Motherhood, Career, and F%cking Expectations with Taymour Ghazi

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello, hello all of my beautiful freaking people. Welcome back to another episode of FML Talk.

[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Today is our episode, our monthly episode with Tay and we are going to do things a little differently today.

[00:00:12] [SPEAKER_00]: So sit back, grab a cocktail and welcome to FML Talk.

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_00]: And this is FML Talk.

[00:00:32] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh no she didn't.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Tay is sitting across from me going, what are we doing differently today? You didn't tell me anything about what we were talking about.

[00:00:38] [SPEAKER_01]: I know, I like walk in and I'm like, okay, so what are we talking about? Do we ever know?

[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, no, okay, you're right. Good point. We don't usually know. But then we sit down and we talk about a little bit,

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_01]: a couple of minutes about like, okay, we're going to talk about this. We'll hit this subject.

[00:00:51] [SPEAKER_01]: And then she's like, no, we're just going to start.

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_01]: So here we go.

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm just, I'm in it and I'm like tired of pretending that I'm like happy and fine.

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: So I figured we would just dig into a little therapy sesh today because

[00:01:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I know from people posting in like the close friends group and like responding to my Instagram stories that it's not just me.

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Everybody's kind of feeling it right now.

[00:01:14] [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know if it's fucking mercury retrograde that we're in the middle of

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: or this fucking blue supermoon that happened last week, but like

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00]: everybody's kind of like feeling it in one way or another and I am no exception to that and I have been like

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_00]: banging my head on a fucking wall for what seems like a month or so now.

[00:01:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Are you feeling that too?

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, but I mean I've been feeling it for a while and I kind of feel it all the time.

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_01]: I've been feeling it for a while about 45 years.

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_01]: I think mine is somewhat related to yours.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I know what yours is based in

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_01]: and you know mine's kind of like that. I want things to move faster.

[00:01:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I want there to be more hours in a day and you know, there's so many so many factors.

[00:02:01] [SPEAKER_01]: But yes, in a short answer, I am feeling it.

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, very much so. We also have a weird election coming up and

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_01]: we there's a lot of uncertainty in the world and

[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_00]: And just unrest like yesterday you sat down and you were like

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_00]: you were like looking at your news feed and you were like

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone just walked up to a guy at a gas station completely unprovoked and shot him in the head and killed him

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah, like seven blocks away from our house and I'm like

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Why do we still live here? What are we doing? I constantly go back and forth between like

[00:02:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Just hold on for a little bit longer because I know everything's about to open up in a lot of ways

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_00]: And I go back and forth between that and like sell the house pack our shit

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's go somewhere that's like

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_00]: safe

[00:02:49] [SPEAKER_00]: cheap

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Pretty why are we here? Right?

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_01]: I like to like even take a back seat from that and be like god

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm, just I feel fortunate enough to even have that as an option. Yeah 100%

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, there's a lot of people that are really fucking going through it and don't really have any option 100%

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I also feel

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_00]: that sometimes when I have these like

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Angsty feeling existential crisis things happening that I

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_00]: don't have room to like

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Talk because i'm so blessed with so many things and i'm like

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I have a healthy kid

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_00]: we're like

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: paying our mortgage

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Not without stress

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_01]: You take a big long nice beat there's

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Like i'm healthy, you know, like in the grand scheme of things if you compare

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00]: No our life to like

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00]: You know, yeah a lot of other people's we're fucking blessed and lucky we are that's not to say

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_01]: That you don't have feelings. Is that what you were about to go with?

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, yeah, I mean but like i'm i get conflicted around it, you know

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_01]: well, I mean I think that's uh, you know, like our kids and

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Our tuesday afternoons where we're able to kind of

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_01]: you know

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_01]: Relax a little bit

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_01]: If it happens

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_01]: that's our love place so like I think like

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_01]: You know just because we have those things doesn't mean our life isn't stressful or isn't difficult

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to compare and contrast. I think it's dangerous to compare

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Our lives with somebody else's lives because everybody has their own set of things happening

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00]: But I do I mean, I guess it's like i'm I get scared of people being like, oh, okay first world problems

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Right. Oh, you're yeah. No, you don't find joy in like doing the podcast right now

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Like you're literally at work quote quote and you're sitting on your fucking couch in your office talking to your husband

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Boohoo go fucking cry in the corner

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: right, but

[00:04:54] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, but yeah, like here we are doing it

