The Roast of Tom Cruise

[00:00:12] I'm gonna just fire these rapidly, but hey, so a roast is only fair if we do someone who's both popular, controversial, beloved, hated, infamous, stupid, and weird. All these factors are definitely weird. Keep in the closet. Just ask R. Kelly. And I took out my gun. I took out my gun! We're gonna make Trey Parker and Matt Stone weep with laughter.

[00:00:41] We are tackling none other than Mr. Tom Cruise. Who made the running man a running gag. Yes. There will be plenty of height and running jokes among many others. Welcoming back, we have Mike, Oreo, Gil, James, and Tom joining Cam here in the studio. Yo! Let's get ready to rust. What's up, yo? What it is. What it is.

[00:01:08] As they say in my neighborhood, word. Word on the street is, Mr. Cruise, you suck. Don't believe us? You'll find plenty of proof in these roasts. So, whoever wants to begin, I can let you start, or I can get as ready. Oh, God. I can go. Okay. Go, JJ. No. No, no, I'll go.

[00:01:36] So, for a man who does his own stunts, Mr. Cruise sure does drag ass running away from such easily avoidable explosions. True. Every time Tom yells, show me the money, he sounds like a desperate male stripper. The job is to tease, not to beg, Mr. Cruise. That's why Nicole took 21 million out of his acts. Oh! There are so many Toms who are way better.

[00:02:06] Why would I want Mr. Cruise to save me when he can't even save himself? Oh. The only awesome Tom name actor starring in Far and Away is Mr. Thomas Gibson, when he blasts Mr. Cruise the fuck off his horse in that movie. My favorite Tom Cruise role is his uncredited role as a cowboy who gets shot off his horse in Young Guns. Are you seeing a trend here yet? He was in Young Guns? As an uncredited stuntman, yeah. So, Tom Cruise sucks.

[00:02:35] He failed to save all the samurai. Yeah, that's true. Not even David Carradine would tolerate such incompetence, young grasshopper. Well, he just wanted to be the last samurai. Oh, well, he did a good job. Tom? He's not even a samurai. He's a ronin. Tom Cruise is quite impotent for any man. There's no way he slept with all three of those beautiful wives of his. Not even his kids have any resemblance, let alone anything to do with them. Who's the third? Mimi Rogers.

[00:03:03] No, because Mimi Rogers was the first man in Katie Holmes. Yeah, I know about Nicole and Katie. I didn't know he was a third. The irony is Mimi Rogers got him into Scientology, but she left first. Ah. Tom Cruise is proof that Hollywood has bad taste in leading men, as this superstar is just one walking joke who looks like a creep and awkwardly laughs at inappropriate times. At least Keanu Reeves can do his own stunts and be a likable guy. True.

[00:03:33] If Tom Cruise is a real man, a man's man, even a so-called ladies' man, why do all his marriages fail? Why do all his recent movies suck? And why can't he leave a fake religion? He's trapped in a closet. Ah, yes. The Top Gun movies need more propaganda than what the military's asking for. Mr. Cruise, when will you instruct your followers to fake fight like you do in your stupid movies?

[00:04:02] Some of Tom Cruise's best movies are the ones in which he dies. Seeing a trend here again? Try outrunning the Grim Reaper, Tom. Mr. Cruise looks like an actual vampire every day with that wrinkly skin and weird teeth of his. Perhaps that Anne Rice film was a documentary? I liked Minority Report when it was called The Fugitive. I liked Mission Impossible when it was called Die Hard.

[00:04:31] And I liked Top Gun when Tarantino pointed out what a fucking gay movie it was. It really was a gay movie. Oh, he wanted to bed, Goose. Anyway. Alex Jones. He became a doctor, so why not? He became a great doctor. I'll go. I'll go. You got it. You got this. I gotta say this about Top Gun.

[00:04:56] If you watch Top Gun, you are legally married in the state of Massachusetts. Massive's United. If you watch Top Gun, instead of popcorn, they give you a side of cock. I gotta blame Top Gun for actually ruining my first big crush. I was in love with this girl, Jen Weintraub. And my father said, I'll take you to the movies.

