Generations, Trauma, and the Power of F%cking Choice with Judy Wilkins Smith

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[00:01:32] What is up, all of my beeswilds?

[00:01:34] Beautiful freaking people. Welcome back to another episode of FML Talk. You guys, this episode today is going to change some of your lives if you are open to it and if you are willing to receive it. So sit back, grab a journal, grab a cocktail, and welcome to FML Talk.

[00:01:56] Oh my God. Wait, how old was the other girl? 19. Can you believe that? Hey, this is Gabrielle Stone.

[00:02:01] Good book.

[00:02:01] I've got a chapter 6.

[00:02:02] Oh, look at that. What?

[00:02:04] 48 hours?

[00:02:05] What a dick.

[00:02:06] Yeah, but have you seen all the photos on our Instagram?

[00:02:08] Oh my God.

[00:02:09] And this is FML Talk.

[00:02:11] Oh no, she didn't.

[00:02:12] All right, y'all. Judy Wilkins-Smith is here today. She is the author of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint.

[00:02:20] She is a world-renowned systemic work and constellations expert and motivational speaker.

[00:02:29] We get into it all today.

[00:02:34] We get into it all today, guys.

[00:02:35] Being stuck in your victimhood mentality.

[00:02:38] Why people glamorize suffering.

[00:02:42] Why are we finding validation in our trauma?

[00:02:45] And really, we dig into generational trauma and how that can be passed down genetically.

[00:02:53] So you could be walking around with bullshit that's not even your fucking fault, but that

[00:02:59] could be running your life and creating some not-so-fun stuff within your world.

[00:03:05] This interview was wildly interesting.

[00:03:08] It really digs into how you can let some of that go, how you can become aware of it so that it's

[00:03:18] not running your life, and how we can say goodbye to the victimhood bullshit that we carry around

[00:03:24] with us so often and step into our motherfucking power.

[00:03:28] I do want to let everyone know about a quick trigger warning.

[00:03:32] There is probably a two-minute segment of this interview where she references and uses examples

[00:03:40] of rape and sexual assault for a very teaching purpose, and I think it is well worth the mention

[00:03:48] that she brings up some really good points around that.

[00:03:52] But I do want to let you all know that is about a two-minute segment somewhere in this interview,

[00:03:57] so be aware if you have any triggers around that.

[00:04:00] All right, let's dive in with Judy.

[00:04:07] Judy Wilkins-Smith, welcome to FML Talk.

[00:04:10] I am so thrilled to have you here for this conversation today.

[00:04:13] And I am so happy to be here.

[00:04:15] Oh, I just, I love your energy and I love your accent.

[00:04:18] It's just, it's all wonderful.

[00:04:21] Thank you.

[00:04:22] So can you give everybody a little bit of a background on what it is that you do?

[00:04:26] I know you wrote an incredible book, Coding Your Emotional Blueprint, but give everyone

[00:04:31] just a little bit of background on how it is that you came to do the work that you do.

[00:04:35] Sure.

[00:04:35] So I do a form, I guess, of systemic work and constellations.

[00:04:40] First, I'm an executive coach, but I'm a systemic executive coach.

[00:04:45] So when I work with people, I do a deep dive into their careers and into their private lives

[00:04:50] or personal lives.

[00:04:51] Because who you are as a leader began with how and where you are at home or weren't.

[00:04:57] That said, I also do live events where it's everyday people.

[00:05:01] And those are the people who want to get to the next level.

[00:05:05] They're that demographic of people who go, you know what?

[00:05:08] It may be good.

[00:05:09] It could be better.

[00:05:10] I'm stuck.

[00:05:11] It could be better.

[00:05:12] What's possible?

[00:05:13] And so with systemic work and constellations, we look at your entire multi-generational system.

[00:05:20] And then a constellation is where we take whatever issue you bring and we play it out with you

[00:05:25] in 3D.

[00:05:26] So we construct it in 3D and you get to see connections, disconnects, obstacles, possibilities,

[00:05:34] who's in, who's out, but you see it in real time.

[00:05:37] And you get to complete things that you've never said or see patterns you've never seen.

[00:05:43] And so what happens is you have that transformational aha moment where you suddenly realize what's

[00:05:50] happened, how it's affecting me, and then you begin to rewire in the moment.

[00:05:55] So it's also a whole lot, I guess, of neuroscience.

[00:05:58] You're literally rewiring the head, heart, gut.

[00:06:00] So I do lots of those live events and people love them because they come in and they go out

[00:06:07] very differently.

