Navigating Tough F%cking Times

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[00:00:28] Hello, hello all of my beautiful freaking people.

[00:00:31] Welcome back to another episode of FML Talk.

[00:00:35] It is going to be one of those solo episodes guys, where I may or may not cry the entire time.

[00:00:42] So sit back, grab a box of fucking tissues and welcome to FML Talk.

[00:00:57] And this is FML Talk.

[00:01:01] Oh no she didn't.

[00:01:03] Okay, so let's just cut the bullshit.

[00:01:06] That was probably the hardest intro I've ever done because I had to put on my happy voice and pretend like everything was fine.

[00:01:14] When I'm just like really not fine.

[00:01:19] The fucked up part about what it is that I do as far as like podcasting and being on social media and like, you know, as much as like I hate the words being a content creator.

[00:01:33] The fucked up part about that is that sometimes you have to sit down because there's an episode that has to go to editing and you have to like turn something in.

[00:01:42] And you only have like a certain slot of free time that you can sit down and do that and you happen to be in the depths of just not great.

[00:01:58] And you have to do it anyways.

[00:01:59] And I can almost guarantee that by the time this airs in the first week of June, I will be fine and out of this space.

[00:02:10] So I'm just trying to remind myself that when I do record episodes like this that they're usually ones that resonate with people a lot.

[00:02:21] And people usually get something that they need from them.

[00:02:25] But full disclosure, don't want to fucking be here today.

[00:02:30] Wish I didn't have to do this and kind of just done right now.

[00:02:40] So what's wrong, Gabrielle? You might be asking.

[00:02:42] Of course, it's mostly shit that I can't fully explain to you and talk to you about.

[00:02:49] I will blanket it with, you know, we always talk openly about how 85% of the time we're stoked on our co-parenting situation.

[00:03:02] And it's like wildly better than what I know a lot of people go through and deal with.

[00:03:09] But that other 15% when it's not great is fucking brutal.

[00:03:15] And it's shitty for me personally right now.

[00:03:19] There's a lot of different elements going on and I guess to say it succinctly, I just have not been feeling very respected or acknowledged.

[00:03:32] And we'll just leave it at that.

[00:03:35] But it's so interesting because of course the day before kind of like all this shit hit the fan, I did an episode with a divorce and co-parenting coach on the different dynamics of co-parenting.

[00:03:51] So that will eventually be airing in a couple months because you know we record very far ahead.

[00:03:56] And so the timing of it was all just like utterly ironic.

[00:04:00] I also know that my adrenals are out, which if you don't, I think I've talked about that on the show before.

[00:04:05] But if you don't know what that means, it's more or less when you have adrenal deficiency.

[00:04:09] Adrenals are like your fight and flight glands, if you will, your adrenal glands.

[00:04:14] And when they are depleted or out, you can get stuck in a fight or flight mode.

[00:04:20] The best way I can describe it is you can be walking around like everything's totally normal and someone will kind of like play hit you on your shoulder and be like, oh my God, shut up.

[00:04:30] You're so dumb. And you'll just start hysterically crying.

[00:04:33] You just like can't really handle a lot, much less being a new mom, dealing with co-parenting struggles, running a business and doing all of the above.

[00:04:49] It's also really frustrating because all of this is happening in tandem with some really exciting professional stuff that I've been working really hard on for a really long time.

[00:05:07] And it sucks that it's feeling like it's like sucking the wind out of my sails for that.

[00:05:15] I called a really dear friend of mine yesterday like in fucking tears, who is also similarly in the same business I am, but also going through like a nasty divorce with a horrific co-parent that I'm thankful is not my situation.

[00:05:33] And he said something really important to me that I want you guys to listen to.

[00:05:39] I was like, you know, I'm so frustrated because I feel like I'm caught between setting these boundaries and being like, you know, this is what it is.

[00:05:48] And like, this is what I'm comfortable with. And just letting it all go and being like, you know what? It's fine. It doesn't matter. Let's all just be like good and happy and hunky dory for the sake of just like keeping the peace.

[00:06:03] And I was like, I feel like if I don't go with option B, it puts a stop on my flow and my creation in my own life because I'm stuck in that energy.

[00:06:17] And he said to me, Gabrielle, you putting boundaries up to protect yourself is protecting that flow.

[00:06:27] And I was like, oh, OK. So then how do I allow myself to protect my flow, put those boundaries up and then at the same time let go and not have any of that negative energy within me like stay stuck and build and fester?

