Character Versus Matches Special (with Oreo Brewer)

[00:00:06] It's a Jacked Up Review Show! It's a Jacked Up Review Show! It's a Jacked Up Review Show! It's a Jacked Up Review Show! Jacked Up Review Show! Whose death battle is it anyway? With your host, Oreo Brewer, determining the winners.

[00:00:54] All kinds of movie, TV, video game, book and comics characters are going to get represented. But they're in-depth matches. We've talked a lot of stuff off air. We've talked a lot of smack. We've we had Oreo decided to make it more interesting.

[00:01:13] I should at the end of every read-off have them be on an unusual scenario. So that fucks around with the actual decision. We had a bunch of creatures from Grimlands, Drazing Park and Planet of the Apes and Trimmers fight it.

[00:01:27] We didn't really get quite a right match, but we just said, hey, let's just send them into space on Mars. We had Constantine. They all died because they didn't have oxygen. Yeah, we had Constantine, Hellboy and Pinhead duke it out.

[00:01:41] And we kind of just decided whoever has the most weapons gets an edge. And now we're trying to decide for those who don't know what the hell we're talking about, just go with it. It's a versus match. What did you expect? It's not for real.

[00:01:58] So we're going to fuck around. We're going to have all kinds of wacky stuff. Good call on noticing that I was being a dumbass and not recording. So we had we had Wing Commander. Yeah, we had freaking Doom. We had freaking Halo, Destiny, Mass Effect.

[00:02:23] It was like, well, we are having all those cool sci-fi fantasy video game guys face off. No. But so who is the winner in this? The last one it was Doom guy. All right. Well, why would you say he wins? Is he just better at with the swords?

[00:02:45] And he's more I mean. I mean, Halo has the military, my Mass Effect. I only know five percent of because I only played the beginning of the first game and then I know about Paragon lost.

[00:03:04] I need to rewatch that movie and did like that when it came out. Not many people probably know about Paragon lost. I don't know that you're going to have to link me in the showdown. So yeah, it's on YouTube actually.

[00:03:17] Well, I know I have found more comic book films on YouTube than I knew about. And it's so funny and there was a lot of good animated ones, too. It was like, wow, nice, good stuff. And then there's all these different ones. I'm like, great. Good.

[00:03:37] Now I have something to fuck with. I got a race. Oh, man, you forgot to hit record. I know there's a sucker born every minute. It's like, oh, no, no. We were doomed. They're doing I definitely have. We're going to have a super villain standoff,

[00:04:08] and it's going to be at Skeletor's Castle. He said it needed an unusual scenario. So this is what you get. Embra. I blame it on who would win. Who doesn't really do very unique. I'm sick of there.

[00:04:24] We love the Who Would Win Show, but you guys got to fucking make it illegal for battlefield removal. You got to duke it out just like anybody else. I mean, it's all about the biggest thing that I've always pointed out

[00:04:36] in every post they've done is like, can they even breathe in the same fucking area? Like you bring two different people in from two different universes to fight in a neutral environment and even fucking breathe. Bingo. And it's so important because.

[00:04:57] And how long can they be knocked out before they really know it? Is this going to be like Duncan or Conor McCloud, where they're kind of screwed if they don't have time to heal and get up? Like the biggest thing I've done.

[00:05:10] The one thing I pointed out was even with people that are have abilities and shit, can their physiology even survive being in another universe? You know, this goes down. This is true. Yeah, when they get into the tune force, I'm kind of that way, too.

[00:05:27] I'm like, are what scenario are we doing? Are they in a cartoon world or are they? Going with real life physics, even then, we can still pull some last action hero of ready player one logic and say they're a cartoon in a real life world.

[00:05:43] So they're only as good as the plot, really. That's why I look when I saw a post popped up on Facebook about Wiley Coyote's. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I liked his um, that was his perks. He has the easiest perks.

[00:06:00] He's got the easiest layout for some great shit from an unreliable company. He's got the best for real. He's got the best layout for a character build. It's simple. It's straight to the point. There's no bullshit with him. Allegedly, and he's so easy.

[00:06:19] And I'm like, damn, why can't people follow this and understand? And then he grabs somebody up that they always go for the strongest character and like Superman and Goku beat each other. Like which versions? And then they get really mad about that. You can't do that.

