ended up doing a couple of procedures that they didn't take the correct

[00:13:40] precautions for to try to support him.

[00:13:43] But again, this is all like, you know, red tape and things that like in the end,

[00:13:53] it was meant to be this way.

[00:13:55] Right.

[00:13:56] That's what I really needed to honor for myself.

[00:14:00] Like no matter how many questions of the why and what could I have done differently?

[00:14:05] What could have my husband or the doctors or the this or the that or the NICU?

[00:14:09] It was like, okay, honestly, in that moment, and this was something that actually really was

[00:14:14] an interesting portal of peace for me.

[00:14:17] Even if God had come down and told me why, it would not have mattered.

[00:14:23] Right.

[00:14:23] Right.

[00:14:24] I mean, it would not have, the why was not going to support me in that moment.

[00:14:33] Even, even if in that moment, I would have seen a vision of, well, you know, you're going to

[00:14:39] help thousands of women and you're going to grow an eight figure business.

[00:14:42] No, I would have said, I don't care.

[00:14:44] Yeah.

[00:14:45] Right.

[00:14:45] I don't care.

[00:14:46] Give me my son.

[00:14:47] I don't care.

[00:14:48] I don't want all this other shit.

[00:14:49] I want my son.

[00:14:50] Yeah.

[00:14:50] So that, that, that the, why really doesn't matter that the, how am I going to step into

[00:14:56] this now was my point of help.

[00:15:00] After your experience and like your spiritual growth, I'm interested if you believe, and

[00:15:07] as hard as it sounds for people's conscious minds to grasp, but I know in my mom's work,

[00:15:13] she believes that no soul really leaves without choice and that they don't leave without fulfilling

[00:15:19] whatever they were here to do.

[00:15:21] Do you believe that as well?

[00:15:23] A hundred million percent.

[00:15:24] A hundred million percent.

[00:15:26] I've had so many gorgeous conversations with Mason now.

[00:15:29] I have such gratitude for the months that we did spend together.

[00:15:33] And it is so clear to me.

[00:15:34] It's, it's so extraordinary when you're in these moments, the kind of clarity or things

[00:15:40] that you're moved to do.

[00:15:41] Like I held him when he took his last breath.

[00:15:45] This is so poetic.

[00:15:46] Like what gave me the strength to do that in this moment and to say to him, like, it's

[00:15:50] okay.

[00:15:52] You can go.

[00:15:53] Like we fulfilled our karma together.

[00:15:57] Like what an extraordinary gift.

[00:15:59] The humanness inside of me, that doesn't make sense.

[00:16:02] Nor did I want to let him go.

[00:16:04] But how could the love inside of me want anything different?

[00:16:10] Oh, it's so like worst fear, devastating, tragic, and beautiful the way that you speak about

[00:16:20] it at the same time.

[00:16:21] And I, before we like move on into everything that this catapulted you into, which is incredible

[00:16:28] from the time that we're recording this, this is going to air a lot later, but in a week,

[00:16:32] my good friend is coming to visit from London, who is written about in my book.

[00:16:38] And she had her son just after I had mine and his name is Mason and I get to meet him for

[00:16:44] the first time.

[00:16:45] So I feel like that's just a little, a little sign for you that I wanted to pass on.

[00:16:50] This is, I mean, thank you.

[00:16:54] Yeah.

[00:16:55] It's like, it's real.

[00:16:58] So real.

[00:16:59] Like I want us all to know, like it's just, it's so real.

[00:17:04] Yeah.

[00:17:05] They never really leave.

[00:17:06] It's just a different form.

[00:17:08] Yeah.

[00:17:10] All the chills.

[00:17:11] Okay.

[00:17:12] So you, which I think is so incredibly relatable, had a year of going to bed with a bottle of

[00:17:20] wine and Xanax.

[00:17:21] I can't even imagine.

[00:17:22] Once you got to that point where you were like, okay, how am I going to move forward?

[00:17:27] And you heard that voice, like, take me through what happened next and how you really decided

[00:17:32] to like continue living.

[00:17:34] Yeah.

[00:17:35] So literally that, that moment was a catapult.

[00:17:38] So sitting there on the floor, I can still feel the cold title underneath my butt.

[00:17:43] Like I can still feel that moment of like, wait, what?

[00:17:47] Hold on.

[00:17:48] Hold on.