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_01]: And I don't think anybody's up. I don't think I think we should be doing this

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Now what makes us happy but that that's what i'm saying it doesn't for me anymore

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_01]: You've done it for a while and now you want to move forward. You want to do something different? There's nothing there's no

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_01]: That's the thing guys

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to suffer just because that's what life is giving you you can change your job

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I mean you can like I don't want to be an accountant anymore

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Let's say and you can pick up and like change your circumstances change the circumstances that are that

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_01]: I think you chose to be

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_01]: Well, this is where it gets fucked up because you you obviously went to school for it. Not you i'm talking

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_01]: You know you went to school for accounting and you're like i'm choosing to do this

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_01]: I love numbers and I want to be sit behind a desk and do this for 40 years

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. Well then now all of a sudden you're having a renaissance or a reawakening and you're like I can't do this anymore

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_01]: Well, it's going to be harder to find a career

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Whatever age is starting over but

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_01]: I think you're going to be 10 times happier because you wanted to change and you wanted to like

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_01]: Progress and do something different and even though you might not make as much money

[00:06:10] [SPEAKER_01]: You will eventually start a new career and live prosperously

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Just because you made the decision of not sticking in something

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_01]: I think there's something golden about that. Yeah

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_00]: I guess I need to address that bomb

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: We kind of just dropped because I haven't really talked about that yet on the podcast

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_00]: But i'm just feeling stagnant in a lot of different areas of my life and

[00:06:34] [SPEAKER_00]: I have been struggling to

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00]: find

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: the

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: joy

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: in

[00:06:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Doing the show recently and i've been trying to figure out if that's a temporary thing

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: or if it's

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Something that is coming to a close for me

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: And what that would look like and what that would mean and not rushing that

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_00]: decision

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_00]: but yeah, that's a

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_00]: one of the many things that has been

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Weird in my personal life right now. I also think that I haven't given myself enough

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Grace that I like birthed a whole ass human and like my entire life changed

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Well

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think you've given yourself enough grace

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_01]: If that's what you mean by that or like space leeway, but also credit

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER_01]: It's fucking like a very daunting task. I I I don't know

[00:07:34] [SPEAKER_01]: obviously

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_01]: But i've seen it and I think there's disgust forces against you with hormones and with all all women who go through that

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_01]: and

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think you give yourself enough grace

[00:07:47] [SPEAKER_01]: At all I support that state

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_01]: It's interesting because

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_01]: for you personally

[00:07:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I have seen you like this when there wasn't

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_01]: You know what? I mean when there wasn't a baby

[00:08:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Involved. Yeah or hormones or those types of hormones and it was one time at the beginning of our relationship

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_01]: even pre the ridiculous misadventures like that like when we were

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_01]: On and off we were on I was like the first or second time and I remember like watching you and you weren't enjoying it

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_01]: Just life

[00:08:26] [SPEAKER_01]: You were really having a tough time and I pulled over to the as I was driving home the next day

[00:08:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm, like dude, you need to enjoy the ride

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_01]: And I don't know I haven't really seen much of that. You know you have been and then

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_01]: Recently, yeah, you've fallen into this thing. Here's the thing that first time

[00:08:44] [SPEAKER_01]: I think you were very

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_01]: geared towards getting epray fml

[00:08:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Formulated and done and what was what's interesting about what you're saying is literally the same

[00:08:55] [SPEAKER_00]: pattern it was

[00:08:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Me not being stoked because I knew

[00:09:01] [SPEAKER_00]: This big thing was about to come to fruition and I was ready to see that success happen

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: And then it did

[00:09:09] [SPEAKER_00]: But before I was like fuck this this is taking too long what the hell taking too long that's like

[00:09:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Where i'm at right now babysitting remember like yeah, like yeah. Yeah. This is literally where it's at

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Now I feel like on a different scale. I also think that's

[00:09:24] [SPEAKER_01]: That's the sign of a champion

[00:09:27] [SPEAKER_01]: that's the sign of fucking somebody who can't let go of control and is super impatient or

[00:09:34] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah kind of

[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_01]: kind of any champion or any

[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_01]: billionaire or any

[00:09:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Those are all those those are those are in the list of guys

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_00]: If there's anyone that listens to this show that happens to be a millionaire or have a lot of money

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Like it hit me up because like the shit I could make happen if someone just like handed me the money