[00:05:26] You can see Top Gun. And my father sat there with me and Jen in the freaking theater. And, you know, I just fucking hate that movie, Top Gun. It's just a piece of shit. If I want to watch a movie about fighter pilots, I'll watch, like, you know, Flying Tigers or, you know, 12 O'Clock High or something like this. Or Disney's planes. Yeah. I want to, you know, I'll watch Soul Plane before I rewatch Top Gun. Yeah. They made Top Gun 2.

[00:05:55] And I was like, oh, so basically you've taken a shit on my life and now you're going to take another shit on my life while that shit is still on my life? Thank you very much. This movie ruins lives and now we've seen it firsthand. And I gotta say this. I gotta say this. You know, if it came down to a point. I love how he plays a pilot in Top Gun, but John Travolta is really a pilot. So, like, if Tom Cruise and John Travolta are on a plane, who sucks who off first?

[00:06:25] It's Nicolas Cage. Yeah, Nicolas Cage. Instead of face-off, it would be wipe-off. Oh! And we still gotta get past come-off. Anyway. Oh, God. I gotta say, for a guy who has all the right moves, Tom, you do not have all the right anything. I mean, Jesus, you ruined Mission Impossible for me because you made freaking Jim Phelps the bad guy, which is the cardinal sin among us guys who watched Mission Impossible. Indeed.

[00:06:54] And trust me, with you and Nicole Kidman, it should have been Mission Impossible, not Mission Impossible. He thought it was Missionary Impossible. Yeah, Missionary Impossible. He's impotent. And I mean, you get to fuck Mimi Rogers? I mean, Jesus Christ. That woman has... Dude, I would not have left the house if I was married to Mimi Rogers. Everybody loves Mimi Rogers. She's got a rat. I don't. She's got a balcony you could do Shakespeare off of, all right? You know.

[00:07:23] She was denied an Emmy on that great show, Bosh. She's killing it as a DA gal. And then, well, then, here's how it goes. So for me, like, he works with Ridley Scott. He does Top Gun. But nobody realizes he does a movie called Legend. Oh, Tony Scott. Tony Scott. Whoever the fuck it will. I don't give a shit. The other Scott. I think the star of that was Tim Curry. Yeah. Tim Curry was the star of that movie.

[00:07:48] You were about as effective as a knight, as being this, you know, hero who comes from a medieval land. Like, you were about as effective as John Wayne playing Genghis Khan in the Conqueror. I like Genghis Khan in the Conqueror. Yeah. You know, I mean, you know, I just wish they would have filmed the movie where they filmed The Conqueror so you would have spared us of all these fucking movies you do. It's a shame they didn't film it in the same place where John Wayne got radiation poisoning.

[00:08:17] Could you do us a favor and go there? I mean, you know, here's what gets me. Like, you know, like, like I have watched, you know, the only movie I really like of his is Born on the Fourth of July. That's the only one I like. That's a good one. Because, you know. Not Edge of Tomorrow? It's a good movie, but it's not a good Tom Cruise performance. Well, I mean, the thing that gets me, though, is like, I gotta say this, like, like, when I was a kid growing up, like, you know, we'd watch Risky Business.

[00:08:45] And I mean, you know, who did not want to be Tom Cruise in that movie? But then I just started thinking, well, I'll never get Rebecca DeMornay. So, you know, forget it. Before she became a killer nanny. Yeah. Rebecca DeMornay, or as we used to say, Rebecca DeHornay. Oh. You know. Although he was great in the movie Losing It. If you've ever seen the movie Losing It, it's a great movie to watch. That was Shelley. Yep, Shelley Long. Shelley's a great movie to watch.

[00:09:14] Future director of LA Conventual. Curtis Hitz. Yep. Rest in peace. But I think losing it is a perfect example of what happened to Mr. Cruise. Yeah. Yeah, he was losing it in the movie, and then he really lost it when he met Katie Holmes. Oh. Yeah. Can I just say one thing? I mean, if you put Tom Cruise in a gorilla in a Samsonite commercial, who's going to do the better testing of the luggage? Who's going to go A?

[00:09:42] Well, so I'm going to turn it over to the only awesome Tom here today, and that is Mr. Lindemann. All righty. Now, let me just get this out of the way first. I will have a lot of short jokes. As a matter of fact, I counted them up, and the list of short jokes I have regarding Tom Cruise is taller than he is. Tom Cruise is so short, he makes Simone Biles look like Shaq.