[00:17:49] And also that choice of, am I going to let this in?

[00:17:52] Am I really going to let this awareness fully inside of me?

[00:17:56] Or am I going to continue to buy into the illusion that I deserve to be punished?

[00:18:01] And this is something that again, no matter if we can relate exactly to my story or another

[00:18:07] one, we all have this beauty inside of the human experience to feel the intensity of pain and

[00:18:13] all of that.

[00:18:14] It's a gorgeous quote.

[00:18:15] Okay.

[00:18:16] Gorgeous part of the human experience.

[00:18:17] And then we do come, I believe to a precipice where we're like, okay, am I going to continue

[00:18:22] in this way?

[00:18:23] Or has this come to completion and can now I let it go?

[00:18:27] So in that moment, I made a conscious choice to let it go.

[00:18:30] I started journaling like voraciously about this voice.

[00:18:34] What do you mean?

[00:18:35] How, how, how, what, how can I live?

[00:18:37] What does that look like?

[00:18:38] What does that mean?

[00:18:39] And what I started to feel immediately was this point of power and awareness inside of

[00:18:44] my value and my self-worth, regardless of what had happened.

[00:18:48] And this incredible like matrix kind of feeling of like, no matter what, I'm going to be okay.

[00:18:55] And I asked this voice, like, who are you?

[00:18:58] And I heard really clearly the Indy and I started journaling.

[00:19:02] I connect you with your being.

[00:19:03] I connect you with the awareness that no matter what outside circumstances are happening, you're

[00:19:09] okay.

[00:19:09] You're connected.

[00:19:10] You're going to be okay.

[00:19:12] And this was such a point of solace for me continued on to my body image.

[00:19:18] Because when I looked down, I saw a C-section scar.

[00:19:21] I had a freezer full of breast milk and no baby.

[00:19:24] I couldn't take a shower.

[00:19:25] I couldn't look down.

[00:19:27] It was incredibly painful for me to even be inside of my human existence.

[00:19:31] One of the things I love is the French language, all things French.

[00:19:37] I had wanted to live there from the time I was 14.

[00:19:39] So this other voice started to come through saying, I'm the Frenchie.

[00:19:43] I have everything to do with body image, pleasure, beauty.

[00:19:47] So I started just honestly with taking a shower.

[00:19:50] And in that little activity, I was like, okay, I'm in my body.

[00:19:55] I'm okay.

[00:19:56] So this was the Frenchie aspect.

[00:19:58] And quickly after that, followed the New Yorker, which was all about power and prosperity

[00:20:03] and me really allowing the level of experience that I desired next, even though the experience

[00:20:11] I had desired was to push a baby in the baby store.

[00:20:15] But to put my son down in the nursery that we had.

[00:20:18] I was like, we have these things in life, all of us that we look forward to a new job

[00:20:22] of this.

[00:20:23] And if life changes things, then all of a sudden the experience that we were seeking changes

[00:20:29] as well.

[00:20:30] So this idea of, can I allow more of what I'm seeking in this world, even though it's not

[00:20:35] that.

[00:20:36] So the Indian Frenchie and the New Yorker were born.

[00:20:39] And I started to align with these energies every single day.

[00:20:43] And I will tell you within such a short amount of time, people started to say to me, like, what

[00:20:48] the hell is going on with you?

[00:20:49] Because not only are you not the woman who experienced this loss with Mason, you know,

[00:20:56] you're not acting the same way, but you're not even the woman you were before.

[00:20:59] So what the hell is going on?

[00:21:01] Well, and how are you supposed to be the woman that you were before?

[00:21:04] Like, come on.

[00:21:05] Yeah.

[00:21:05] Yeah.

[00:21:07] I think there was just such a drastic change in the way that I was living and the way that

[00:21:10] I was presenting myself.

[00:21:13] People started to notice.

[00:21:14] And I would just say, oh, I have my fem types, like nonchalantly.

[00:21:17] And that's how it all started.

[00:21:20] Okay.

[00:21:20] So those are, that's how the fem types were born.

[00:21:23] How did you then decide to integrate those into a business and helping other women?

[00:21:30] Yeah.

[00:21:31] So I first started coaching other women who had lost children because it was such an easy,

[00:21:36] you know, as part of a group called Moms in Sympathy and Support, the Miss Foundation.

[00:21:41] And those women were coming to me saying, how did you get through this?