[00:06:36] They really do. That's cheating. You can't do that. It's cheating. I'm like, it's not cheating. It's a valid question. I was on a post and they're like, that's not who's pictured. I'm like, this person's going to be with these people in this setting. It's like saying, hey, Mr.

[00:06:53] T is no longer part of the A team anymore. One of the boys is missing from this fight. No, fuck you. We're there in this fight. Mr. T, what about the rest of the alphabet? Where's Mr. A through W? Hmm. Yeah, well, now they weren't real.

[00:07:15] I love seeing people get mad about fictitious people. It's hilarious. Oh, it's so funny. Like they're not even real. They're real to me. Look, it's just a fucking debate. Chill out. And when you point when you see these versus matches and shit,

[00:07:37] you can really point out the ones who have never done a pen to paper RPG ever, never, ever done a pen to paper. Oh, don't say that, man. I'm spoiled on the computer. I'm a five year old and I got to talk shit to you. Fuckers. Yeah.

[00:07:57] Speaking of which, let's wipe the floor with them. So we're going to have Hans and Simon Gruber. OK, the brothers from Die Hard with they're going to have their German soldier brigade and Mercs. They're going to fight Blofeld and his associates from just any version

[00:08:15] from the James Bond verse. You can decide versus Hannibal Lecter in his copycats. This is copycat killers get to be on this team versus Lex Luthor and the Joker and their thugs in a tag team. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. And Skeletor's Castle. Skeletor's Castle.

[00:08:41] Skeletor's sitting there watching like, yeah, you know. OK, so just to start off, Hans is actually going to go up and shoot him in the fucking face. He's going to. Before anyone says that, you know, it would happen. Fuck off. We're here. He does.

[00:08:59] It's a video game kind of setting. So we're hearing Nintendo type music. Oh, God, and 64. Right. Yes. And Acclaim presents. Yeah, Activision presents. Nice. So cool game engine, wrestling mechanics with occasional blood and weapons, Duke, Newt. So they all have Duke Newcomb type weapons. Oh, God.

[00:09:29] What kind of sick motherfucker plays a wet. Well, I didn't know he had that, but that's amazing. That'll be Hannibal Lecter and throw shit at people. Yeah, that line was in the remastered Duke Newcomb. That was so funny. Oh, jeez. That is some sick shit.

[00:09:49] It's funny as hell though. I bet it is. It sounds funny. I don't know. I'm talking to a comedian here. Who do you want to have win? Yes, I'm OK. Yes, I'm OK. I'm just I'm thinking. I don't think they get fast enough.

[00:10:21] Well, the Grubber brothers are more. They were sort of scoundrels. Yeah, they're militaristic and shit. Yep. They worked in like some. Terrorists and freedom fighter groups, so apparently Simon was a war criminal, so that's why Hans didn't

[00:10:40] take a liking to him, but I think they'll put aside each other's ethics just to wipe the floor. What's the name of the names in Dior? No, no, no. That was Vondee Curtis Hall. So you're thinking of all those other military terrorist guys.

[00:10:55] Sam Jackson was in part three. OK, I remember that. Don't fuck with me or I'll show my line and blow up your ass. I quote that like like scene by scene. I know when it's going to happen. No, I just remember the roots living in Dior.

[00:11:13] That was so sick. Oh, yeah, that was the T1000 doing it. So. Trust me, I'll have some Terminator battles in here somewhere. Oh, no, that's all right. Um. Groover and Simon. Simon said so he's and yes, he's going to have plenty of bombs.

[00:11:36] Oh, yeah, that would be fun. Definitely. If I give you guys Bowser shells and other Mario type bombs, then it's really going to get out of control. There you go. Bowser bombs everywhere. But yeah, Ham Electar, he's good at using people's body shields and.

[00:11:55] And the Joker and like Slyther, they're going to who knows what the hell they're going to be doing. And Lex always has a backup plan no matter what. He's going to probably get in his mech suit and start strangling Hans and from off building.

[00:12:14] Who do you think has what it takes to at least just take over the castle, if not kill? Castle takeover would be a tie between Lex and Groover for sure. Because Lex is a type he likes power

[00:12:36] and he's always going to be power hungry no matter what version is out. Groover is more. He's not so much about power, he's more control based. Yeah, he's more yeah, he's more control based. You look at the whole if you look at one and three specifically,

[00:13:00] he's more control based. Hans wanted control of not the on the tower and Simon wanted to control all the banks. He wanted all the money, all the goodies. Yeah, that's all. They're they're polar opposites. Simon, yeah, Hans wanted power. Simon wanted money. And that was it.