[00:06:52] It's a fine line, but it was really a powerful statement that he said to me.

[00:07:01] I feel like this has been one of those months that was kind of similar to October for me, where all of the shit is kind of being pulled out and up so that it can be cleared.

[00:07:22] And whenever that happens, it's not super comfortable and not always fun. But I do know that it's very necessary. I do know that there are lessons within all of it.

[00:07:31] I do know that even the people who frustrate me and make me upset in my life, I attracted those people for reasons to learn lessons or to clear things.

[00:07:43] So I'm really trying to stay present and aware of that, even while my adrenals are out, which again, like automatically puts this like lens over you.

[00:07:54] That makes it really hard to see like the positive flip side that I'm normally good at finding. And I just feel like my Scorpio anger energy has been coming out a lot.

[00:08:09] And like, instead of sitting down and talking with people, my tail wants to slice their heads off and be like, aren't you sorry you fucked with me?

[00:08:19] Which I know in the long run does not get me what I want. But boy, does my energy sure want to be there right now.

[00:08:29] And boy, is anyone that is crossing my path right now fucking feeling that.

[00:08:34] I've had a few people recently in my life that have made me feel or that I have allowed to make me feel not honored, not acknowledged and not respected.

[00:08:53] Which are three very difficult things for me and people who are close to me where it hurt more than it probably needed to.

[00:09:06] And so it's been difficult juggling that. I also got some really horrible news from a really close friend of mine and, you know, continuing to try and help my dad through his cancer treatments.

[00:09:22] And there's my screaming child. It's just been a lot. It's been a lot this past, I wouldn't even say month, week. Honestly.

[00:09:35] I'm also next month going to Portugal to meet 24 of my FMLers, which half of me is so incredibly excited about, as I say through tears, to have that experience and be able to connect with people who love me and have been moved by the work that I've put out into the world.

[00:10:05] And the other half of me is like absolutely terrified to be that far away from home, know that my kid is going to be okay for longer days than he's used to having not mom there.

[00:10:21] And just like being able to kind of like let go of the control of that. And is he going to be able to sleep with time change and like all the things just feels like a lot and a lot of anxiety surrounding that.

[00:10:34] So I'm trying to let go of that and know that I can create the trip the way that I want it to be. And thank God I'm going with fans like the ones that I have who are so supportive and amazing and like truly love me and care about my well-being.

[00:10:57] But yeah, I feel like I'm in it right now. And the good thing about that is that I know from looking at my history whenever I'm in it, I'm like really close to being at this new like upleveled chapter.

[00:11:15] So I keep trying to focus my energy on that and knowing that what's the fucking quote that I always say to everybody when they're like, can you give us something inspirational to leave us with Gabrielle? And I'm like, yeah, the light at the end of the tunnel is more beautiful than you can ever imagine. Even if it's fucking dark as shit right now. Keep going because it's amazing. And I wholeheartedly know that and feel that.

[00:11:42] It's summer and somehow I am busier than before. And I really want to feel good in my post-pregnancy mom bod. Even more than that, I want to make sure I am fueling myself with good and nutritious food, not just junk because I don't have time to cook.

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[00:13:02] I've also been really trying to tackle overwhelm. And when I put up that question box on my Instagram about what people wanted me to talk about on the solo episodes, a lot of people responded with how to deal with overwhelm. And I was like, am I one to give advice on that? I don't know. But here we go.

[00:13:25] I will share with you what my mom always so poignantly reminds me of. And that is to take a breath and make a list, whether that's physically or in your mind, and start doing one thing at a time to check off the list. It doesn't have to all get done at once. It doesn't have to all be fixed right then and there. Just focus on one of the tasks and get that one thing done.

[00:13:55] And then move on to the next task and get that thing done. And the more you can try and compartmentalize and not look at, oh my god, there's this, this, this, this and this that I have to do. And it's so overwhelming and say, okay, what's just one thing that I can tackle right now? And you have a little bit of relief each time one of those things gets handled.

[00:14:17] It's so funny right now for my Patreon subscribers that are listening to this. Well, it will now be last season of the minis. I'm on the day that I'm sitting down to record this right now. I am going to finish this solo episode and get on with the person who is doing this season of the minis to record the finale episode of that season.

[00:14:42] So that will give you a really clear idea of how I go from this and crying to, oh my god, everything's so exciting and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because on that aspect, it is. And I have always struggled with like trying to show up authentically, but not fucking wanting to all the time.