[00:21:44] And I would say, well, Indie, Frenchie, New Yorker.

[00:21:47] And they just started to heal very, very quickly with this concept.

[00:21:50] And then other women who hadn't lost children, but had lost a sense of identity or a dream,

[00:21:56] or just felt some sort of gap in their life with fulfilling who they knew themselves to

[00:22:01] be inside, started to ask for my support.

[00:22:04] And it really was word of mouth, word of mouth very, very quickly.

[00:22:08] Within less than a year, we were a six figure business.

[00:22:11] Wow.

[00:22:13] Yeah.

[00:22:13] I can't imagine, like, as we were talking before we started this interview, I was like,

[00:22:19] I'm scared to go there because I get like, it's like everyone that has a child, I feel like that's

[00:22:25] their worst fear.

[00:22:26] And like with my history with losing and abandonment, like it's always been very prevalent.

[00:22:31] And I can't imagine working with people that have been through one of the worst things

[00:22:36] imaginable on a day to day basis.

[00:22:38] Like, do you feel like that helped further your healing or was it triggering to go back

[00:22:44] to that?

[00:22:45] It's a really great question.

[00:22:46] So initially it helped with my healing, but it was not someplace that I was meant to stay.

[00:22:52] Right.

[00:22:52] For sure.

[00:22:53] For sure.

[00:22:54] For me, that was a period of conversation when I was enveloped in it and it felt congruent until

[00:23:00] the point that it didn't.

[00:23:02] And then it was, you know, if women are going through grief, I don't coach at that level

[00:23:06] anymore.

[00:23:07] Anyway, we have resources and things to support women in that kind of conversation.

[00:23:12] But for me, and this is going to sound really strange as I say it, and I don't need to be

[00:23:17] insensitive at all, but how I feel there was a bigger conversation for me to have.

[00:23:23] It sounds crazy, but this, and I want to be really tender as I say that, because I don't

[00:23:28] mean to lighten it.

[00:23:31] It's just a part of a huge conversation.

[00:23:36] All of us heal through grief in different ways.

[00:23:38] And there comes a point where, again, as I said in the beginning, we're invited out of

[00:23:43] that part of the conversation and into the now, how do I live?

[00:23:48] Yeah.

[00:23:48] So that's what I mean when there's a bigger conversation.

[00:23:51] The conversation that I'm led to have is, okay, through this experience, now how am I

[00:23:57] choosing and how am I called to really live?

[00:24:00] How am I called to integrate this into my deepest soul's calling?

[00:24:05] Yeah.

[00:24:13] I have so many questions.

[00:24:14] Your husband that you went through this with, are you guys still together?

[00:24:18] Yes.

[00:24:18] Okay.

[00:24:19] I would love to hear about that because I feel like so many times we hear how the mom couldn't

[00:24:27] cope or someone couldn't cope and all of the things.

[00:24:30] So how did that experience?

[00:24:32] How did you guys make it through that together as a couple?

[00:24:34] It's a really good question because I think the divorce rate for couples who lose a child

[00:24:40] is like upwards of 85%.

[00:24:44] So when it first occurred, my husband threw himself into work.

[00:24:47] He became the top salesperson in his company.

[00:24:51] I was journaling by the pool.

[00:24:54] I mean, we really healed in different ways and it was a constant.

[00:24:57] I mean, I am not going to lie.

[00:24:59] I mean, there was times where I was like, I don't know if we can do this.

[00:25:02] I don't know what this looks like for sure.

[00:25:06] And just like we're talking about power and choice, I chose to look for reasons to stay

[00:25:11] instead of reasons to go.

[00:25:13] I think that that's a conscious choice every day in every relationship.

[00:25:16] Like we're going to look for whatever, we're going to find whatever we're looking for.

[00:25:20] What are we looking for?

[00:25:21] So groups like the moms in sympathy and support were very helpful.

[00:25:25] The other thing that was really supportive for us is really to live into the next dream

[00:25:29] together.

[00:25:30] We love adventure.

[00:25:32] We're dreaming.

[00:25:32] We wanted to have another child as soon as possible.

[00:25:34] And I will say we did miss Carrie after we lost Mason, which was like, yeah.

[00:25:42] I'm sorry, God, I think you've made a mistake.

[00:25:44] Right.

[00:25:45] Like, have I not paid my dues?

[00:25:47] Yeah.