[00:10:11] Tom Cruise is so short, he could have been a hobbit in The Lord of the Rings without CGI. Yep. And a few other things here. Really, look to his IMDB page looking for his filmography. I had a question. Was that a filmography or a concession? It was a coup. One of the movies that popped out in him was that he starred in Valkyrie, where he played a Nazi. He was like Stephen Miller washing hot water. Oh!

[00:10:43] Yeah, and to be completely fair, his breakout role was in a movie called Risky Business. His famous scene of him dancing around in his briefs, predating Bill Clinton by about a decade. Oh. Yeah, he also starred, as we mentioned, in the Mission Impossible movies. The Impossible Mission making him look taller than he actually is. Yep. No. That is true. And while we're on the subject, at this point,

[00:11:11] Mission Impossible and the Fast and Furious movies are in competition for the most pointless sequels to keep a dead franchise going. Yes, they are. At this point, the script directors are also going to be necromancers. Huh. Yeah, but we also mentioned, let me also mention another one of his, Minority Report. That wasn't named the title. That was the number of people actually watched and liked the movie. Oh! Blam. Yeah, at the end, if Tom Cruise didn't go into acting, he would have been a,

[00:11:40] or he could have been a cook, a really short order cook. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Yep, let me put it this way. Eyes Wide Shut, he was starring in that. It was Stanley Kubrick's Ellis D-Fueled Fever Dream. Not the worst decision he made, though. That would have been Legend. Oh! And when it comes to his career, at least he made almost all the ratings. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! He also starred in Rock of Ages, where he pretended to be a rock star. So basically,

[00:12:10] Garth Brooks without the talent. Ha ha ha! I was still waiting for that second album from Chris Gaines. I'm just putting it out there. There you go. Ha ha ha ha! I got that joke. Ha ha ha! I got that joke. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! That's great, Tom. He's also starred in a remake of War of the Worlds. Halfway through, I was rooting for the Martians. Ha ha ha! To paraphrase Jeff Wayne, the chances of anything resembling acting from Cruise are a million to one. Ha ha ha ha!

[00:12:40] Chris Gaines. Ha ha ha! I spite it. And in going forward, I think Hollywood needs to institute a new rule. They have to have a sign outside the studio that says, you must be this tall to be starring in the movie. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! And lastly, we did mention all the great women he married. Actually, I don't know about another joke about that, but that's beside the point. But the point is that he kept pulling down great ladies. He was luckier than Hartford Biden at a meth lab

[00:13:09] offering free samples. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Maybe it's just me, but I don't trust a religion in Korea by a hack sci-fi writer. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! True! It is true! That's me, and be glad you're not me. And we'll be, I'll be expecting the lawsuits to be coming anytime now. Ha ha ha! I'm dissed by other guy named Tom. Ha ha ha! I think the reason why you didn't want to be in Battlefield Earth

[00:13:39] is because, you know, there's only so much you can do to go up on somebody, you know, to get a part of that movie. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! That's so true. Ah, so, I have a few more and I'll then hand it to Mike. Uh, that, but man, that, this is gonna be some tough competition because, okay, so, Alex Jones, fuck him, by the way, thinks all the frogs are turning us gay. I beg to differ with how many grown men are salivating over

[00:14:08] shirtless Tom fighting people on screen. Ha ha ha! He's a whole domain to playing with the boys, if you know what it is. Ah, he is totally, he is for the boys. Tom Cruise is real life Wolverine. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! And that's why no one wants to be that version of Wolverine. Why is every other Brat Pack member so much more likable than Tom? Is it because he didn't have a stupid nickname? It was the loudest greaser in The Outsiders? Go. They call it

[00:14:38] The Outsiders and supposedly in Tom Cruise's case it's the Out of the Closet Siders. Hey, JJ, as to your earlier talk about Top Gun, isn't that kind of what everybody in the movie wanted to call their dicks? Yeah. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha! There you go. That's for the rapists. Oh, dear. Like tits now! Well, I don't know the difference between a rapist and Tom Cruise. Anyway, so,

[00:15:08] on screen, Tom Cruise has been shot by the National Guard, executed by the Gestapo, blown up by aliens, killed himself, and even been shot by Jamie Fox. That's just fucking sad. When did he kill himself? You saw Oblivion. He blew up a bunch of guns of himself. Oh, yeah. I forgot. I remember Oblivion. I couldn't remember the plot for that. Well, that was one where he died and he could come back. Oh, well, you're thinking about you tomorrow, but that's another one.