[00:13:23] So, yeah, Lex would definitely take that. Well, both are probably yeah, but probably lose the fucking animal and. It was the motherfucker and red dragon. I can't remember. I don't know. I don't remember his damn name. I can see his face. I just can't remember his name.

[00:13:53] I still can't believe they had a submitted tiger in that movie. That was wow. That was so surreal seeing that person. I was like, wow, that's a big fucking cat. Of course, if that came out today, people bitching about her group in the cat's box. Which one?

[00:14:20] Red dragon, right? Ragged. She's all over. Yeah. Like she she sexually assaulted that tiger. She should be arrested. Yeah, circularly do that sometimes. I guess it's going to be a lot of and then there. Jesus Christ, red dragons, 22 years old. Yes. Ah, Francis dollar. I that's it.

[00:14:57] There you go. Yeah, Francis. I guess. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, Lex would win and then Francis will come out of nowhere and just kill him. You know, like it. Well, so Mills versus Pogs. Wait, what? That's my girls person. Basic White Girls versus Pogs. What? It is no.

[00:15:37] Mills versus Pogs. Oh, God, everyone Pogs can. I still don't know what the hell to do with. Get a slammer. What the fuck do I do with a slammer? No. No. Spurs is part of this. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

[00:16:05] I don't know. I don't know. I lost the interesting collecting Pogs, although I do have an Apollo 13 slammer, which is really cool because of metal. Yeah. And Mills, I don't know, I can give Leroy, take them, take or leave them. They get boring so quick.

[00:16:29] It's like speaking from experience. I like it. They do. It's like. Yeah. Because it's like when you're young, you're like, oh, yeah, definitely on a mill for that girl. Then you get older and you find out that it's not everything it's cracked up to be.

[00:16:48] Like American Pie taught me everything. Like we didn't miss. Not the movies, guys. For real, like there's so much more mechanics into it than just whatever. Mechanics. I love it. Well, that's awesome. A crazy question gets a crazy answer. Oh, so

[00:17:19] we're going to have the the unisoles from Universal Soldier versus Skynet. Oh, Terminator versus Omni Corp. So yeah, the Robocop versus Tyrell Corp. Which is the Weyland-Yutundi Corporation from Alien and the Blade Runner films versus The Matrix.

[00:17:40] And I'll just say they're they're all meeting up like on a desolate part of apocalyptic landscape. How the hell they never crossed over is amazing to me. It's ridiculous. I do like the fan theories. Everything is right fucking there.

[00:17:55] In my mind, Skynet is technically the since there's the alien Blade Runner connection in Battlestar Deliraga, I like to think of it as a thing that because of the Terminator-Kangaroo crossover, that's that's Skynet. Yeah, because of the Cylons.

[00:18:11] I can throw them in here if you want, but I think it's just I think that's still technically part of Tyrell-Weyland-Yutundi. Unisoles. I love that alternate ending. That alternate ending is so good. Oh, and which one? The first one. The alternate ending in the first one.

[00:18:34] The original ending for it is Luke gets shot and gets thrown back into the program. And. The girl he was with, she gets killed too, I think. Oh, geez. Yeah, it was dark. I was like, oh, wow. It's like here's the original one. They were like, oh, what?

[00:18:59] Luke dies. Why? Why would you do that after all that time to get his revenge and shit? And then he only gets thrown back into the program. Damn. It was rough. It is kind of evil. It was good, though. Man. Yeah, I can set this wherever or.

[00:19:23] It don't matter where you set it. It's a fun fight because it's so connected. Given the time. That's just it versus imagine me to have at least five participants. It can't just be one or two. And that's true.

[00:19:35] I want at least two of my darlings to kill each other before the one giant monster shark comes in and wipes the floor with everybody. That's true. Let's see, of course, as I said it. Give me a ego here. What are you trying to do?

[00:19:54] Are you trying to do? Well, universal soldiers are pretty strong. So assuming Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren are part of this. Yeah, we can assume that they're cool for now. And there's comics for it, too. Son of a bitch. I didn't know there was comics.