[00:06:08] Yeah, I love that.

[00:06:10] That's such important work.

[00:06:11] We're going to talk a lot today about how we kind of glamorize our suffering and staying

[00:06:18] in that victimhood.

[00:06:20] I talk a lot on the show about not allowing stuff that you've been through to create a victim

[00:06:28] mentality instead to use those experiences or traumas to create a new path of where you

[00:06:35] want to go in the future and how that's going to push you forward and not keep you in that

[00:06:41] victimhood mentality.

[00:06:43] So let's start with why do you think in today's society we tend to glamorize our suffering?

[00:06:49] I think because when we see people ahead of us, around us, maybe those who are a little bit

[00:06:56] in a world that we would love to be in and they're suffering, it's like, I belong.

[00:07:01] So we found a way to belong with that kind of glamorized suffering.

[00:07:05] I think I very much get that we've all got a story.

[00:07:09] We've all got a story.

[00:07:11] Sitting in the suffering, somebody said to me, suffering is sacred.

[00:07:15] Now, I'm going to be very careful about what I say.

[00:07:18] It's part of a journey.

[00:07:20] So in that sense, it possibly is.

[00:07:22] But steering in it is not.

[00:07:25] That's stupid.

[00:07:26] Yeah.

[00:07:27] So like you said, if you've had suffering, we're all going to hit it at some point.

[00:07:31] It's what you do with it.

[00:07:33] So perhaps when I look at it, I always try to look at it kindly.

[00:07:37] The glamorizing suffering, which is not smart, is allowing us to see the first step.

[00:07:43] I'm suffering.

[00:07:45] But we don't want to get stuck in the first step.

[00:07:48] We want to ask ourselves, and then what?

[00:07:50] What's next?

[00:07:51] What comes after suffering?

[00:07:53] And by the way, the opposite of victim is not perpetrator.

[00:07:57] The opposite of victim is mastery.

[00:08:00] So how do we master our world?

[00:08:02] How do we go within, have a look at what's happened, and see the gift that's there and

[00:08:08] how we're supposed to use it?

[00:08:10] Because very often our life purpose is right there.

[00:08:14] Yeah.

[00:08:15] Yeah.

[00:08:15] Oh, I think that's so exceptional when you can look at the suffering that's happening

[00:08:22] in your life and say, what's the purpose that I'm going through all of this?

[00:08:27] You almost have to become a detective in your own life and saying, okay, why did I either attract

[00:08:33] this into my life or why am I experiencing this in my life?

[00:08:36] And what am I supposed to learn from it so that I can grow?

[00:08:40] And to me personally, with all the trauma that I've had in my life, it really has made

[00:08:45] it looking at it in that lens has made it all seem a little more worth it of going through

[00:08:50] it.

[00:08:51] And it's not just bad shit happens to good people.

[00:08:53] It's like, no, I went through this in order to become the person I am now or to learn this

[00:08:58] lesson or to grow in this way.

[00:09:00] I love that you said that.

[00:09:02] And I love that you talked about the giving it purpose, because here's the deal.

[00:09:06] Why did that come to me?

[00:09:07] It's not necessarily that you attracted it.

[00:09:09] And this is the work that I do is you don't just inherit physical DNA, you inherit emotional

[00:09:15] DNA, your patterns of thoughts, feelings, actions.

[00:09:18] Those come from many generations back.

[00:09:21] The reason it cycles down to you is because something hasn't been completed.

[00:09:26] So we're all sad.

[00:09:28] We're all sad.

[00:09:28] We're all sad.

[00:09:29] Well, okay.

[00:09:30] Can we acknowledge we've all been sad?

[00:09:33] That's it.

[00:09:34] Now, what is your purpose?

[00:09:35] Somebody actually asked me that the other day.

[00:09:37] Everybody in our family's always sad.

[00:09:39] What is my purpose?

[00:09:41] And I said to him, you've just declared your purpose right there.

[00:09:44] Your purpose is joy.

[00:09:46] Your whole system is waiting for you to take the next step.

[00:09:50] And it's our individual family systems, whether we know them or not, we're still a part of

[00:09:55] them.

[00:09:55] And they're always pushing us forward.

[00:09:57] It's our choice as to whether we choose to stay stuck or we choose to move.

[00:10:05] And yeah, in this work, it's very much detective work.

[00:10:08] It's what event happened?

[00:10:10] How did that affect the family?

[00:10:12] How did it affect the family's finances?

[00:10:14] What do they now say about money?

[00:10:16] How do we feel about money?