[00:25:47] Yeah.

[00:25:47] I've already passed this test.

[00:25:49] Like, are you joking?

[00:25:50] We now have two gorgeous boys.

[00:25:53] One going to be 21 and 18.

[00:25:55] I just like, oh, oh my God.

[00:25:57] You don't look like you should have a 21 year old.

[00:26:00] Thank you.

[00:26:01] I will take it.

[00:26:02] I will take it.

[00:26:03] I'll take it.

[00:26:03] So it really was a continued choice and an opening and deep, deep authenticity of how bad

[00:26:12] it hurt.

[00:26:13] You know, like we didn't, we didn't bury it.

[00:26:17] You know, we've learned over the years to continually ask for what we desire from each

[00:26:22] other, not as an expectancy of you're supposed to fill me or make me whole.

[00:26:26] The, the true awareness that I'm the only one that can do that.

[00:26:30] And I would love this level of support from you.

[00:26:34] Right.

[00:26:35] So yeah, uh, we did it and we continue to do it.

[00:26:40] You know, it's like, go ahead.

[00:26:44] What were you going to say?

[00:26:45] I was going to say when you had your first of your two boys now, what was that experience

[00:26:55] like?

[00:26:56] Did you, were you constantly fearing that something was going to happen or were you like, this

[00:27:01] is it?

[00:27:02] They're good.

[00:27:02] I'm in my knowing.

[00:27:04] I will tell you, I would remember driving down to a doctor's appointment.

[00:27:09] I was seven months pregnant and I was talking to my dad in the car and I was so afraid.

[00:27:14] Like, so I had an eating disorder, which I think a lot of women can relate to.

[00:27:19] So in college, right.

[00:27:20] I had, I mean, and so one of the things that I became really aware of that freaked the hell

[00:27:25] out of me is that when I lost Mason, I had a pregnant body and I would go through the grocery

[00:27:30] store and people would say, Oh, where's the baby.

[00:27:32] So when I got pregnant with Dominic, I was like, I don't want to look pregnant.

[00:27:38] So really paying attention to my mindset of the fear of like preparing myself that what

[00:27:44] if I lose another child, I don't want to go through that part of it.

[00:27:47] So how can I protect myself?

[00:27:49] Right.

[00:27:50] Talking to my dad in the car and I was feeling Dominic kick.

[00:27:53] And I was like, dad, like, what if, what if something happens to Dominic?

[00:27:58] Like, and he said, God, it was like some of my dad is so extraordinary.

[00:28:03] It's some of the best advice he's ever given me, but this was like top.

[00:28:08] Tara, no matter what you do, you will never be able to prepare for that.

[00:28:11] And I wanted him to say like, don't worry.

[00:28:15] It's going to be fine.

[00:28:16] Right.

[00:28:16] He couldn't say that.

[00:28:18] But what he did say was so true.

[00:28:20] Like you'll never be able to prepare for that.

[00:28:22] So why are you trying to protect yourself from it now?

[00:28:25] Cause you're pulling yourself out of the truth right now, which is Dominic's alive inside

[00:28:29] of you.

[00:28:30] He's here with you right now.

[00:28:33] That drastically changed the rest of my pregnancy, like pouring myself into, okay, he's

[00:28:38] here.

[00:28:39] He's here.

[00:28:40] He's here with me.

[00:28:41] He's here with me.

[00:28:42] Now, when Dominic was born, he actually came a little early.

[00:28:46] He was in the NICU, which is, he was in the same NICU where Mason passed away.

[00:28:51] Same one in Scottsdale.

[00:28:54] I can smell the antiseptic.

[00:28:56] I can see the door, you know, like seriously.

[00:29:00] Yeah.

[00:29:01] So when we got to take him home, he was in the NICU for, I think like a week.

[00:29:06] He was in the NICU for like a week.

[00:29:08] When he came home, we had an apnea.

[00:29:11] I think it's called apnea, an apnea machine just to make sure he was still breathing.

[00:29:14] No, literally we did not sleep.

[00:29:15] We just sat there and stared at him.

[00:29:17] And I can remember sitting in the rocker because we kept Mason's rocker.

[00:29:22] So I was like, I finally get to use the rocker and I'm in the corner and I'm singing this.

[00:29:28] I still sing it to him.

[00:29:30] The Shania Twain song.

[00:29:32] And there ain't no way.