[00:15:09] And I'm really thankful that you guys have always allowed me that grace to, you know, take some time off of socials if that's what it is or show up and cry throughout an episode like this.

[00:15:23] I've also been really sensitive and aware of like how much I've been calling my mom lately to like get me through shit. And yesterday, I called her and was like in tears and I was like, I just don't know what I'm going to do like when I can't call you.

[00:15:52] And of course, she like made a joke and was like, well, I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon. But she was like, you know, you'll do what I've taught you to do. And you'll call Tay or you'll call a friend or you'll talk to Stone and you will be okay.

[00:16:14] Apart from all of that, and again, sorry for being so vague with some of it. A lot of it's like not my information to share and, you know, just like protecting certain people and blah, blah, blah.

[00:16:30] Apart from all of that, I have noticed like that I've been beating myself up about, I guess, like what type of mom I am, which we kind of briefly touched on on the Jennifer Love Hewitt episode that we like shouldn't put ourselves or other moms into like a type or a box.

[00:16:51] But we currently have someone who helps four days a week for four hours so that I can record podcast episodes, I can take business meetings, Tay can work. Like we can, you know, obviously like do our jobs.

[00:17:11] Like, anyways, even right now I feel like I have to like justify and explain like what I'm doing during those four hours that I am also like working hard to pay for.

[00:17:24] Anyways, that's how our setup is. And it's what I need to be able to like run my business and, you know, continue working.

[00:17:36] There are also obviously three other days of the week. And last week Tay had a shoot and was gone. And I was with Stone from like wake up to going to bed.

[00:17:50] And by the time Tay got home and he's been like kind of fussy the past couple days. I don't know if he's teething. People have been saying he's teething for like fucking five months. I'm like, bitch, I'll believe you when the goddamn teeth start popping through.

[00:18:02] Because like that's everybody's excuse. But he's been a little fussy and going through this like new phase where, you know, he's about to start walking and he just like wants to be on the go 24 seven.

[00:18:14] Anyways, so by the time we got to the end of that day, I was like, I'm a terrible mom. Because like I did one full day of this without having like, you know, my husband take him for an hour here, an hour there or like, you know, I was on full 24 seven.

[00:18:36] And I was like, holy fucking shit. Like, I am very done. Granted, there were like other elements of like why I had had a stressful week and blah, blah, whatever. I was just like, I am not the type of mom that could be on 24 seven. And that made me feel like a bad mom.

[00:18:52] The mothers that are full ass stay at home, like parenting is my only focus and only job. I stand for you. I clap for you. I throw my hat off to you. Are you okay? How are you doing? I am in awe of you. And I am fully not that type of mom. And that has to be okay.

[00:19:16] My girlfriend who I live very close to and see often, her son is like three weeks younger than Stone. She is with her son from 6am to 7pm when her husband gets home every day. And I'm like, I could just, I couldn't do it. Like, it's mentally absolutely fucking exhausting.

[00:19:40] I don't care how much you love that child. And believe me when I say I love my child. I am just not wired that way. And I can feel it when I go and do something for myself or like running get a coffee or even sit down to record a podcast that I really don't want to be fucking doing.

[00:20:02] When I come back to Stone after that, it's like a whole new experience because I've had that like little bit of a break and I come back and I'm a better mom and I'm a better parent and everything is just better. Why am I on this rant in the first place? To just say that I've openly been like judging myself on that.

[00:20:26] When really it's like what do I expect myself to do? Like strap him to myself and be like, hey, we're going into a really, really, really big business meeting with like big executives. Can you just sit here really quietly while I bounce you up and down for 35 minutes?

[00:20:44] Like, obviously when you choose to work and parent like there has to be some give and some take. But I just felt like I was such a failure at the end of that day because I was so tired and so like ready to tap out.

[00:21:14] So I see you and if you are doing what I am doing by judging yourself, stop it.

[00:21:41] My mom called me the other day and she was like, you need to not work on this specific day and take two hours and go do something for you. And of course my response was like, in what time do I have to do that? Like I am booked within an inch of my life right now. And she was like, so something waits and you make the time and figure it out because you need a break. God love her. God love Mama Wallace.

[00:22:17] I don't even know what I've talked about in this episode. I hope there was something in here that's been helpful before we jump into FML stories and hopefully someone else's shit show is more like, you know, less cryptic and more fascinating than mine.

[00:22:31] I guess I will leave you with this. Whatever you might be going through in your life, whether it feels insurmountable or annoying or like there's never going to be a solution. I keep bringing myself back to my love place, which is my little baby and his stupid little laugh.