[00:15:38] Yeah, but that's where he gets blown up. A bunch of them get blown up by aliens, but, I mean, he has terrible foes to go against. I'm sorry. That's just really shitty. Why wasn't the Mummy remake a documentary as Tom looks so undead every pressing day? It's decent, but it could have been so much more. It's decently bad. Anyway, so Tom Cruise once accidentally slapped Ralph Macchio during rehearsals for The Outsiders.

[00:16:07] How many times do we have to remind him that he's not a real karate kid? For real. He doesn't meet the height requirement. Oh! For a man who once told everyone to respect the cock, he sure is shy about showing it, but that's okay, as all those red-blooded Americans are already gay for Tommy. That's why they ever read that. Oh! There were a few good men, but Tom wasn't one of them. He's a tool in real life. Oof.

[00:16:37] Ben Stiller once said he totally forgot Tom Cruise was in Tropic Thunder as he was so unrecognizable. The irony is Tom doesn't know he's in anything, let alone if he's actually any good. No stuntman wants to be like Tom Cruise. Hell, not even a stunt cock wants to make him look good. Stunt cock! Stunt cock! I respect the cock! Tom Cruise jumps around and runs up buildings like he's a superhero. Batman called, and even he knows you're doing it wrong.

[00:17:08] Eh! When Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kiefer Sutherland, or Keanu Reeves disarm a bomb on my TV, I love what I see on screen. When Tom Cruise fights bad guys while running and disarming a bomb, I want to go home and rethink my life. When Tom Cruise sees his reflection in the mirror, it's like staring into the deep bowels of hell. Tom Cruise was originally considered to play Iron Man.

[00:17:37] That would have been a terrible decision as no one can run in that thick a suit. The humor for Tony Stark that worked in it, and he wouldn't have been very good at that. No, he wouldn't. I mean, he has the look and the ego for it, but not like suit. No, fuck that. Nope. Rumor has it Tom Cruise runs out of a theater if it's playing a bad movie. Good thing he hasn't seen his latest flop. Lance Armstrong wishes he was Tom Cruise.

[00:18:07] At least he killed his career while he was ahead. Nah. I got that one. What kind of fucking hero's name is Ethan Hunt? Hunt's ketchup called and they wish Mission Impossible had more in-movie endorsements. Who's his name would have been Mike Hunt? Terrible name. Terrible name. Al Pacino, Liam Neeson, Jackie Chan, Harrison Ford, and Tom Hanks' brother run really awesomely.

[00:18:37] Tom Cruise runs around like a fucking fool. Tom doesn't need to try being like his Scientology buddy John Travolta. He already sucks hard. What? Hey-o! Tom Cruise might have stopped doing Mission Impossible movies, but it's impossible to get him the fuck off my movie screen. He's like an uninvited party guest who can't take a hint. That's it, Boston, Dallas, everybody. I'm the fuck out of here.

[00:19:07] Mike, you are next up in the interrogation chair. I'm going to keep mine really short. Shorter than Tom Cruise? Hey-o! After this line delivered from the Outsiders, why does he have a career? So, Pony Boy, what's it like being a hero? Oh my god. That should have ended it right there. Yes, that should have been do not re-endorse, do not sign on to William Morris Agency. Do not resuscitate.

[00:19:37] Do not resuscitate. That's what we should have told Goose. Do not resuscitate. They haven't all the plot holes in the Mission Impossible movies, but there you go. More than Marvel? Oh! Oh, man. And how come those airplanes in those movies always have places for him to hold on to? Plot-induced stupidity to quote gamers. Anyway, that's about it for that. That's it. Gil, do you have any?

[00:20:07] I've got quite a bit, so hopefully you guys won't get too bored. We're getting short with Mr. Tom Cruise. All right. I got a statement before I start reading the stuff. Vern Joyer's taller than Tom Cruise. Well, I actually feel bad about talking about his height because I'm only an inch or two taller than he is. Yeah, but you're awesome. So there's the difference. And you have a 10-inch dick, so you beat him by a mile. Yeah! How did you know? asking for a friend. TMI.