[00:20:12] I just looked at. No, 1992. It's nice. Wow. Yeah. I want to look at my library, see if they have the collect edition available. That's pretty cool. It's just an adaptation of the first movie. Yeah. Still cool, though. Yeah. Let's see. Universal are pretty strong.

[00:20:42] You got a tiny lister in there and gold birds. So there's some rustling. Yeah, definitely. But their weakness is heat. Which is a very good weakness. I actually like that. I actually do like that, like there. I like there's an actual fucking weakness with some.

[00:21:00] That's like what's missing from today's films and shows. Like, there's not a lot of weaknesses. I mean, there are weaknesses, but they're more mentally based, which is even better. But yeah, physical weaknesses are fun. So, yeah, unisoles would get taken down pretty quick because of their heat exhaustion.

[00:21:25] All the Ed 209s. Let's just assume RoboCop's under their control for now. RoboCop and Ed 209s. Yeah. Robocane and. Let's just assume Cable from the Prime Directive show will just throw him in there too. I got one of those. I got to wash them shoes. Good show.

[00:21:50] Four parts. Hell, I'll throw in the RoboCop remake persona. Boom. That was a good remake. It's good. My sister and I clapped when we saw it. We were like, this was made with love. Yeah, what really threw me off is they switched the partners. It's different.

[00:22:10] Yeah, it's a remake. I don't know. I was mad. I was like, what the fuck did you do to Murphy's partner? Why did you give him no more? I dug the crooked cop angle in between the war on terror kind of propaganda the city was spewing.

[00:22:25] It was like, see, that makes sense if we're tapping into modern day. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but the thing that really kind of irked me was the car bomb shit. I'm like, really? Yeah. A car bomb. Fucking car bomb, baby. Yeah. It's still a good movie. Totally.

[00:22:48] Yeah, Ed Tuonines, RoboCops, RoboKing. RoboCop, yeah. And the Samurais, I love them all. Everybody hates RoboCop. If we go to Roland Yatundi, we can assume that Bishop is here with some machine guns and RoboCop and his crew, the renegade cyborgs from Blade Runner are going to be here.

[00:23:15] Yeah, RoboCop and Ed Tuonines played about the U.S. souls. They struggled with the T-1000 in that one crossover, just saying. Because we got Skynet here, buddy. We got everybody. True. How do they really win? And just to make it harder, I'll have all six Arnolds.

[00:23:44] They've all been programmed to be bad and they all got grenade launchers and shotguns with me if you want to live in their motorcycles. Just to be fair, though, I'll give all the alien and Blade Runner guys the Colonial Marines guns.

[00:24:11] That would be a hell of a shootout, that's for sure. That would be so fucking awesome. Rutger would be like, he's mine. Only I can kill him. Ian Holm would be stopping a guy's head in while Lance Inrikson is like, let's play a knife game. Yeah, for real.

[00:24:37] It'd be actually funny if in some fucked up universe the detective Lance Inrikson plays in Terminator 1 is actually Bishop. That would be wild. Like I was... That would be a dynamite type comic book. Yeah, that would be a hell of a plot twist.

[00:24:55] I went out while I've been replaying Destiny 1. I thought I was defending Ripley. I was actually defending Sarah Connors. The exo stranger, it turns out to be Anna Bray's sister, Alice from another timeline. Yeah, it's wild. I didn't realize that this whole time she was wielding stasis.

[00:25:19] And it really threw me for a loop when I was replaying. I was like, wow, so she had stasis this whole time. I'm like, damn, that's crazy. That is crazy, Cuckoo. But if the whole fight would be a bloodbath unisoles would get wiped out first

[00:25:40] because they're in fear. They're still human at the end of the day. They don't have to all eat like rundown, but yeah, let's just... Let's have them all eating bacon and then he's eating and he notices the login machine gun and Goldberg getting thrown out of window

[00:26:00] and he just goes, I'm done. Take me back. Take me back. Yeah, for real. Surrender. Yep. They used to be human. Yeah, they would get torn apart first. I think you could shut down the ED-209s. They would definitely fuck up the main Terminator bots, but...

[00:26:26] Yeah, they would try, but it wouldn't be enough. I think the only one that would be left standing between that incursion, between the three of them fighting would be Genesis Arnold. Oh, well. He did survive on Buzz. Yeah, and he has the T-1000 capabilities.