[00:22:55] And repeating, I am simply deciding that everything is working out easily and effortlessly. Because it will. I know it will. I guarantee you by the time this airs and everybody's DMing me being like, oh my God, are you okay? Is everything okay? I'm so worried about you. Like actually I'm fucking stoked and everything is rad. So let's cross our fingers for that. All right, we're going to jump into your FML stories. Here we go.

[00:23:28] Okay, I will preface that this is one of the longer FML stories I have ever opened. So here we go. I love that it starts from to Gabrielle from Gabrielle.

[00:23:38] I also want to point out that this FML story does deal with suicide and gets slightly graphic as to the way that that happens.

[00:23:50] Here is my FML story. This is long, so bear with me. But as you can imagine, this is only the highlights.

[00:23:57] First, thank you for putting your story out there. It helped me realize there is life and self-love after divorce. Fuck yeah, girl.

[00:24:05] My FML story starts in 2012. I moved to Honolulu for my dream job and met a naval officer. I knew I had just met my first husband. Like many service members, he suffered immensely from depression. He was estranged from his family, including his twin.

[00:24:20] Early in our relationship, he was hospitalized for suicidal ideation when the difficult childhood memories he had stuffed down resurfaced in a major way. I chose not to judge him but to support him as long as he committed to his mental health. He did. And in paradise, I fell in love. Wouldn't it be great if that was the whole story?

[00:24:41] Begin the rollercoaster. He eventually transferred to San Diego and my quote dream job was a complete disaster. I had a job offer in SoCal with full relocation. I had to make a choice, walk away from my dream career or stay in a toxic job that didn't pay rent.

[00:24:57] I moved to SoCal, got engaged, then eventually moved with him to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania when he left the Navy to pursue business school. With the moves, he was in and out of therapy. His childhood demons repeatedly surfaced and became my reality. But I was in love and as a veterinarian, it is my job to help those in need.

[00:25:17] Like so many others, I fell into the cycle of emotional abuse. The good times were amazing but the bad. I was stupid, too fat or a failure. I was eating 1200 calories per day, doing 2 hour workouts 5-6 days a week and was a size 4 yet I was still too fat. I am a doctor yet too stupid. I walked away from my dream job, a failure.

[00:25:42] Shortly before our wedding, I had him hospitalized. There was an argument, who knows about what. It ended when he held a knife to his neck with one hand and my dog by the collar in his other hand. I tried to call for help and he smashed my phone. I ran to the neighbor's house who called the police and he was 302'd.

[00:26:04] I get it, red flags everywhere but I could not fail at this too and I made every excuse. So a few weeks later, I was married. We had a beautiful picture perfect wedding on a gorgeous day at the Naval Academy. My father was able to walk me down the aisle and within a few years he would lose the ability to walk due to a progressive neuropathy.

[00:26:25] Within 3 months, a woman in NYC contacted me. My husband was going there every other week to look for internships. My husband was on Tinder. He tried to lie and say it was before we were together but finally admitted it because my dog was in his profile picture. Fuck that.

[00:26:48] He professed his love for me and said nothing physical ever happened. We went to couples therapy. It didn't last long. Two years later and more of the same, he had his MBA and it was time to move again. This time to Silicon Valley for a job with Google. I gained weight due to a combination of bad genetics and bad habits that depression brings on. He accused me of trapping him for his money.

[00:27:11] On to NorCal and no changes. He stranded me in San Fran without a working phone because I wanted to spend 5 minutes looking at an art display. He told me he deserved credit for coming back later that night. We tried and failed at couples therapy again.

[00:27:25] His friend stayed with us job searching. I cooked and cleaned for his friend who stayed for 2 months rent free. After a trip to the beach, we stopped at a brewery. This was the first time anyone else had the opportunity to experience life with my husband. I asked if anyone wanted to share an appetizer therefore I was a fat ass.

[00:27:42] I left the restaurant and was nearly stranded again. The friend was so upset he booked a flight out the next day. I paid for it. I had 4 jobs but still didn't contribute enough. When I would fly out for army reserve duty, he refused to take me to the airport then would get mad for wasting money on an Uber. He reminded me regularly that I was failing the army because of my weight gain. Jesus dude.