[00:09:57] [SPEAKER_00]: It was like here. Yeah, go do some really successful things. Uh, let me know i'm available

[00:10:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Looking back like when we came back from vacation everyone is like oh my god, how was hawaii and like I felt so guilty

[00:10:17] [SPEAKER_00]: for being like

[00:10:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Exhausting it was exhausting

[00:10:20] [SPEAKER_00]: It was exhausting in a beautiful place

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_00]: and you know

[00:10:25] [SPEAKER_00]: It was great to see

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_00]: My mom. Yeah, but it is stone and it was

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_01]: We have a kid it's gonna be I know but like again

[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_00]: It's like fucking boohoo. You had to go on a fucking family vacation to hawaii

[00:10:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh poor gabrielle and it's like I get it. That sounds so

[00:10:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Fucking privileged of me, but if you want the real fucking answer, it was exhausting stone can't swim yet

[00:10:49] [SPEAKER_00]: so it was

[00:10:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Chasing him around someone has to be on top of him 24 7 to make sure he's okay

[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Were there moments where we were like laughing and it was like so fun and like great memories. Yeah 100

[00:11:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Did we get amazing cute videos of him on the beach and was he stoked and had a lot of love in those moments?

[00:11:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but I was more tired when I came back from that vacation than I was before we left and can confirm

[00:11:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Motherfucking angel baby, uh does not sleep on planes. He's like

[00:11:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on if you want me to sleep

[00:11:26] [SPEAKER_00]: I need a little fucking bed that I can stretch out in it needs to be

[00:11:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Dark as shit and you need to be having three different sound machines going so I feel like i'm in a fucking womb. Thank you

[00:11:36] [SPEAKER_01]: It's my one problem with the sleep training. Yeah, but it is actually no I have but I would rather be I would rather

[00:11:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Have him sleep from seven to seven every night and be able to get my sleep and have adult time and do all those things

[00:11:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Then not be able to travel well because how often are we even doing I do agree with that and i've stuck with it

[00:11:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I was like, I didn't put much of a fight about it, but I have two problems with it. One is that

[00:12:03] [SPEAKER_01]: That we can't go anywhere now ever

[00:12:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and

[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_01]: No, well not I don't think about sleep or this or not like we can't just be like

[00:12:12] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, we're gonna stay at our friend's dip

[00:12:15] [SPEAKER_01]: If he was with us like when he's four or five, we were gonna stay at our friend's dinner

[00:12:19] [SPEAKER_01]: We're having a good time. He's there. Can we just pop him in your guest room so we can just sleep there?

[00:12:24] [SPEAKER_01]: That's what they used to my parents used to do to me

[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_01]: We'd go to persian parties all the time and leave at one o'clock in the morning

[00:12:29] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and they'd be carrying me. I mean, I think maybe when he's older

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_01]: The other thing is is he never gets to cuddle in our bed and that makes me very sad

[00:12:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, he does when we bring him in in the morning that never ever ever ever happens. Well, you can make that happen

[00:12:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, but I mean you're sleeping

[00:12:44] [SPEAKER_01]: So I don't want to do that. I do the morning and you you're sleeping and like I don't want to do that

[00:12:50] [SPEAKER_00]: For you you do the morning some of the times that's not I

[00:12:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like i'm like being portrayed as a deadbeat mom that just like sleeps in till 10 p.m. 10 a.m

[00:12:59] [SPEAKER_01]: No, I was gonna we split our morning shift

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_00]: He usually gets up and does the first like hour and a half and then I come out and do the second hour and a half

[00:13:07] [SPEAKER_00]: And then put him down

[00:13:07] [SPEAKER_01]: but if I were to come in at an hour

[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes I do the morning and I miss when I don't do the mornings because then you don't get to wake him up when

[00:13:13] [SPEAKER_00]: He's looking all buttery and cute. Do his bottle. That's why I always do it, you know, it's a whole thing

[00:13:19] [SPEAKER_00]: anyways, hawaii

[00:13:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Was beautiful and it was wonderful and there were moments

[00:13:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Although I feel like that's when I really started feeling all of this stuff

[00:13:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Which is not surprising because hawaii always brings

[00:13:31] [SPEAKER_00]: shit to the surface I feel like

[00:13:33] [SPEAKER_00]: And every

[00:13:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Route, I keep trying to go with like well, maybe i'll do this. Well, maybe we'll go this way

[00:13:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, maybe we'll talk to these people maybe this