[00:29:35] I'm letting you go now and there ain't no way.

[00:29:39] And that's was all I was like, I have my baby.

[00:29:44] I have my baby.

[00:29:45] No, it was, it was petrifying and beautiful and healing.

[00:29:52] Very healing.

[00:29:54] Yeah.

[00:29:54] And now that they're older, has that fear completely dissipated?

[00:30:00] So here's what I've learned.

[00:30:02] You know, when my son went off to college two years ago, I actually thought I felt like I

[00:30:06] was losing another child.

[00:30:07] Like it activated all those fears inside of loss.

[00:30:11] And again, that choice of like, you know, how am I going to respond to this and what's

[00:30:17] really true?

[00:30:19] What's really, really true in this moment, you know, changed a lot and gave me a lot of

[00:30:25] hope.

[00:30:26] But these moments that you move through in this way, it's like none of us really know what

[00:30:35] will happen or what it's going to be like.

[00:30:38] And just this constant surrender, I think the biggest thing I've learned is that these

[00:30:44] kids aren't mine.

[00:30:46] They're truly.

[00:30:48] And honestly, it's like I, I deeply, deeply in the part of me that is aware of my wholeness

[00:30:56] wants what is best for their souls.

[00:30:59] And I don't know what that is.

[00:31:01] I don't.

[00:31:02] Yeah, that's a tough.

[00:31:05] I resonate with it.

[00:31:06] And it's at the same time, as much as I believe that and understand it and grasp it.

[00:31:11] It's such a tough fucking concept.

[00:31:14] It is.

[00:31:15] And it's the only one that actually brings me peace in the end.

[00:31:19] Right.

[00:31:20] Because like, I literally don't know what's best for them.

[00:31:23] I don't.

[00:31:23] And it's changed the way I've parented, you know, like my kids will ask me and they have

[00:31:28] since I was little.

[00:31:29] Well, mom, what do you think?

[00:31:29] What do you think?

[00:31:30] What should I do?

[00:31:31] I'm like, I don't know.

[00:31:32] What's your heart say?

[00:31:33] I don't know.

[00:31:34] You need to trust yourself.

[00:31:36] Like what's most convenient for you.

[00:31:38] And that can be a frustrating response when someone's asking you for guidance.

[00:31:42] And of course, I'm there for their, for guidance.

[00:31:45] But inside of my own work and my own journey, witnessing so many women in their 40s, 50s,

[00:31:50] 60s, whatever, still not being able to trust themselves.

[00:31:54] Yeah.

[00:31:55] I feel like one of the core things that I can instill in my children is to trust yourself.

[00:31:59] Like it's between you and God.

[00:32:01] I literally don't know.

[00:32:03] I don't know.

[00:32:04] But I do know that God's got them.

[00:32:06] Like what life's got them.

[00:32:07] However, we want to frame it.

[00:32:08] It's so funny that you said that.

[00:32:10] I was just about to be like, look, everyone that's listening.

[00:32:12] If you're not, if you're not religious, it's like God, universe, higher power, like whatever

[00:32:18] you're identifying with.

[00:32:20] It's completely same, same, same shit.

[00:32:24] Same shit, same shit.

[00:32:25] God, universe, life.

[00:32:26] You know, it's like, that's been the biggest part of letting go for me.

[00:32:30] And what's actually supported me too, in making some of the most courageous decisions in my

[00:32:34] life.

[00:32:35] Like literally, I don't know what's going to happen.

[00:32:38] I don't know how long I'm going to be here.

[00:32:39] I don't know how my husband's going to be here.

[00:32:41] I don't know how any of us are going to be here.

[00:32:43] So every day I'm literally like, how can I play full out?

[00:32:47] Where am I buying into the illusion of fear?

[00:32:50] And where am I holding back my own expression and experience of love?

[00:32:54] Because I'm afraid of loss.

[00:32:56] Oh my God.

[00:32:57] Yeah.

[00:32:58] Yep.

[00:32:58] Yep.

[00:32:59] Yep.

[00:32:59] It's so funny.

[00:33:00] I was like getting on this call today and I knew we were going to like talk about some heavy

[00:33:05] shit and some triggering subjects.

[00:33:07] And I was like, yes, but there's always going to be a gift in that for me.

[00:33:11] And what you just said is such a good, powerful reminder to how you should be living all of your

[00:33:19] days.

