No-Budget Filmmaking Disasters Ep2: Tom Lindaman & Gil Palmer

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[00:00:10] Full roster again!

[00:01:02] Full of what? We don't know. Full of what? And finally it looks like there's a character I can actually impersonate. Oh, there you go. Full of what? I just I needed someone just looking senile like, what did you just say? And that just so happened. Just randomly a video with that thumbnail popped up in my feed. I'm like, I'm taking that. That's my new zoom image. Full of what? It's an honorable image. Yeah, I have to honor the greats.

[00:01:33] Before we get into the thick of it, Welcome is another episode of a new side game we're playing called No Budget Filmmaking Disasters. Today, the Des Moines Super Friends team. Fuck. We're like the Wonder Twins only we don't suck. Oh, man. Well, we ain't bumping fists, I'll tell you that.

[00:02:00] That's all good. I'm not a sports guy, so you can say whatever offensive thing you want. I'm not... So, the rules to this are pretty simple. It's all improvised. It's pretty much how rapid you go that determines your success. So long story short, you're basically a studio fixer. You're making sure that whatever the scenario is, the movie is running on time and you get a promotion as a result. That's the goal here. All right. Oh crap, I gotta play out a scenario?

[00:02:29] Yeah, right. How dare I? The only rules are you can't just flat out just opt out of the film. You don't have enough money to settle a contract dispute. You can't just be like, I'm out. You can hand it off to someone. You know, everything else is fair game. You can fire people or trick them into leaving unless otherwise stated. You just can't refuse to get the movie done. Somebody's gotta do it. And your career is on the line. You can extort money from a mobster owing producer. You can bribe an actor.

[00:02:58] You can even commit murder, but that's not recommended. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun game. So, in this scenario, Tom and Gil, you are doing a gladiator's sword and sandals epic with wrestlers who can't act but think they're great at such a feat. The directors, editors, and makeup department keep quitting.

[00:03:22] The studio is kind of a Lionsgate Sony type where they could either release it in dump month in the spring or just do a VOD release. They don't honestly care as long as there's no lawsuit and it gets done before the end of the month. So, Gil, make your first move. And film it like a silent movie? Okay, wonderful. I like that.

[00:03:47] The director is, has a very campy comedy background and he loves your ideas. So, that is successful. He tricks the actors into thinking that what they're saying is being recorded. The cinematographers have a shit-eating grin. They're loving the concept as well. Yeah, so you're already ahead of the curve. Um, next thing you know, uh, I played the strick on Mike last time.

[00:04:13] Uh, one of the actors decides to become a born-again Christian and doesn't like the violent nature of the movie. Tom, what do you do to deal with this prima donna? Well, here's one thing. I think I will solve this problem. Because I'm going to get Leap and Lanny Poffo, who is playing Macho Man Randy Savage, who is playing the main character.

[00:04:47] Because, of course, if you're really like Kaka, you'd definitely get Macho Man Randy Savage to do it. But it might be a little weird trying to dig him up these days. Yeah, it's going to be a little hard. Okay, so... But for the prima donna part, it's like, okay, we now have a star who can do everything. He can even recite his own poetry. He writes his own poetry. Can you do that? If so, let's see you do it. If not, guess what?

[00:05:16] You're going to be made into comic relief. Perfect. So, the actor hushes up and does what you tell him. The editors are loving the dailies. The producer is really digging the concept. He thinks it's unlike anything this division has ever produced before. Sure enough, there's a fire in the electrician department and half the sets burn down. What do you guys do? The salvage. Do you write it in? Do you just pick a different set?

[00:05:46] What do you do? You just go out in the woods and frolic. I'll do you one better. The ending in the movie is the explosion of Mount Edna on Pompeii. Oh, perfect. So, the directors dig adding that in there that they're like, oh, bloody hell, that's amazing. We would have been a waste of an explosion had we not been filming that while it was happening.

[00:06:16] Okay. So, now you guys are ready to edit and print posters. But now you got a producer who doesn't understand the movie and wants to kill it. What do you do to knock some common sense into him? Oh, just grab him by the lapel and sell him. The money's already been spent. Okay, perfect. I like that. Okay, so he's intimidated. He's never been put in his place before. And he says, you know what? I need to go back to selling real estate in Hollywood. Fuck this.

[00:06:45] So, you guys are good. Michael loved this. I've played this on him before. So, the editor and director make a mistake of bringing one of the stars into the editing room. And he doesn't like how he is. He's too close to it, even though it's not his place. What do you guys do to find a way to kick him out of there and stop him from ruining the movie? You do some editing tricks. You edit in some different things in different spots.

[00:07:13] So, we have him saying his lines, but we say them in really weird ways. Like he says, behold Caesar! And then you say, where is the orgy? Then you clip them together and say, behold the orgy! Okay, so the guy's a moron. And he just says, whoa, I know what you're doing, but I like it now. And he leaves the room.

[00:07:41] You're too smart for the average bear. So, he runs away. Which means he'll never see the light of day. Right. He goes there opening day only to find out, oh, I should have kept my fucking mouth shut. And so, the studio likes it. The critics, surprisingly, including Entertainment Weekly, are actually pretty kind to it and think it's a fun frat boy comedic movie.

[00:08:07] And it gets free sequels greenlit in the spirit of Naked Gun and Police Academy. So, you guys are good. So, what movie? So, this is the first time for episode two. So, I'm going to let you guys pick. Now that you have a little creative freedom, what project do you think you would like to go on from there? Gladiators in space. We could intercut footage from Space Mutiny. Yes. Okay, so.

[00:08:37] And we could use some stock footage from Planet of the Apes. Oh, wonderful. A planet where gladators evolved from men. Oh, lovely. So, you start working for Charles Band and Jim Winorski, where you start splicing in some stock footage from more expensive movies into goofier movies. That feature aliens, possibly topless people, and comedians swinging swords at each other. So, yeah. No, you're in the B-movie business and you're pretty well beloved.

[00:09:07] Some slasher company. I was already calling Tom's number and some people want Gil to actually helm a college comedy. So, perfect. Welcome. Welcome to filmmaking, buddies. That's it. I'd like to thank the Academy for this to work. I'd like to, but I'm not going to. Fuck the Academy. I did it all on my own. It was just me. I did it on my own. No bait needed. No golden trophy needed.

[00:09:34] That concludes episode two of no budget filmmaking disasters. We'll return after these messages. Hey, it's Brent Pope, the host of Brentfist with Brent Pope. You've seen me on some of your favorite TV shows saying things like, give it up, Jimmy. You got to sink this putt to win. On Brentfist with Brent Pope, I sit down with guests from the entertainment world and we do it all over breakfast. Or should I say Brentfist?

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