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_00]: It's like I turn and I go and there's a hand there. It's like no no, no, no, no

[00:13:48] [SPEAKER_00]: And every

[00:13:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Person i've talked to session i've done with my mom, you know, whatever

[00:13:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Has been like yeah, you just have to like chill and like be happy for a while and like let go of control

[00:14:00] [SPEAKER_00]: And like it's like the hardest fucking thing for me

[00:14:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it is and i'll be like okay cool and i'll like subscribe to it for like

[00:14:09] [SPEAKER_00]: A day or two and then it's and then i'm like this is bullshit. Why is this taking so long? Yeah, that's again back to the

[00:14:16] [SPEAKER_01]: The list of attributes that are all under champion and winner and billionaire and all that shit

[00:14:23] [SPEAKER_01]: Um hawaii for me guys was pretty interesting. I did enjoy my time. I was kind of trying to be somewhat relaxed

[00:14:32] [SPEAKER_01]: but it was difficult because

[00:14:34] [SPEAKER_01]: We have two kids and they are in such

[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_01]: drastic age differences that like

[00:14:40] [SPEAKER_01]: They both need to be entertained

[00:14:42] [SPEAKER_01]: The whole time

[00:14:44] [SPEAKER_01]: And it's like how do you do it?

[00:14:46] [SPEAKER_01]: How do you you know, junie's just starting to get to the point where she like

[00:14:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Branch off and go do her own thing

[00:14:52] [SPEAKER_01]: but I there was times where I was like

[00:14:54] [SPEAKER_00]: We should have brought a friend for her

[00:14:55] [SPEAKER_01]: we should have brought a friend for her or there were times I felt bad because I know

[00:14:59] [SPEAKER_01]: I was going and hanging out with her for an hour hour and a half

[00:15:02] [SPEAKER_01]: But I know that was you were suffering because of it not suffering but like

[00:15:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, I mean it just made it so that we were spread thinner

[00:15:12] [SPEAKER_00]: than

[00:15:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Than normal. Yeah, and again

[00:15:16] [SPEAKER_00]: it's like

[00:15:17] [SPEAKER_00]: We have all the things it's like

[00:15:20] [SPEAKER_00]: We have two parents that are juggling the things we have a 12 year old that jumps in and can't help

[00:15:26] [SPEAKER_00]: In that sense with stone my mom was there and we were still

[00:15:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Exhausted. Yeah, and then i'm like and then I spiral and i'm like am I just a shitty mom?

[00:15:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Am I just like bad at this parenting thing that like I have all the help and like the whole fucking village and like blah blah

[00:15:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Blah and i'm still like what the fuck

[00:15:44] [SPEAKER_01]: You're not a bad mom

[00:15:46] [SPEAKER_01]: At all. I think I was dealing with mononucleosis, too

[00:15:51] [SPEAKER_01]: That day

[00:15:52] [SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't feeling so well at the beginning of that trip. You're not a bad mom. You're fucking amazing

[00:15:59] [SPEAKER_01]: No

[00:16:00] [SPEAKER_01]: Well, you're a first time mom adjusting to how it actually is because every phase is different

[00:16:07] [SPEAKER_00]: well, and I understand now the

[00:16:10] [SPEAKER_00]: You know i've talked to my girlfriends about it the identity crisis of like

[00:16:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, what?

[00:16:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you're not who am I?

[00:16:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Author anymore. You're gabrielle stone mother

[00:16:22] [SPEAKER_01]: author

[00:16:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Right. Yeah, but it's also like

[00:16:27] [SPEAKER_00]: this weird

[00:16:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Space that you come to where you're like, okay. I'm ready to redefine myself

[00:16:33] [SPEAKER_00]: but you feel

[00:16:35] [SPEAKER_00]: guilty

[00:16:37] [SPEAKER_00]: pulling away

[00:16:38] [SPEAKER_00]: From your kid

[00:16:40] [SPEAKER_00]: It's very strange

[00:16:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you I think like that's the first time mom thing because

[00:16:48] [SPEAKER_01]: When you have a second kid

[00:16:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Which we plan on not doing?