[00:26:55] Yeah, and he has the T-1000 capabilities. He has the T-1000 capabilities now. Jeez. So there's John Connor. Wow. I'm going to hope that they space him out into a different timeline, so this does not impact this. I want the Dark Fate Arnold to win.

[00:27:16] He's good with those chains. I'm the worst. Yeah, I mean, I think the E.T.S. Sentinels would be good, but I do think the ED-209s, if they're anything like the APUs that the humans are using in Zion, I think they'll blast them away. Yeah.

[00:27:37] Especially when they go and use rocket launchers. And the Sentinels are so fast too. They are? Let me see what their top speed is. I don't even know. I've covered the art book for The Matrix. That was a beautiful art book. Oh, it's so beautiful. Fucking 400-something pages.

[00:27:54] Damn, that's nice. But yeah, it was good. It's kind of a draw. Yeah, kind of. Because everybody can do their thing. Sentinels are deadly, but they can still be gunned down. So the Terminators are going to get just kind of a numbers thing.

[00:28:11] If you want, I can throw in. The Sentinels fly with electromagnetic levitation. Interesting. So I'm going to throw in the Trade Federation. Christ. Separatist Droid Army. So then we got all the super droids. Roger, Roger. Yeah, somewhere on the Wiki page

[00:28:40] said they have a speed about 300 to 450 kmh. What? I mean, it does kind of track, in a way. All right. It looks like The Matrix might be overwhelming. Probably. Especially if they unleash agents. Yeah, for real. The T-1000 is going to be very

[00:29:04] overwhelmed by the Agent Smith Army. And TX. Oh, the TX, yeah. She's got her super tits. I think she's OK. Super tits. Oh, man. I still remember her Maxim cover. I was like, I'm so glad that magazine did it all. All right. So kind of got an answer.

[00:29:35] I'm going to go with. So here you go. Some gangsters and they're all duking it out at Scarface's Mansion. We got Neil Brown from New Jack City. We got Ghosts from the Power TV shows. We got Tony Soprano. Stringer Bell from The Wire.

[00:29:52] Gus Spring from Breaking Bad and the Kylie Owens. That's right. Favorite thing in the Godfather game was when you would hijack a car and someone would dialogue automated would come out and say, the Kylie Owens took your car.

[00:30:08] It was like this really is like Grand Theft Auto, isn't it? So what about a shotguns, bazookas and. And hunting villainy, do you think is going to happen? Because like Ghosts is strapped. What does he Snipes doesn't give a fuck. Al Pacino don't give a fuck. Al Pacino.

[00:30:30] Stringer is more. It's Pacino versus Pacino, technically. Yeah, pretty much. But yeah, Gus. Yeah, he'll slip people's froats and. I never watched Power. I don't know anything about that. Oh, well, this is Breaking Bad and Power, but you would love it.

[00:30:48] They even reference New Jack City in like one finale. Nice. Mario Van Peebles, director of the episode. And Tony is soprano. He's big fat and don't give a fuck. You don't give a fuck. And if he's having a mental breakdown. Oh yeah, I like that.

[00:31:10] I like that there is going to somehow be like, we're soldiers. And then you're like, oh, I don't want to die. I think it would come down to Nino and Stringer winning. He does have a lot of artillery.

[00:31:25] I think Tony could get hyped up because he actually can. He technically survives if you read those comics and video game. Yeah, and then the creator of the show said he died. I'm like, that sucks. I love he said he didn't die, but then he reverted or whatever.

[00:31:49] It doesn't matter. I sopranos I love, but I hate that final season. It's so boring. Anyway, we're not here about quality. We're here about quantity. Because I mean, Stringer Bell is pretty smart, but he never really has actually seen killing people. But they can bring in their soldiers.

[00:32:06] They can bring in their foot soldiers and drug lords. I think Stringer has some good drive by shooters. I think Tony has some decent henchmen who can hang people from helicopters and Nino has a bunch of guys driving them around while he does the shootouts himself.

[00:32:26] So Carly owns, I mean, we're going to have to have all those other guys. They got shotguns galore and Tommy guns and Tommy guns. Yeah. And it really isn't going to matter. It's just a neutralization. They just busted in.