[00:10:18] How do we act around money?

[00:10:19] Oh, so I could.

[00:10:21] And then it's the turnaround.

[00:10:23] So you're the change agent and the big turnaround for the system and not just for your family,

[00:10:28] but for your communities.

[00:10:30] And then, of course, elevating the world.

[00:10:32] It's not far-fetched.

[00:10:34] Right, right.

[00:10:35] Oh, I think that's beautiful.

[00:10:36] Can you give people a clear definition who are unfamiliar with the term generational trauma

[00:10:42] what exactly that means?

[00:10:45] Sure.

[00:10:45] So let's say, for example, I'll give you a lovely one.

[00:10:49] A client who came in to see me and she said, I really want a good relationship, but I'm about

[00:10:54] to divorce my third husband because he's stupid.

[00:10:57] Now, bear in mind, this is at a live event and her husband's with her.

[00:11:00] And I'm like, it's going to go really well.

[00:11:03] Oh my God.

[00:11:04] Yeah.

[00:11:04] So we took, what we did was we chose a representative for her and then one for each of her husbands

[00:11:10] so we could see it.

[00:11:12] So I said to her, now tell me about your mom.

[00:11:14] Well, she had three husbands, but they were so stupid.

[00:11:17] She had to divorce them.

[00:11:18] So notice the language, right?

[00:11:20] So we put mom up and her three husbands.

[00:11:22] So I say, okay, tell me about grandma.

[00:11:24] She says, well, grandma had the ultimate stupids.

[00:11:27] She had three and she had to divorce all of those.

[00:11:29] And I'm going, okay.

[00:11:30] Oh my God.

[00:11:31] So what happened with grandma?

[00:11:33] Well, she was wealthy.

[00:11:34] She came from a wealthy background, married grandpa, and he lost all the money.

[00:11:39] So she had to divorce him.

[00:11:41] And the next one was okay.

[00:11:42] But just when they were getting there, he lost money and she divorced him.

[00:11:45] So now I know it's, they're stupid in a money matter.

[00:11:49] So I said to her, tell me about yours.

[00:11:51] Well, she said, this one's being stupid with money and this one's being stupid.

[00:11:56] This is a psychologist, by the way, who was, she's a psychologist.

[00:12:00] And she looks at me and we've got them all set up.

[00:12:02] And she says, I don't know, is there a pattern or something?

[00:12:04] And I'm like, well, wow, you can, the pattern's literally in front of you.

[00:12:09] But if you're in it, you don't see it.

[00:12:12] So I said to her, why is this one so stupid?

[00:12:15] I mean, he's here.

[00:12:15] We may as well talk about it.

[00:12:17] And she said, well, he just invests wrong.

[00:12:20] And I said, does he have money of his own?

[00:12:22] Yes.

[00:12:23] Is he independently wealthy?

[00:12:26] Yes.

[00:12:26] So could it be that he's teaching you that you could be a change agent and that all of

[00:12:31] that trauma from way back could rest and you could look at money very differently?

[00:12:36] So she looked at him and she says, maybe you can stay.

[00:12:40] Oh my God, I cannot.

[00:12:43] But that's what we do.

[00:12:45] And it's little things.

[00:12:46] It'll be little things like your mom says to you, don't trust a man or be careful of

[00:12:51] friends.

[00:12:52] And that's a result of an event.

[00:12:55] And the event creates a reaction.

[00:12:57] And the reaction creates thoughts.

[00:13:00] And the thoughts create feelings and actions.

[00:13:03] And then we tell ourselves, well, that's the truth.

[00:13:06] But it's not.

[00:13:07] It's the meaning we've made and called the truth.

[00:13:10] And you can change it anytime you want to.

[00:13:13] Which means that instead of living or reliving your ancestors' history, you're now going to

[00:13:19] be fully present and creating a very different future.

[00:13:24] So that's the generational trauma and the generational flip.

[00:13:32] It is spooky season, which means fall weather and snuggly comfy clothes.

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[00:14:41] So it's really about looking at your family's history to see what beliefs have been passed

[00:14:53] down and mirrored to you.

[00:14:56] That's one.

[00:14:57] That's one.

[00:14:58] Because don't forget, many of us don't have access to that genealogy.

[00:15:02] Right.

[00:15:02] In which case you can timeline your own life and you'll still see patterns.

[00:15:06] But there's another one that's fascinating.

[00:15:08] And that's the epigenetic piece.

[00:15:11] You don't know why you've got blonde hair until you look back in your genetic coding and

[00:15:17] you see, okay, back there was great grandmother who had that.