[00:16:53] [SPEAKER_01]: You always talk to these moms who have a second kid. They don't give a shit what happens with their second kid

[00:16:58] [SPEAKER_01]: They're like, oh he fell. Okay. He's all right. Like whereas the first it's that only on a bigger scale

[00:17:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I think does that make sense a little bit? Yeah, and I I see the moms mom friends who

[00:17:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Like will give up anything and everything including their happiness for

[00:17:15] [SPEAKER_00]: their kid and

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I respect those people and I

[00:17:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Get it, but i'm not that

[00:17:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Person or mom. No not here's my philosophy just like I won't give up any of that for you, you know

[00:17:30] [SPEAKER_00]: like in a partnership

[00:17:31] [SPEAKER_01]: The kid

[00:17:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh great example. Eventually the kid will not respect you either. Yeah, but let's take that into the relationship. Like you said, yeah

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I wouldn't respect you

[00:17:43] [SPEAKER_01]: The relationship would be dwindling at that point because i'd be like you're giving up too much for for me

[00:17:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, the respect you start losing you have to love yourself and live for yourself

[00:17:55] [SPEAKER_01]: And then if the match happens, then that's right

[00:17:58] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, you can't it's also like what they say is don't go out looking for it just focus on yourself and then eventually

[00:18:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah

[00:18:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Somebody will find you you wouldn't find them right because you'll be this now shining star, right? Yeah

[00:18:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I had a conversation with my mom

[00:18:14] [SPEAKER_00]: On the way home from the gym before we started recording this. Oh

[00:18:19] [SPEAKER_01]: Now I get it

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_01]: because you came in like on the verge of tears like

[00:18:26] [SPEAKER_01]: You were

[00:18:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah

[00:18:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Going through it

[00:18:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Spiraling as you said. Well, it's difficult because as much as I wish I could completely openly

[00:18:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Tell everybody exactly what's going on. Like I can't I just feel like it's summer. I feel like

[00:18:43] [SPEAKER_00]: people

[00:18:44] [SPEAKER_00]: need to check out of work mode

[00:18:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and

[00:18:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I just people don't do shit the way that I would do shit and that's annoying sometimes

[00:18:54] [SPEAKER_00]: That's like as plainly as I can put it

[00:18:56] [SPEAKER_00]: It's like if you're gonna commit to something and do something shut the fuck up and do it make it happen like

[00:19:01] [SPEAKER_00]: You know

[00:19:02] [SPEAKER_00]: And so i'm dealing with some frustrations around that which prompted the call for me to my mom

[00:19:07] [SPEAKER_00]: About like what the fuck am I doing with my life?

[00:19:10] [SPEAKER_00]: And why do I feel like i'm just banging my head against a wall?

[00:19:12] [SPEAKER_00]: And again, the same answer was just like you need to just like she gave you in hawaii. You just need to be happy

[00:19:18] [SPEAKER_00]: And it's like okay, but then how do you be happy?

[00:19:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Without the external stuff that you think needs

[00:19:24] [SPEAKER_00]: To be there to make you happy

[00:19:26] [SPEAKER_00]: You're like I would be happy if a b and c and people are like well

[00:19:30] [SPEAKER_00]: You can't be happy with a b and c because you have to be happy before to create a b and c

[00:19:35] [SPEAKER_00]: And I get the philosophy in that. I understand that it makes sense

[00:19:38] [SPEAKER_00]: and

[00:19:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Everybody's like so just be at home and be with your kid and like be so happy and like go play and like i'm like

[00:19:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm doing all that stuff

[00:19:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I am doing all that stuff and I am very happy with all the little moments that I

[00:19:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Have with him where he starts talking and we get to play

[00:19:54] [SPEAKER_00]: but when i've been doing that for

[00:19:57] [SPEAKER_00]: a year plus

[00:19:59] [SPEAKER_00]: i'm ready for the external stuff that I

[00:20:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Really want to dig into

[00:20:05] [SPEAKER_00]: to

[00:20:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Show up so that I can have a balance between both

[00:20:10] [SPEAKER_00]: And then I feel guilty for saying that why do you feel guilty for saying that?

[00:20:15] [SPEAKER_01]: You shouldn't feel guilty for saying that because

[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_01]: He's going to respect you more a

[00:20:21] [SPEAKER_01]: B

[00:20:22] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, you're not going to be able to live alone on just

[00:20:28] [SPEAKER_01]: The sales of the books like you, you know, it's got to progress to something

[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_01]: otherwise it's gonna have to come up with a new book right like

[00:20:37] [SPEAKER_01]: Spirit he like universally I believe knows that you need to do that. I certainly do

[00:20:44] [SPEAKER_01]: You certainly do

[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_01]: So, I don't know. It's I think

[00:20:48] [SPEAKER_00]: The moms that are listening probably understand. It's just an internal

[00:20:54] [SPEAKER_00]: guilt struggle

[00:20:56] [SPEAKER_00]: that like

[00:20:58] [SPEAKER_00]: It's almost like you feel like the world's looking at you and they're like well, why isn't your kid enough?