[00:20:38] Jesus. Ladies, you knew how to hit him up. Tom Cruise wants you to believe he's still Top Gun, but at this point, it's more risky business mixed with Days of Thunder Denial. He keeps insisting every movie is Mission Impossible when really the impossible part is convincing us he's a normal human and not an interview with a vampire who learned to sprint. Perfect. Perfect. He stares at the world like it's eyes wide shut, runs from criticism like it's the firm,

[00:21:08] and treats aging like it's the war of the worlds. Oh, yeah. Somewhere between Jerry Maguire demanding we show him the money and oblivion setting in, Tom Cruise decided gravity, time, and humility were all optional. Okay. Tom Cruise has 90% confidence, 10% hair product, and 0% self-reflection. And the antithesis of Leonardo DiCaprio.

[00:21:39] Tom Cruise insists on doing all his own stunts because no one else is willing to jump that far from reality. Oh! Oh my God. Tom Cruise doesn't age, he just keeps rebooting himself like a malfunctioning action figure. every Mission Impossible movie answers the same question, what if denial could sprint? Tom Cruise has played pilots, spies, and soldiers, yet somehow still looks like he's auditioning

[00:22:08] to be taken seriously. Tom Cruise smiles like someone who just told you a secret and legally can't explain it. At this point, Tom Cruise isn't fighting villains, he's fighting the concept of stepping aside. Tom Cruise is living proof that intensity is not the same thing as depth.

[00:22:38] If ego burned calories, Tom Cruise wouldn't need to run in every movie. Let's see, and some short jokes. Tom Cruise isn't short, he's just permanently in the pre-credits crawl. Tom Cruise has climbed mountains but still needs lifts to reach adulthood. Tom Cruise's height

[00:23:08] is why every co-star suddenly has a bad back in wide shots. Tom Cruise doesn't walk into a room, the room adjusts to him. Oh my God! Tom Cruise is why Hollywood invented platform shoes, camera tricks, and lies. True. Tom Cruise runs in movies so no one can measure him.

[00:23:38] Tom Cruise isn't 5'7", that's his IMDB optimism. Tom Cruise's biggest illusion isn't Scientology, it's perspective. Tom Cruise stands on principles the same way he stands on boxes. Jesus Christ. Tom Cruise is living proof

[00:24:07] that ego can be taller than the body. Yes. Man! I think you demolished the building then you built it back up again just so you could explode it again. Man! Oh! The fireworks reminds me, I have another short joke for Tom Cruise. Oh, perfect. The only way to make Tom Cruise look life-size in any movie is to shoot it in IMAX. Oh!

[00:24:37] Burn Troyer and Tony Cox are taller than Tom Cruise. True. Well, I mean, I read it as 5'7". So I'm 5'8'' or 5'9'' somewhere around there. Yeah. Not tall enough to be a good movie star. True. Well, it explains why I'm not in movies. Oh, well. You just do snuff films. Be quiet. Oh, wow! All right.

[00:25:07] Well, man, so Tom lit the fuse and then Gil lit off all the fireworks and Mike and James brought some. Here's a fun fact for you. Every Tom Cruise movie released in Germany is considered a scheisse film. Nice. Good thing I know that word. Me too. Schnell, schnell, schnell. 9-9-9? Oh. Oh, Christ.

[00:25:37] He couldn't even kill Hitler. What a fucking loser. I did like Valkyrie though on a rewatch. Good movie. They're definitely good. I like the last two Mission Impossible movies. Shit, I can't even talk to it. It's impossible for us to even talk about impossible. Yeah. The last two Impossible movies I liked because Agent Carter was in them. There you go. Yeah. So he got some assistance from Hawkeye and he actually did something this time. Yeah. And they built most of the sets too. That was the best part.

[00:26:07] And ho, ho, ho. Marcellus Wallace had a machine gun. The thing that gets me is like, but, but, Ricky still didn't get to go to school. Oh, you guys see this. Like, I watched him in Jack Reacher and I watched the show Jack Reacher. The show's way better with the guy they got now. Yeah. Gil and I were talking about it. I was thinking there should be an alternate universe movie where both Reachers cross over and you can just see Tom Cruise standing next to

[00:26:37] Alan Richardson. And Alan gets him in a headlock and says, who are you really? No, just holds him up with one hand. There you go. Even the author said that he wanted somebody, he wanted like The Rock to play Jack Reacher because Tom didn't fit the bills. The Rock's career is dead and he still would have been better in it. I say that as a fan. He ruined Black Adam, but okay. Oh, don't get Tom started. I love Black Adam.