[00:15:20] Well, with epigenetics, it's the event.

[00:15:23] So if you have an event that is significant enough for you and you have big enough feelings

[00:15:29] and it impacts either you or your community, that creates an impact or an imprint that then

[00:15:36] either activates or deactivates genetic expression.

[00:15:39] So you can inherit it that way as well.

[00:15:43] White without knowing if you turn up when there's a bang next to you only to find out that four

[00:15:48] generations ago, somebody was killed in an explosion and nobody knew about it until you went looking.

[00:15:55] Right.

[00:15:56] Oh my God.

[00:15:57] There's so much to unpack here.

[00:15:58] So we've established that trauma can be passed down genetically.

[00:16:04] Can you inherit trauma responses from events that you haven't personally experienced yourself?

[00:16:12] That's exactly what I'm saying.

[00:16:14] There are two very good studies.

[00:16:15] One is the Great Dutch Hunger Winter, but more recently 9-11.

[00:16:19] They actually studied mothers who'd been pregnant at the time that 9-11 happened.

[00:16:24] And of course, they had elevated PTSD markers, but so did their children.

[00:16:30] Wow.

[00:16:31] Yeah.

[00:16:31] This is well studied.

[00:16:33] We now know that you can absolutely inherit trauma responses.

[00:16:36] If you look at the Holocaust, you see generations later, generations later with people around fire

[00:16:44] or being mishandled or those components, you see it echoing down and it still lives there as though

[00:16:52] we're very alive because we haven't looked at it.

[00:16:55] We haven't given it its place and we haven't literally said, now I do something different.

[00:17:02] Right.

[00:17:02] Okay.

[00:17:03] So if I'm one of those babies that was in the womb during 9-11, how walking around having these

[00:17:12] trauma responses, how do I identify that this could be an inherited trauma from a generational

[00:17:19] thing?

[00:17:20] A bunch of ways.

[00:17:21] One of the ways is if you use odd language or inflated language or diminished language.

[00:17:27] So an example of that would be a girl who I was working with who came in and said to me,

[00:17:31] oh my goodness, this is absolute chaos.

[00:17:34] It's catastrophic.

[00:17:35] I was burning up this morning and my boss just about incinerated me.

[00:17:39] And I said to her, what happened?

[00:17:41] She said, well, I was a little bit late.

[00:17:42] So I was hot and flustered.

[00:17:43] My boss wasn't pleased.

[00:17:45] And I went, wait, those two on, is there a burning incineration or something in your

[00:17:51] situation?

[00:17:52] No.

[00:17:54] Oh yes.

[00:17:54] My mother and I outran a volcano.

[00:17:57] My brother and father did not.

[00:17:59] So you want to pay attention to those words because they live, they're telling you what lives

[00:18:05] in your system.

[00:18:07] So that's one way that you identify them.

[00:18:09] The second way to identify them is when you are really, really annoyed by something.

[00:18:15] Can't get the relationships right.

[00:18:17] Can't get the money right.

[00:18:18] Can't get the promotion right.

[00:18:20] Go looking to see who else in the family may have had that similar pattern that quite

[00:18:26] unconsciously you're loyal to.

[00:18:28] It's totally unconscious.

[00:18:30] You're loyal to it.

[00:18:31] And then a third way is to write down your thoughts, feelings, actions around a particular

[00:18:36] subject.

[00:18:37] And then ask yourself, when did that start happening for me?

[00:18:41] What was happening in my life at the time?

[00:18:44] What did I make it mean about me?

[00:18:47] What did I make it mean about others?

[00:18:49] Are there any others in my family system or any other influential ones who had a similar

[00:18:55] pattern?

[00:18:56] Because that will tell you if the answer is no, you may be the one beginning it.

[00:19:00] But if the answer is yes, then the joy of that is you get to say, I see you.

[00:19:05] I know why you're here now.

[00:19:07] You're trying to get closure and you're wanting a place.

[00:19:10] I'll give you a place here, but you really can't invade my life.

[00:19:14] Now I'm going to do something different.

[00:19:16] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:19:18] Okay.

[00:19:19] So once we've identified that we have a generational trauma, how do we go about freeing ourselves

[00:19:27] from that?

[00:19:29] A number of ways.

[00:19:30] One is read the book seriously because it's got all the exercises that you could want to

[00:19:34] need.

[00:19:35] Number two is at a live event, it happens pretty quickly.

[00:19:39] And then number three would be to actually look at it and then choose.

[00:19:44] Do I want to repeat this or do I want to start changing it?