[00:21:05] [SPEAKER_01]: Well because yeah, okay

[00:21:07] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean if this is 1950s and like you weren't working and you were at home and you were like having these no but for the

[00:21:13] [SPEAKER_00]: happiness, yeah

[00:21:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Because you're not wired that way I know that

[00:21:21] [SPEAKER_03]: and I feel

[00:21:23] [SPEAKER_03]: guilty

[00:21:24] [SPEAKER_01]: For that. I understand what i'm saying. I understand that

[00:21:29] [SPEAKER_01]: And I think you should sit in that guilt

[00:21:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Until it goes away so it naturally just goes away which eventually it will

[00:21:37] [SPEAKER_01]: You don't want to sit in the guilt of that too long

[00:21:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Because then it'll harbor other feelings

[00:21:44] [SPEAKER_01]: resentment and certain things

[00:21:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Could come with that in my opinion actually no in my personal experience

[00:21:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Also, if anyone is like a leech if anyone is dealing with their toddler trying to consistently stand up in the high chair

[00:22:00] [SPEAKER_00]: um and has any

[00:22:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Recommendations on how to stop that. Please. Let me know well seatbelt, of course

[00:22:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, no obviously but like that doesn't stop him from wanting to stand up and then getting frustrated when he can't yeah when he's knows

[00:22:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Damn, well that he's going in to do his favorite thing of all time and that's eat. He's so cute

[00:22:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah chicken monkey

[00:22:30] [SPEAKER_00]: it's such a fucked up thing like i'm like

[00:22:33] [SPEAKER_00]: the it's you like

[00:22:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, my adrenals are out. I can feel it. I'm crying it like fucking everything. Um, you feel this like

[00:22:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Like need and want to go

[00:22:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Have drinks with your girlfriends or go to the gym or have some time away

[00:22:49] [SPEAKER_00]: And then the second you are away and doing that i'm like looking at pictures and like

[00:22:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Thinking about him and like missing him really fucked up how they like wired this whole situation

[00:23:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Like I don't know who planned it, but they should have done a better job. Just saying

[00:23:06] [SPEAKER_01]: My life has been so freaking busy

[00:23:10] [SPEAKER_01]: Like lately that I don't even have time to like look at my pictures

[00:23:14] [SPEAKER_01]: I just am go go go and i'm pretty like tired about yeah, which is what what what brings us back to like

[00:23:21] [SPEAKER_00]: why don't we sell the house and move and

[00:23:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Just like kind of say fuck it

[00:23:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Fine, but like would we be bored? Well, if we lived in portugal, why would we have to go?

[00:23:33] [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't have to be permanent. We can just go for a year and do what with our dogs

[00:23:37] [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, right if we

[00:23:39] [SPEAKER_00]: lived in portugal and our only like

[00:23:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Thing that we had to do

[00:23:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Every day was like get up go to the beach go to lunch

[00:23:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Go to dinner. Well, how would we make money?

[00:23:53] [SPEAKER_00]: well, okay

[00:23:55] [SPEAKER_00]: sign like

[00:23:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I mean I you know

[00:23:58] [SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot of my stuff I can do remotely from anywhere and it's like passive I can do that

[00:24:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I can do some to some of my and it's so much cheaper

[00:24:06] [SPEAKER_00]: In the places we've been talking about it would be

[00:24:09] [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, we don't need to go into our financials right now

[00:24:11] [SPEAKER_01]: No, I know I didn't want to go into the financials

[00:24:13] [SPEAKER_01]: But the way you were saying it is like okay, we just have to get up and like, you know, there's work involved

[00:24:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but like not

[00:24:19] [SPEAKER_01]: A lot pretty much. Okay

[00:24:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I mean not like it is here

[00:24:24] [SPEAKER_01]: Right

[00:24:27] [SPEAKER_03]: Like would we be bored?