[00:27:06] I actually like Black Adam to be honest with you. It wasn't, I went in with appropriately low expectations and they were met. Well, I came up with medium expectations and I was very much disappointed. I will just say good casting of Doctor Fate as my only. Yeah. I went in with zero expectations and came out with even better expectations. Well, they kind of rewrote the whole, you know, the thing I don't like is like they rewrote the whole Doctor Fate when he dies, you know, Hawkman gets the fucking

[00:27:36] helmet. And by rewrite we mean The Rock went back in and kept trying to make the villain character a hero. In the comics it was Hawkman's son who gets the helmet. Yeah. That's how you know Tom Cruise is such a good actor. We've already switched bait and are talking about anyone other than him. I kind of like a lot of Tom Cruise movies. That's just it. I like some of his movies. I don't necessarily like him. I like poor few good men, you know, rest in peace Rob Reiner.

[00:28:07] Yeah, few good men was good. All the right moves I liked. That had him Rain man wasn't bad. He kind of plays a tool in rain man. Magnolia he plays a tool but that, you know, he's playing himself kind of respect the cock. Yeah. Magnolia has issues. You're playing this guy. He's a self help guru, but he doesn't know how to help himself. Yeah. And I think that's the thing that gets me about that movie because I think that's why Tom did it because he realized he

[00:28:36] really can't help himself. So he just did method acting. Yeah. And he was filming Mission Impossible 2 at that time too. Yeah. Yeah. If we're going to talk about the Brad Pack, don't see Tom run. See Tom as hell. I see what you did there. I met the guy in person. I think we all see it. Yep. I met him at an expo in person and I just kept going, why is he not a bigger star than Mr. Cruz? Well,

[00:29:06] two words, soul man. Well, that's pretty much it. Because someone had to play the human cop in Kindred the Embraced. I forgot about that show. Yeah. I did watch that. I liked it. Aaron Spelling paid pretty top dollar back then. They did. Well, you came in grinding. You came in firing on all cylinders. I think you did pretty good. Next week,

[00:29:36] I got something to do. He needed something to do. I'll be back. Tom Cruise. I'll be back guys. Don't worry. I'll be fighting back. I'll be fighting back. I'll be fighting back. Now he's fighting back. He's fighting back. They took his family. They took his farm. Now he's fighting back. Tom Cruz is the knee biter.

[00:30:07] Wow. Here's one thing. I'm wondering why they didn't cast Tom Cruz in the remake of Fantasy Island that he put on ABC. He could have been tattooed. I think he's just scared of doing TV. Oh, God. I think the only time he did TV effect I remember was when he was on the MTV Movie Awards and Ben

[00:30:37] Stiller was pretending to play his stunt double. Oh, yeah. That was for MI2. Right. I don't think he's ever done Saturday Night Live. Nope. you know, because he can't take a joke. Was that after his little meltdown on Oprah? Five years before, but five years before that. His meltdown on Oprah was just so I couldn't believe it. You know, I loved when they started doing memes and gifts, making it look like he's laughing like the Emperor

[00:31:07] in Star Wars. And speaking of Oprah, he had a book on the Oprah book club. It was called A Million Little Roles. I'll tell you, he's really taught me how to express love to my wife. I have to get up on the couch and jump up and down. So that was Mr. Peepers on Saturday Live with Chris Katane. I was supposed to throw him an apple. He just mauled it off of his mouth. You know,

[00:31:43] I've seen, I think the worst thing you do is him and Matt Lauer and he was talking about, you know, the whole, you know, the whole 9-11 thing. Did you see the follow up to that where then he went on Jimmy Kimmel and they digitally made it look like he punched Matt Lauer in the face? Oh, God. But here's the thing, that joke doesn't really work. Tom Cruise just can't even land upon him. you were so glib. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? Glib. You know?

[00:32:14] I was walking out of work Sunday at the library. With eyes wide shut? No. I just watched that recently.