[00:19:49] And if you do, it's not this huge thing.

[00:19:52] It's literally one new thought, one new feeling, one new action.

[00:19:57] That's it.

[00:19:58] One at a time.

[00:19:59] But the magic with that is the brain's got to tell the body a story that the body believes.

[00:20:06] So you can say, I'm going to be a millionaire.

[00:20:08] And the body goes, it's not happening.

[00:20:14] But when you go, I'm going to be a millionaire and your gut goes, this is exciting.

[00:20:18] Okay.

[00:20:19] She's waking up.

[00:20:20] What's going on?

[00:20:20] And the heart's open and that's when the brain switches on and goes, okay, let's go

[00:20:25] looking for the opportunity.

[00:20:27] So literally when the heart opens, the brain can light up and start looking for the opportunities

[00:20:32] and the gut, instead of squinching, goes, oh, I can be your inner compass.

[00:20:37] Watch this.

[00:20:38] This is what I was meant to do.

[00:20:39] And off you go.

[00:20:41] Right.

[00:20:41] I think people a lot of times underestimate the power of choice.

[00:20:47] They'll go into that, like we were talking about earlier, that victimhood of, well, this

[00:20:51] happened to me.

[00:20:51] I don't have a choice.

[00:20:52] One of the biggest lessons that I've learned in my life is that you always have a choice.

[00:20:57] They might not be the choices that you want or seem like they've been presented on a silver

[00:21:01] platter, but you always have a choice, even if it's that, if it's down to how you choose

[00:21:07] to feel around the situation or how you choose to react to the situation, there's always

[00:21:11] a choice.

[00:21:12] So I love what you said about that, that that's one of the biggest things you can do to begin

[00:21:18] to heal this generational trauma is to choose, to recognize it and to choose that you want

[00:21:22] to.

[00:21:23] Absolutely.

[00:21:24] To choose.

[00:21:24] And you know, the other thing that for me is super important, Gabrielle, is choose and

[00:21:29] keep stretching.

[00:21:30] Choose your mini steps until you start to build that winner effect a little bit, but then choose

[00:21:35] to stretch.

[00:21:36] Because I don't know about you, but I know for me, I've discovered that I'm far bigger

[00:21:41] than I suppose I am, which means that I've got a bigger responsibility than I supposed

[00:21:46] I had.

[00:21:48] But it's a great adventure.

[00:21:50] And why not give yourself the adventure?

[00:21:53] The adventure into victimhood is a little bit of that.

[00:21:57] It can get a little airy fairy and a little awe and ethereal.

[00:22:01] But the adventure into really achieving and doing.

[00:22:06] Gosh, if you've experienced it once, you're not about to go back to the other one.

[00:22:10] That's right.

[00:22:11] I can attest to that.

[00:22:13] Okay.

[00:22:14] I want to circle back to, we were talking about glamorizing suffering.

[00:22:18] Why do you think it is that people find validation in their trauma?

[00:22:25] I think it's because it lets them know this happened.

[00:22:29] Other people are seeing it and agreeing with it.

[00:22:33] Now I don't feel like it's all my fault.

[00:22:37] I think what we miss is that trauma, when it happens, we were back to choice a little

[00:22:43] bit.

[00:22:43] But trauma, when it happens, can either kill you or elevate you or diminish you or elevate

[00:22:50] you.

[00:22:50] And I think we miss, yes, it's good to be validated and to maybe even be able to cry

[00:22:57] it out and really look at it and acknowledge it when you've been hiding it.

[00:23:02] That's a really good step.

[00:23:05] But after that, it's the then one.

[00:23:07] Because if you've been through something, I like to look at it a little bit as a rite of

[00:23:12] passage.

[00:23:13] You've been through the fire.

[00:23:14] Goodness, if you've been through the fire, then do something with what's come up the

[00:23:18] other side.

[00:23:19] Don't just say, I suffered.

[00:23:21] And to your point about, well, it's happened to me.

[00:23:25] Yes, it has.

[00:23:26] And your choices, I've said to people, they say, well, I've been raped.

[00:23:30] I've been molested.

[00:23:31] This is terrible.

[00:23:33] And I said to them, stop.

[00:23:35] Have you ever thanked yourself for surviving?

[00:23:39] That's number one step.

[00:23:41] And now that you have, do you understand that you're pretty darn strong?

[00:23:44] Somebody said to me, yes, but I didn't resist.

[00:23:46] I said you could have been killed.