[00:28:06] It all came to a head in September of 2018. We were taking a trip to Montana even though I had come to fear every holiday, birthday and vacation. He promised he would let me relax and get me the mental break I desperately needed. 3 things happened that changed my life. 1. The trip was awful. I was in a building fire. Luckily there was minimal damage and no injuries. He could not care less or bother to ask if I was ok. In fact, I was stupid to think that he would.

[00:28:34] At a fancy dinner I did not order a salad. Again, I was super fat. The examples go on.

[00:28:40] 2. I had been talking to a friend back in Pittsburgh about it all. The next thing I know my former boss sends me a job offer for more money and full relocation.

[00:28:51] 3. During a doctor's meeting at my primary job I expressed that my marriage was failing and working every Friday and Saturday night was not helping. I asked for one weekend a month. They did not care.

[00:29:02] I was done. It was time to change. I decided to move back to Berg. I offered for him to move with me since I had moved so much for him, remote work was an option for him and he loved Pittsburgh. As Google is everywhere, he refused, saying his job was too important. We were not going to get divorced but wanted to see if long distance would help.

[00:29:24] The move was the end of our marriage. We were making a road trip out of the move and stopping at national parks along the way. There was one rule, any stupid fights and he was getting dropped off at the nearest airport. We made it to Kentucky.

[00:29:37] December 30, 2018. We went out to dinner. There was a seat yourself sign but also a host actively seating people. The tables were decked out for an event with a large group of people at most of the tables. I stopped to ask the host if we should seat ourselves. That was the fight. How stupid could I be? Clearly there was a sign. I ended up not staying for dinner and went elsewhere.

[00:30:03] When I got back to the hotel, he could not even tell me if the dogs needed to be walked. I did not drop him off at the airport like promised. I kicked him out of the hotel room at midnight. That would be the last time I saw him. We divorced. I asked for no spousal support or alimony. I just wanted to be done.

[00:30:19] How is this only? Okay, here we go. Fast forward to 2023, an entire year of shit. It started with the death of an uncle, then multiple terminal diagnosis to other family members. My niece ran away during her senior year back to her sociopathic mother and child abusing stepfather. I had given up any chance at a social life to go home weekly to take my father to his medical appointments until he passed away. That was the first three months of 2023.

[00:30:46] I have spent the last five years trying to reconnect with myself, a ton of therapy and soul searching. Several gaslighting boyfriends, one of which I thought was the love of my life. It was just the love bombing of a bipolar narcissist. A month after my father passed, he wanted to reconnect to talk about suicide prevention. I did not think very much of it since he was the type to go from one mission to another.

[00:31:09] While we were talking over dinner, he very nonchalantly tells me that he recently put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Somehow he survived and he showed me the scars. The rest of the year was focused on helping my family adjust to the loss of my father.

[00:31:22] Woof, girl.

[00:31:52] Could I have done something to prevent this? All the what ifs threatening to unravel the work I had done on myself. I never stopped loving him and despite the emotional trauma he caused, I never wished him harm. I had hoped he would have gotten the help he needed and found contentment.

[00:32:09] There really is nothing like two exes shooting themselves in the head in the same year to make you question yourself.

[00:32:16] Five years ago, I made a choice that saved my life. If I had not left him, it would have been me. In all the shit 2023 brought, I made sure to take time for me. It has been essential for my inner peace and balance. I took a solo trip to Italy in November for my 40th and made it as bougie as possible.

[00:32:35] That may sound, no it does not girl, that may sound selfish but I can only do so much. My bucket list was overflowing and I needed the break. Thank goodness I did because of how 2023 ended, I needed the reset.

[00:32:47] Five years ago, I put myself first and while there were unintended consequences, I do not regret it. I am a happier person with better coping ability because of it. I am working through the emotions of my ex's suicide but I am more prepared and have the support of a great therapist, a family and a loving boyfriend. A guy that does not judge never puts me down and makes every day better.

[00:33:10] Thank you for writing Eat Pray FML. Publishing your journey has helped me realize that there is always tomorrow no matter how bad it gets.

[00:33:40] And on that note, I will see you guys next week. Cheers.

[00:34:13] Hey guys, this is Wells Adams. And this is Brandy Cyrus. We do a podcast called Your Favorite Thing Podcast. Basically we talk about our favorite things. So like our favorite binge-worthy shows. Books we're reading and of course music we're listening to. Sometimes we have on some of my musical family members like Noah Cyrus. Of course we also talk Bachelor stuff because I'm the bartender in paradise.

[00:34:45] You can find our podcast wherever you're listening to this podcast. It'll be your new favorite thing.