[00:33:20] Like no matter what your, your fears are, no matter what you've been through, no matter

[00:33:24] what you might go through to wake up and say, how can I live full out a little bit more

[00:33:31] just because, because life.

[00:33:34] Yeah, exactly.

[00:33:35] And I need to remind myself daily.

[00:33:37] It's not like a one-time flip the switch.

[00:33:39] Like, okay, been through it.

[00:33:40] I remember that at one point, click like every day as we're, you know, propelled into

[00:33:45] some of the intense moments in our lives.

[00:33:47] We do forget.

[00:33:48] Yeah.

[00:33:49] I think it's supposed to.

[00:33:50] So it's that joy of remembering like, hold on.

[00:33:54] Right.

[00:33:54] I'm still here.

[00:33:56] I am still here.

[00:33:57] There will be a moment for every single one of us when we're not inside of this physical

[00:34:01] form.

[00:34:02] Hold on a second.

[00:34:03] Like what miracles, right?

[00:34:04] We talk, even I love the course of miracles.

[00:34:06] Like what miracles am I being asked to perform today?

[00:34:08] Which basically like, what level of love and expression is being called through me, whether

[00:34:13] it's to buy a Celine handbag or, you know, go to an ashram.

[00:34:18] Like there's no limitation to spirituality.

[00:34:21] God uses everything.

[00:34:22] Everything is spiritual.

[00:34:23] Like just let's go.

[00:34:25] Yeah.

[00:34:26] Yeah.

[00:34:26] People play.

[00:34:27] It's not like hustle.

[00:34:28] I don't mean that.

[00:34:29] I don't mean hustle.

[00:34:30] I don't mean burnout.

[00:34:31] I don't mean force yourself.

[00:34:32] I don't mean prove or justify.

[00:34:33] I mean, like really live, really live.

[00:34:37] Yeah.

[00:34:38] So when you're talking about the three Femi types, when someone has gone through something,

[00:34:45] no matter what the capacity it is and they come to you, is it you're trying to adopt all

[00:34:51] three of these types?

[00:34:52] Are you trying to align with one of the types?

[00:34:54] Like what's the process?

[00:34:55] Really good question.

[00:34:56] So we have all three and all three are really necessary because the majority of us either

[00:35:00] are hiding behind what we call inside elegant femme, the faux types, which aren't any of

[00:35:06] the femme types.

[00:35:07] It's really based in fear or we're utilizing one femme type.

[00:35:11] So we all have all three, the Indie, the Frenchie and the New Yorker.

[00:35:14] And on a daily basis, it is aligning with all three.

[00:35:17] So really looking at the identification of who do we desire to know ourselves as starting

[00:35:24] with the Indie.

[00:35:25] Like I don't believe personally, the idea of becoming for me sets a gap that we're not

[00:35:30] there yet.

[00:35:31] And I don't believe that it, for me, it creates a chasing energy.

[00:35:34] So the embodiment of who truly am I?

[00:35:37] Who am I to remember that I am?

[00:35:39] So doing a whole identification process with the Indie, which is the being, it's the connection.

[00:35:44] It's the awareness of our self-worth.

[00:35:46] It's that whole piece, the Frenchie with body image and beauty, prioritizing beauty as a

[00:35:53] means of evolution.

[00:35:54] We do heal through pain.

[00:35:56] It's true, right?

[00:35:58] It's a part of our journey.

[00:35:59] We know this.

[00:35:59] I feel like as a consciousness, as a collective, we have been there, done that when it comes

[00:36:05] to, I must struggle in order to evolve.

[00:36:08] And I feel the next part of the conversation in evolution is healing through beauty and

[00:36:12] healing through pleasure and allowing ourselves to expand our capacity for joy and the things

[00:36:18] that actually fuel us versus the expectancy of loss and pain that we have a tendency to

[00:36:25] protect ourselves from.

[00:36:27] And then of course the New Yorker, which is the power of prosperity and the allowing.

[00:36:31] So all three for sure.

[00:36:32] You know, we have a quiz where women can take it and find out where are they operating inside

[00:36:36] of all three, which then gives her a beautiful starting point of which fem type do I require

[00:36:42] to strengthen?

[00:36:42] Hmm.

[00:36:44] Okay.

[00:36:44] Awesome.

[00:36:45] Oh my God.

[00:36:45] I love this so much.