[00:23:48] Did you thank yourself for doing in the moment, for making a choice that was really hard, but

[00:23:54] allowed you to survive?

[00:23:56] So where do you learn to thank yourself for your choices?

[00:24:00] And you're going to start recognizing that when you do that, you're a really worthwhile

[00:24:05] human being.

[00:24:07] And you've got a lot going for you.

[00:24:09] But for goodness sake, if you want to glamorize something, glamorize your eyes, not your fault.

[00:24:13] And I think that the flip side of that, because that's such a good point, is thanking yourself

[00:24:26] for making those decisions and surviving.

[00:24:29] If there is a situation that someone's looking at in their own life where they're not proud

[00:24:34] of the decisions they made, then giving yourself compassion and forgiveness around those times

[00:24:39] where you didn't necessarily make the right choice that you wanted to.

[00:24:44] I think there's another piece to that, though, because and I see this sometimes with women

[00:24:49] who've either had abortions or they've been miscarriages and they blame themselves.

[00:24:53] And I always say to them, you know what?

[00:24:54] Guilt is great, but it keeps you locked down.

[00:24:58] And it doesn't allow that child that didn't make it its place or you yours.

[00:25:02] Instead of doing that, what can I do with this?

[00:25:06] Right.

[00:25:06] How can I grow from this?

[00:25:08] One of my favorite things to do if somebody has lost a child who's very young is to say

[00:25:14] to them, instead of grieving that child all the time, give them a legacy.

[00:25:20] When it comes to Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever it is, go out and get a gift for a

[00:25:25] child who otherwise would not get one and give your child a legacy.

[00:25:30] Don't use it to suffer because you've doubled your misfortune.

[00:25:34] Give that child and yourself a legacy.

[00:25:36] And yeah, I'm right with you.

[00:25:38] Give yourself some grace.

[00:25:40] Yeah.

[00:25:42] Yeah.

[00:25:43] I think that's one of the pieces that we forget or that gets blurred most time because

[00:25:48] there's a difference of giving yourself grace and compassion and time to grieve versus staying

[00:25:54] trapped in that guilt and that victimhood.

[00:25:57] Absolutely.

[00:25:57] Yes.

[00:25:58] Yeah.

[00:25:58] I always say this.

[00:26:00] Go have a pity party to take as long as it needs, except it can't be longer than about

[00:26:04] a week or two weeks or three.

[00:26:07] Or turn it into a soap opera.

[00:26:10] So here's, I know people will say it takes as long as it takes.

[00:26:14] In systemic work, we talk about if you grieve open-eyed and fully, in other words, you completely

[00:26:19] go into the grief.

[00:26:21] It allows it to cycle through you and move through you and move out.

[00:26:26] If you don't, you prolong it and eventually you go into what we call secondary grief.

[00:26:32] Now it's more about the story than it is about what actually happened.

[00:26:37] And now you latch onto the story and it steers and it ferments and it's not useful.

[00:26:43] Hmm.

[00:26:44] That's a really interesting way of looking at it.

[00:26:47] I've never heard that before.

[00:26:48] Yeah.

[00:26:50] Interesting.

[00:26:51] Do you think that we, there's something in our genetics and as a human race that programs

[00:26:58] us to automatically go to negative thinking?

[00:27:01] I think what's happened is if we look at culture, if we look at religion, if we look at ethnicity,

[00:27:07] we've gotten into a place where we are raised to believe it.

[00:27:11] I don't think that we are, I think we've been programmed to believe it.

[00:27:16] You're small, you're stupid, you're sinful.

[00:27:18] You were born in sin.

[00:27:19] You can live in sin.

[00:27:21] You should try to die nicely.

[00:27:22] Then you'll get seat L34 at the top.

[00:27:25] Not true.

[00:27:26] For me, it's a question of that's what we've been taught.

[00:27:29] There is another side of the coin.

[00:27:31] You're amazing.

[00:27:32] You're capable.

[00:27:33] You are not limited.

[00:27:35] The more thoughts that you put in there that are positive and it's not polyamoring it,

[00:27:40] it's possibility thinking it, which by the way is even if you want an ice cream, you first

[00:27:45] have to think of the possibility.

[00:27:47] So the more that you're doing that, the more you're plugging into it, the more you're going

[00:27:52] to start switching that library around.

[00:27:55] And we've just got a library that we've gotten used to.

[00:27:59] Then we look at people like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Walt Disney, George Lucas, any of those.

[00:28:09] They decided that wasn't okay for them.

[00:28:12] They stopped that talk and they went, what's possible?