[00:24:29] [SPEAKER_01]: No

[00:24:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think we would be bored. I think like

[00:24:33] [SPEAKER_01]: As long as within like let's say we're talking a year

[00:24:37] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think we would be bored as long as we're still exploring our creativity

[00:24:41] [SPEAKER_01]: That needs to come out, you know

[00:24:44] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean

[00:24:45] [SPEAKER_01]: As long as i'm still able to act and audition and like then fly over here and shoot something

[00:24:51] [SPEAKER_01]: As hopefully, you know directing wise you can be doing the same things. So like, you know

[00:24:57] [SPEAKER_01]: As long as that is still at the forefront

[00:25:00] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't necessarily think it matters. It just means a longer flight to get to that

[00:25:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Situation, but you know, I don't I don't think we would be bored

[00:25:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Especially if we're only you know there for I think it would be adventurous and fun

[00:25:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but like I don't know if like that's the move to go be like we're just gonna do this for a year

[00:25:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know not that this is the place or the time that we are going to figure this out

[00:25:24] [SPEAKER_01]: We've been talking about this for years. Well, and also we have things

[00:25:28] [SPEAKER_01]: That are keeping us here, you know, so

[00:25:32] [SPEAKER_00]: The dogs are one. Yeah, pity mimpin

[00:25:36] [SPEAKER_01]: Can you imagine pity mimpin on a plane? No, I can imagine pity mimpin in portugal though

[00:25:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Living his best life on the beach. He'd be like, hey, what's up you portuguese?

[00:25:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Portugal pity mimpin

[00:25:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god

[00:25:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Uh

[00:25:54] [SPEAKER_00]: we normally on these episodes do relationship like or

[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_00]: You know when people write in with their like things or problems and I just don't have it in me today

[00:26:03] [SPEAKER_00]: so

[00:26:04] [SPEAKER_01]: I always like that part. Well, I get it

[00:26:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I get it trying to honor myself here

[00:26:11] [SPEAKER_00]: um

[00:26:13] [SPEAKER_00]: what

[00:26:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Can you leave everybody with for kind of like a closing if you're feeling like i'm feeling?

[00:26:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Mercury retrograde what the fuck vibes a little tidbit to leave everybody with I don't believe in astrology

[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Says the gemini

[00:26:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Look I think if you just i'm only speaking to myself because

[00:26:37] [SPEAKER_01]: Wasn't it just a couple?

[00:26:40] [SPEAKER_01]: About a month ago prior to this we were on a podcast and I was in fucking shambles and you were like

[00:26:44] [SPEAKER_01]: Should we not do it and i'm like no let's do it now

[00:26:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Right, like I get real fucking you know, I have these moments as well

[00:26:52] [SPEAKER_01]: Mine aren't driven by hormones or whatever mine are driven by other things. I think a zoom out

[00:26:58] [SPEAKER_01]: is my brother told me that one time and I

[00:27:01] [SPEAKER_01]: I swear to god I will

[00:27:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Always hold on to that

[00:27:06] [SPEAKER_01]: It's kind of the same thing of like, you know, like look at what we do have and what we are doing now

[00:27:14] [SPEAKER_01]: Regardless that should always be you know, your mom in your mom's words. It's go to your love place

[00:27:20] [SPEAKER_01]: right the other thing is that

[00:27:23] [SPEAKER_01]: This too shall pass

[00:27:26] [SPEAKER_01]: You know

[00:27:28] [SPEAKER_00]: This too this moment but like will it pass in a week will it pass in a month? I just would like a schedule

[00:27:36] [SPEAKER_01]: That's the fucking part that drives me right up

[00:27:39] The wall

[00:27:40] [SPEAKER_01]: That's the impatience. What is that meme?

[00:27:42] [SPEAKER_00]: That's like patience that you were talking about I would love to go with the flow

[00:27:44] [SPEAKER_00]: But if we if we could just get a what time will the flow be starting how big will the flow be occurring?