[00:36:46] Is this, do you get any men clients?

[00:36:49] No, no.

[00:36:50] So over the years we've gotten asked a lot and my husband did a whole training on what he

[00:36:56] calls the men types.

[00:36:58] So just swapping out the Frenchie for the Italian, because for him watching me inside

[00:37:04] of this process really supported a lot of his healing.

[00:37:06] Right.

[00:37:07] Now, because I coached him like, Lord knows ladies, we've tried, we've tried that.

[00:37:12] This is not work.

[00:37:13] This is not revenue that I would suggest at all.

[00:37:16] So him witnessing me saying yes to my power, him witnessing me and going for it really inspired

[00:37:23] him to start having a conversation inside of himself.

[00:37:25] So he created a program for men, but I don't personally coach men.

[00:37:29] That's awesome.

[00:37:31] Okay.

[00:37:31] This has been so incredibly powerful, moving eyeopening, like all of the fucking things.

[00:37:38] Can you tell everybody if they were inspired by anything they heard today, where they can

[00:37:43] find you, where your coachings are, like what all the good, good stuff you have, where all

[00:37:49] that is.

[00:37:49] For sure.

[00:37:50] We created a special link for your audience.

[00:37:52] So it's elegantfemme.com forward slash Gabrielle.

[00:37:55] Gabrielle for design assessment.

[00:37:57] So anyone that wants to plug in their information and see where they are inside their femme types,

[00:38:01] they can go there.

[00:38:02] And then of course we have our own beautiful soul at life podcast where we go really deep

[00:38:07] and how to live this way.

[00:38:08] And then Instagram, Tara and Marino or elegantfemme.es.

[00:38:13] Amazing.

[00:38:13] Can you, can you drop the custom link one more time, please?

[00:38:16] Yes.

[00:38:16] It's elegantfemme.com forward slash Gabrielle.

[00:38:20] Awesome.

[00:38:20] I stay with a little bit of a French accent.

[00:38:22] So yeah.

[00:38:23] You know, my, my, my dad, my dad was French.

[00:38:26] So I, I love it.

[00:38:28] All the little signs in this episode.

[00:38:30] It was great.

[00:38:32] Tara, thank you so much for being here, for being so vulnerable and sharing this incredible

[00:38:37] story that I know the people that got through the trigger warning in the beginning of this

[00:38:42] episode and were able to listen to it with an open heart.

[00:38:44] I know a lot of people got some really, really great gifts from it, myself included.

[00:38:48] So thank you.

[00:38:49] Thank you for having me.

[00:38:50] And thank you for being willing to go there.

[00:38:52] Like knowing inside that it was already presenting some tender material for you.

[00:38:57] Thank you for the courage to, to have the conversation.

[00:38:59] I really, really appreciate it.

[00:39:01] Yeah.

[00:39:01] Thank you for everything you're doing in the world and what you stand for, you know, like.

[00:39:05] Thank you.

[00:39:06] You know, you know.

[00:39:08] Thank you.

[00:39:09] Thank you for that.

[00:39:09] I appreciate it.

[00:39:14] I want to thank Tara so much for coming on and sharing her journey with us so openly.

[00:39:21] It never ceases to amaze me the kind of guests we attract to this show and how powerful these

[00:39:31] interviews can be.

[00:39:32] I'm so honored and so glad to have a show and a space where people feel they can come and

[00:39:41] be vulnerable and give these incredible gifts to anyone that's listening and at the same time

[00:39:48] put out episodes where we're laughing and talking about sex and all the things.

[00:39:53] I'm just very grateful to have you all here listening on this journey and allowing me to

[00:40:00] bring you content that I feel is important, valuable, and fun.

[00:40:07] I love you guys.

[00:40:09] I'll see you next week.

[00:40:13] All right, FMLers.

[00:40:15] If you don't want to miss an episode, make sure to follow on your favorite podcast app.

[00:40:19] And if you're loving the show, drop us a five-star rating and leave a review.

[00:40:24] You can keep up with me on Instagram at Gabrielle Stone or the podcast page at FML Talk Podcast.

[00:40:30] For all the merch and books signed personally by me, you can shop the FML line on eatpreyfml.com.

[00:40:38] And as always, have a fucking self-love cocktail on me.

[00:40:43] Cheers.

[00:40:50] This podcast has been brought to you by Podcast Nation.