[00:28:15] And the minute we start asking ourselves what's possible or what more is possible or what's

[00:28:21] possible here, we move out of that limited thinking and you'll feel it.

[00:28:26] When you look at something, you go, yeah, but I wonder what more is possible.

[00:28:30] You'll get that little grin inside and a little tickle in your tummy and your heart kind of

[00:28:35] does a thing and your brain goes, hmm.

[00:28:38] And that's how we then get to things like ever male talk.

[00:28:41] That's what you did.

[00:28:42] You sat down and went, what if I could do this?

[00:28:45] And your brain went, that's exciting.

[00:28:47] And your heart went, ooh.

[00:28:49] And your gut went, let's do it.

[00:28:51] That's where you want to keep yourself.

[00:28:53] Right.

[00:28:53] And if doing that, you want to keep expanding your goals because the other pitfall is people

[00:28:59] think I'm going to go for the goal.

[00:29:00] Then they get the goal and they go, well, I've done it.

[00:29:02] And then they fall off the wagon.

[00:29:05] Life is a never ending series of goals.

[00:29:07] People make the first one happen.

[00:29:10] Add the next one in, add the next one in.

[00:29:12] Your adventure is only as small as you make it.

[00:29:16] Oh, I love that.

[00:29:17] Your adventure is only as small as you make it.

[00:29:21] What a great quote.

[00:29:22] Oh, I love that.

[00:29:23] Do you think the stuff we've been talking about is a generational issue or do you think

[00:29:28] it's the younger generations that are kind of responsible for romanticizing the suffering?

[00:29:34] I think it's an all of us issue at the moment, but I do want to say something about the younger

[00:29:39] generation.

[00:29:40] Yes, they romanticize it.

[00:29:42] I mean, I think we all have.

[00:29:43] It's always been that swooning heroine and all of that kind of yin, yin, yin, yin, because

[00:29:48] we haven't gone the other way.

[00:29:49] But if I look at the younger generation, if you think, I think after the Second World War,

[00:29:56] they had the greatest generation.

[00:29:59] And the younger generation with everything that they've got around them now has that

[00:30:03] same potential.

[00:30:05] And that's why I think I'm passionate about turning off the victim.

[00:30:09] They've got all the potential they need to go and create something incredible.

[00:30:13] Incredible.

[00:30:14] But then we've got to stop the victimhood.

[00:30:16] We've got to stop the ways we are different.

[00:30:18] We've got to start collaborating and looking at what's possible and really going for it

[00:30:23] and making big, enormous, wonderful things.

[00:30:26] Not small, miserable, limited, evolving stuff.

[00:30:31] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:30:32] And this will be an interesting conversation to have.

[00:30:35] How do you think social media has played into all of this and made romanticizing the trauma

[00:30:42] and staying in your victimhood worse?

[00:30:45] I think that made it more accessible to see.

[00:30:48] Here's where I'm going to flip it slightly on you.

[00:30:51] Here's where I think social media is missing their opportunity.

[00:30:55] If they start to flip the switch, if social media starts to flip the switch and we get people

[00:31:01] who are starting to talk about what's possible, can you imagine the impact?

[00:31:06] Right, right.

[00:31:07] And so, yeah, we're here, but imagine the impact.

[00:31:11] Well, it's kind of like, you know, looking at, as weird as a comparison as this is,

[00:31:17] looking at social media as the collective consciousness.

[00:31:20] Like if we could flip the dial from people putting out negativity and romanticizing the trauma

[00:31:27] and staying in the victimhood to the positivity and the good stuff, like if we could flip that dial,

[00:31:34] then it would start to pull more people into that space and like raise the collective consciousness.

[00:31:40] A hundred percent.

[00:31:41] If we could only do that on social media.

[00:31:43] We could, we could.

[00:31:45] And here are the hows.

[00:31:47] Seriously, things like read the book, come to the events, but read the book, make it like a

[00:31:53] grassroots thing.

[00:31:53] Read the books that elevate you, not the books that romanticize.

[00:31:57] What do we want to put into our, our jars?

[00:32:01] I think if once you start people thinking about the possibilities and the Gabrielles of this world

[00:32:07] and all of those start to look at social media and go, here's the next trend.

[00:32:11] The next trend is we're swinging this so positively that we're about to change the world.

[00:32:17] Oh yes, you will change the world.

[00:32:19] Right.

[00:32:20] Right.

[00:32:20] Making it a choice within yourself and then allowing everybody else to follow suit.

[00:32:24] I think that's the new trend.

[00:32:26] I really do.