[00:32:41] Think of it as a Call of Duty like death match. They're all coming in from opposite sides and you're hiding behind furniture and using people as body shields. So that's true. But Ghost is really good with his guys because he is good at just

[00:32:56] kind of a Kimbo and just kind of like what Tony's Montana does early on where he plays everybody against themselves so they're not on their full game. You can say that about Stringer though, too. Yeah, because Stringer is, from what I remember about the wire Bagley.

[00:33:16] Yeah, Stringer is more of an architect versus doing the work himself unless he absolutely has to. And here's a fun fact about Stringer. That character is how... Oh, fuck, I forgot this goddamn thing. Miguel from Across the Spider-Verse. That's what he's based off of. What?

[00:33:47] Yeah, that's who he's based off of. They wanted somebody who was tall and imposing just by standing there. And they went by Stringer Bell. I haven't heard that story. That's awesome. I found that out when I was watching the movie, I think, or

[00:34:08] it was an interview they did. And I was like, wow, that's nice. I love Stringer. I love Idris. But if you're saying that Ghost is more trained and shit and plays everybody. Especially Tommy. Tommy and him are childhood best friends and they always save

[00:34:28] each other from all kinds of gangsters. We're talking Ukrainians, Chinese and other minority gangs, deadly, deadly cartels. All in fucking New York. If I'm going by that, then I would say Ghost and Tony Montana would maybe survive up to the very end.

[00:34:52] I couldn't even see them teaming up. Okay, so if we're going to team up, then Gus is... Well, obviously... Gus is like me, even though he doesn't care for going around... Too much. Well, and he doesn't even go to Baltimore.

[00:35:04] I can see him even saying, Stringer, I owe you. I need you to keep my McDonald's, Tex-Mex restaurant and loan shark company under wraps. So I'm going to need you to take out the trash, but I owe you my life.

[00:35:19] I will kiss your ass for the time being until I decide to kill you. Yeah, pretty much. I'm off getting in another universe. Yeah, that'd be fun. It'd be an interesting fight, but honestly, we're going by firepower of these core... Oh, ultimately, yeah.

[00:35:36] They're going to bomb each other's cars. I would love to see someone go over with a steam type death match version. So I'm going to give you a vampire face off and then I think we can call it quits for this one of many versus matches. All right.

[00:35:51] Blade versus Buffy versus the Lost Boys vampires versus the near dark vampires. Okay. Versus the Gecko Brothers from Dust to Dawn. Okay. Stake out, baby, stake out. I'm going to go with Bella Swan on this. What? Didn't expect that curveball. I didn't know what you're going to do.

[00:36:25] You're going to have a character come out and do outside interference. Outside interference. It better be a good one, buddy. He's a fucking Twilight man. What the fuck? I can respect all your hot takes, dude, because you... I love how you sit there and you just go,

[00:36:42] oh my god, you know, like, trust me, I love plenty of shitty movies. I love Ballistic X versus Sever. I love Die Hard 5. I love all kinds of shit. Bella Swan, really? I mean, the glitter isn't so much what does it for me.

[00:37:02] It's just I have actually read those and I've been like, I'm not getting a feel for anything here. I'm just like... I listened to the first book and I was excited. It was so good. And then they announced it. And I'm like, okay, cool.

[00:37:17] I can't wait to see this. I felt like I was listening to Daniel Still and I was like, oh, I'm going to watch this. And Rice meets a lesser James Patterson novel ever. Yeah, like my favorite vampire story aside from Anne Rice and Orville Cain Hamilton

[00:37:42] is Blood and Chocolate by Annette Curtis Clow said is so underrated. Doesn't that movie have very little to do with vampire? Fuck that movie. Oh shit. I have never seen that movie more than Star Wars original trilogy.

[00:37:58] Oh, I knew you were going to sneak in your Star Wars this. I hate Blood and Chocolate. I will buy it for your birthday and send it to you. No, I already owned it and got rid of it. If you're going to start setting stuff on fire

[00:38:15] and which that should be the movie that you put on fire along with Midsommar. Fuck that movie. I never saw that. It looked it looks very well shot, but it can't decide what it wants to be. And I don't know if it's just kind of like Breaking Bad.

[00:38:30] The pot heads going, it's amazing. Or if it's just the fact that it's not very successful at anything. It's not scary. It's not darkly humorous like it's trying to be. And I just want every idiot in that movie to die. It's like this is a stupid, stupid death

[00:38:46] cult. And I don't know if I should be rooting for them or the idiotic teenagers who came to Sweden and they got this question mark. Mono's the hands of fate made better sense. Okay, so the only thing Blood and Chocolate got right was the house.