[00:32:27] I think it's waiting to happen through social media.

[00:32:31] Oh, I hope so.

[00:32:32] Like let's give social media some purpose.

[00:32:35] Social media, you know, social media reminds me of money.

[00:32:40] It's both of them are given very bad raps.

[00:32:43] Because we often use them in very inappropriate ways.

[00:32:46] But imagine if we all start trending towards speaking about social media as this incredible

[00:32:52] platform for expanding good and for showing potential and for doing the big things.

[00:32:59] When last did we have somebody say, you know what, I'm going to build a theme park bigger

[00:33:04] than Disney.

[00:33:05] I'm going to do the next big thing.

[00:33:07] I'm going to, I'm going to have people love my book so much that there are 5 million copies

[00:33:13] sold in a week.

[00:33:14] When last did we start putting out the big challenges?

[00:33:17] Yeah.

[00:33:18] And that's what social media is asking for.

[00:33:20] Can you love me instead of demonizing me, please?

[00:33:24] Right.

[00:33:25] Oh, it's so interesting.

[00:33:27] Judy, this has been so eye-opening and wonderful.

[00:33:30] Can you please tell everyone where they can get the book if they're interested in attending

[00:33:34] the live events and where they can find you to keep up with all your stuff?

[00:33:38] Absolutely.

[00:33:38] So the book will be Barnes and Nobles, Amazon, all of your good bookstores.

[00:33:42] They've all got them.

[00:33:44] They're a Goodreads must read.

[00:33:46] So you can get it through Goodreads, I'm guessing.

[00:33:48] Live events.

[00:33:49] I'm actually doing a very interesting one.

[00:33:51] I'm doing Money DNA at Disney World, November 5th through the 8th.

[00:33:55] And that's a 4k inversion.

[00:33:57] Oh yeah, it's fun.

[00:33:59] And then I've also got meditations on my website.

[00:34:04] Meditation of the Father and Mother, which takes you all the way back through the generations

[00:34:09] and then brings you all the way into your own space.

[00:34:12] Oh wow.

[00:34:12] And those are on judywilkins-smith.com.

[00:34:16] And you can find me on Spotify, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube.

[00:34:21] Yeah.

[00:34:21] All the places.

[00:34:23] Oh, I hope everyone goes and checks out those meditations because I'm sure those are incredibly

[00:34:27] powerful.

[00:34:28] Thank you.

[00:34:29] Thank you so much for being here.

[00:34:31] I so appreciate it.

[00:34:31] I so had fun today.

[00:34:34] Oh good, I'm so glad.

[00:34:39] I want to thank Judy so much for coming on and sharing all of that incredible wisdom

[00:34:44] and gifts with us.

[00:34:46] If any of this episode resonated with you guys, please go onto her website and do those meditations

[00:34:51] that she offers because if you were like, oop, yep, that's me.

[00:34:56] I've got some bullshit that's been passed down from my fucking family.

[00:34:59] These are going to be incredible exercises for you to go be able to dive into like right

[00:35:06] now and do.

[00:35:07] I know a lot of times when we talk about things that have happened to us and traumas and not

[00:35:14] being a victim to them.

[00:35:16] Sometimes people can get triggered and be like, okay, I'm not being a victim.

[00:35:20] This is something that happened to me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[00:35:23] So I want to say to you, if you were triggered at all by this episode, I am sending you love.

[00:35:29] I am putting my arms around you and virtually hugging you and reminding you that I am speaking

[00:35:35] about it coming from a similar place, coming from a trauma past that I have had to step out

[00:35:43] of the victim mentality and into the why did this serve me and how is it going to push me forward?

[00:35:49] And it is totally okay if you are not there yet, but I can promise you it is so fucking

[00:35:56] worth it once you are on the other side.

[00:35:58] I hope this episode gave you some good insights into yourself, into your soul today.

[00:36:04] I love you all so much.

[00:36:05] I will see you next week.

[00:36:11] All right, FMLers.

[00:36:12] If you don't want to miss an episode, make sure to follow on your favorite podcast app.

[00:36:17] And if you're loving the show, drop us a five-star rating and leave a review.

[00:36:21] You can keep up with me on Instagram at Gabrielle Stone or the podcast page at FML Talk Podcast.

[00:36:28] For all the merch and books signed personally by me, you can shop the FML line on eatpreyfml.com.

[00:36:36] And as always, have a fucking self-love cocktail on me.

[00:36:40] Cheers.

[00:36:47] This podcast has been brought to you by Podcast Nation.

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