[00:39:11] That's the only thing that got right out of that whole fucking thing was the house. I get it. So now I'm going to have to watch this movie while hearing Oreo's angry voice in my ear saying, that's a trap. I tried to watch it recently.

[00:39:35] I got like five minutes in turn the motherfucker off. I was so mad. You're like, it's just regurgitating memories. It's the this is how bad it is. And then we'll get back to the versus. Are you sure? Yes, I promise. Just kidding.

[00:39:53] So everyone's like, I want to see people fight, man. No, no, the book, the main character Vivian is a Tony Burnett who's tall in the movie. She's a fucking blonde and everybody else. All the characters in the book are like average looking. Everybody in the movie is pretty.

[00:40:17] The average man, the antagonist is the book is built like a blotcher. No, he's built like an action star biker in the movie. He is a fucking gangster of some though they went on Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is a gangster. Look, I've signed up. Oh, jeez. What else?

[00:40:47] They cut the book itself is so mature from the 90s. And I mean, but sure, like our kind of mature that we like was real character evolution and shit and layers. This movie has layers. They don't have any of that shit. Fucking stupid. Stupid.

[00:41:08] And the worst offense is they didn't even get in touch with the author. At all. They ran with it and she found out about it and she's like, well, they didn't even contact me. So yeah, anyway, who's going to win a versus masterly vampires? Bella Swan hands down.

[00:41:31] No, it'll come down to the movie. No, it'll come down to. If we're going by skills. Blade has more skills than any of them, even Buffy. Like Buffy was just born into it. They use all kinds of like silver bullets and shit in their shotguns.

[00:41:58] But I do like Blade because he really West. He really shoot all his karate skills. His black belt skills. His whole. Arsenal and shit in the first movie. I love that shit. And he's in on it. He knows that he's callous because he doesn't want to.

[00:42:16] Endure any more pain, especially after knowing that his mom was a vamp. And so yeah, he's got the swords and the guns and the, you know. Stuff to cure them should you get bit and speed. He's a Highlander. Yeah, Buffy's got some cool fighting

[00:42:34] skills and stealth and tracks vampires with her cramps. I'm not kidding. That's how it was. And then they got rid of that troop and I'm like, oh, whatever you got to do. The geckos are going to have stuff to stab people with and Fred Williamson, but they're

[00:42:56] going to be a little bit I don't know the Gecko Brothers. I'm not still gone. Oh, OK. And then it's been a while since I've seen that shit. That's going to be 20 years old next year. Everything is and that's why it's awesome. But yeah, the last boys,

[00:43:15] they can fly in the near dark guys. They're basically bikers with guns and stabs. Fabby McStab stab stab stab stab. Nice. Yeah, I think that's the thing about vampires. Yeah, but they don't even have like vampires though. They just they're more they're outlaws in a western town.

[00:43:37] That's the thing. Yeah. From Dusk till Dawn, Lost Boys in the near dark are all westerns. That's true. Dark fantasy or in action moments. Although out of the three of them. So let's say both Ian Blader, both peak level. Maybe just for the sake of this,

[00:43:57] they can be on a tag team. Oh, that'll be fun. This is only fair since all these guys got reinforcements. Yeah. One of them has Bill Paxton, so it's going to be very difficult. And Adrian Pastore. Yes, that was his first role too. It really was.

[00:44:19] And and the release pissed me off because they made it look like Twilight. Oh, God. The poster was redone to make a track to similar audience. Like, oh, bitch, please. Have you seen Forsaken? I love it. I follow Jonathan Schenock on Instagram quite a lot.

[00:44:41] OK, cool, because that's what it's totally in your dark. Yeah, it really is like I just remembered. I was like, yeah, I feel like that was a fun. I'm like, yeah, like if I lose near dark and I'm like, wow, that's really good. It's it's fun.

[00:44:57] Fun 2 a.m. Bloodsucking. Yeah, that's true. And everyone, yeah, that was a wow. Speaking of that shit, when I did my review on Gothic recently in that shower scene popped up back then, I was like, ooh, yeah, and then I was like, oh, yeah,

[00:45:19] yeah, and now that I'm older, I'm like, you really put all the mental patients in the same shower together. That's not protocol. That's bad. Like there's protocol to this. All these movies we watch the naughty scenes for me when they come up, we're like, wait a second.

[00:45:39] You're going to pick a winner. I love the Forsaken guys, but I don't think they got much of a chance. No, not really. That's just for nostalgia. Yeah, they're just more there. On looking. And this is boring. Let's go away and kill each other.

[00:45:58] Yeah, because they pull into that 2000s era of just, you know, the pre, the my or era of like, that's why no one gave it a chance because they were having over soap opera teen show stars when they were trying to attract a screen crowd.

[00:46:16] But when you look at it, it's like, it doesn't really interfere. And for real, like, it doesn't track the way it's supposed to. And you got Brandon in there who was successful in Roswell. Yes, Brendan Farr from Rosmell and Longmire. I still need you to bring a winner.

[00:46:36] Does Michael from The Lost Boys got it? Does Jack Bauer, vampire got it? Or does Bill Paxton take the lead? I would say it comes down to Buffy gets captured, turned. Blade has to kill her. What? Yeah. Wouldn't that make Buffy good at killing everybody else

[00:47:01] because she's good at knowing who she is? But she wouldn't want to live her life as a vampire. I mean, Angel handled it pretty well. Well, that's Angel because he has good looks. Oh, OK. Well, then let's have him in a minute.

[00:47:14] Could Blade kill him or would his good looks make Blade say, fuck you, I ain't messing with you? I mean, he's a black man. He's going to beat everybody's ass. You can say that because you're big style. The black man beats everybody. That looks like folks.

[00:47:34] He is very shaft like, yeah. I think he's going to be a black man. He wouldn't waste time at all. Like he would just execute quick. Yeah, they would have two of them would have a hell of a fight against all the vamps.

[00:47:55] But towards the end, Sarah and Buffy would get bit. He would offer her a peaceful death. And he'd exterminate everybody. So yeah, Blade would win. Damn. Yeah. Sorry, Bill Paxton. Sorry, Kiefer. You're going to put up a fight.

[00:48:13] But I mean, the closest you got to either of those is basically taking frost in the first place. True. Literally the same kind of persona where he's like, I feel great. I feel great. I feel great. I feel great. I feel great. I feel great. I feel great.

[00:48:30] I feel great. I feel great. I feel great. He has a blood god. That's it. The rest of the time, he's basically doing his best Wishmaster impression where he's like, You need to watch No Hard Feelings. That sounds familiar. Jennifer Lawrence, it came out last year. I haven't.

[00:48:54] Did you like it? It's funny as shit. If you like a good, funny R-rated rom-com, it's perfect. It's so fucking funny. Director of the office. Good bull base and bad teacher. Okay. And Matthew Rogers, too. Well, he ran over people, so I'm not too keen on him.

[00:49:23] He had to get to Godzilla, god damn it. This was before. He was practicing. Oh no! Dump, dump. Wow. I gotta go. It grows me up. But you can see that shit happening now. Yes. We'll return after these messages.

[00:49:55] If you like small town mystery, crazy news and wild history, then the Florida Men on Florida Man podcast is for you. Each week, Josh Mills and Wayne McCarty bring you the absolute best Florida has to offer.

[00:50:11] So if you're looking for a show that's safe for the family but funny enough to help you escape everyday life, then listen to the Florida Men on Florida Man podcast. That's Florida Men, plural, on Florida Man podcast. The Jacked Up Review Show podcast.

[00:50:29] It's an honor to be part of the Blind Knowledge Podcast Network. Join any time, talk the talk and enjoy yourselves. There's something enlightening for everyone with this crowd of cool cats. Check them out. Hey, it's Brent Pope, the host of BrentFist with Brent Pope.

[00:50:49] You've seen me on some of your favorite TV shows saying things like, give it up, Jimmy, you gotta sink this putt to win. On BrentFist with Brent Pope, I sit down with guests from the entertainment world and we do it all over breakfast. Or should I say BrentFist?

[00:51:00] Every week on BrentFist, you get inside Hollywood info and tips, great breakfast recs and booty debates. Most of all, you get the most delightful 30 minutes of your week. So dig in. It's BrentFist time. Listen at BrentFist.com, Apple Podcasts or wherever fine podcasts are found.

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