[00:27:51] [SPEAKER_01]: I know in the second you were like you guess what? I don't give a shit about the schedule

[00:27:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't give a shit about when it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen

[00:27:59] [SPEAKER_01]: It's the same thing about finding a guy or a girl. You're like i'm gonna finally focus on myself and then a week later

[00:28:05] [SPEAKER_01]: There there they are

[00:28:07] [SPEAKER_00]: I guess it's just difficult for me to come on and

[00:28:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Preach educate talk about what the fuck ever I do on this podcast because like

[00:28:18] [SPEAKER_00]: It's not like I went to school for any of this

[00:28:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Or like licensed to be giving any of this advice, but it has felt lately it has felt fraughty

[00:28:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Because I have been so in it to then come on and be like

[00:28:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Talking about focusing on the positive and subconscious beliefs and like running the blocks

[00:28:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Like I agree with everything you just said

[00:28:40] [SPEAKER_00]: And I know that that's accurate and correct, but i'm also

[00:28:44] [SPEAKER_00]: But i'm also like and fuck all that. Yeah, you're not gonna do a goddamn

[00:28:48] [SPEAKER_01]: so

[00:28:49] [SPEAKER_01]: You're gonna be like, okay

[00:28:50] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll be more patient and then go and sit and like twiddle your thumbs and be like they better call me tomorrow

[00:28:55] [SPEAKER_01]: They better go, you know, I get that but I mean

[00:28:59] [SPEAKER_01]: What are you gonna you know?

[00:29:01] [SPEAKER_00]: No, i'm in agreement with everything you just said i'm just saying

[00:29:06] [SPEAKER_00]: That is where I am at right now

[00:29:09] [SPEAKER_00]: and like

[00:29:10] [SPEAKER_00]: You know trying to be transparent

[00:29:12] [SPEAKER_00]: about doing the show like

[00:29:14] [SPEAKER_01]: first of all

[00:29:16] [SPEAKER_01]: don't think you should think about all the people thinking like

[00:29:19] [SPEAKER_01]: judging you and being like why can't you find your happy place with your son and

[00:29:23] [SPEAKER_01]: Like dude, we're going through we go like the last two

[00:29:27] [SPEAKER_01]: Or maybe that was one before that the last two episodes we've done has not been

[00:29:34] [SPEAKER_00]: All fucking peaches and cream. No, I you know, I don't really care about people judging me

[00:29:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I most of the people that listen to this show. I feel like are

[00:29:43] [SPEAKER_00]: friends and some but not

[00:29:45] [SPEAKER_00]: It came out really weird not like my actual friends that like i've grown up with that are listening to this show

[00:29:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Right people that support me and readers and listeners that support me enough to where I would like call them

[00:29:58] [SPEAKER_00]: extensions of

[00:29:59] [SPEAKER_00]: friends and community and I also just don't really give a fuck if people feel that way I

[00:30:04] [SPEAKER_00]: stated all of that because i'm hoping and assuming that there are people listening to that that are going to resonate with it and not

[00:30:11] [SPEAKER_00]: feel as

[00:30:13] [SPEAKER_00]: alone in

[00:30:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Them feeling that way. Yeah

[00:30:17] [SPEAKER_00]: And for some reason whenever I get on here and cry and i'm like, I just don't see the point in life anymore

[00:30:22] [SPEAKER_00]: What the fuck am I even doing? Everyone's like this is my favorite episode. Thanks for airing yourself crying for 20 minutes

[00:30:27] [SPEAKER_00]: right, so

[00:30:29] [SPEAKER_00]: You know

[00:30:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Here we are guys. Here we are. I personally think you're doing great babe. Thanks, babe

[00:30:35] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you really are you're you're like such an amazing mom

[00:30:39] [SPEAKER_01]: and you're the most ambitious person and it falls right in line with you being impatient and

[00:30:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Those are all the things that like create the most successful person

[00:30:50] [SPEAKER_01]: And you know, I just see you with our son and I see you with

[00:30:55] [SPEAKER_01]: My daughter and it's really amazing to watch and thanks babe don't let them

[00:31:01] [SPEAKER_01]: See that side

[00:31:04] [SPEAKER_01]: I see it, but you don't let them see it. And I think that's pretty special

[00:31:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks, babe. Yeah

[00:31:10] [SPEAKER_00]: well when I was talking to my mom what her and I ended up getting to when we were doing some work around it was

[00:31:18] [SPEAKER_00]: that

[00:31:18] [SPEAKER_00]: i'm so close to

[00:31:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Achieving a lot of what would be looked at is like the big stuff and ambitions in my life

[00:31:27] [SPEAKER_00]: That my little girl is pulling back and going like no. No, I can't

[00:31:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Do that because it's going to be taken away from me like it was taken away from my mom

[00:31:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Which without going into the details of what that actually means

[00:31:40] [SPEAKER_00]: at one point my mom

[00:31:43] [SPEAKER_00]: had a lot of things taken away from her and I

[00:31:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Was witnessing that

[00:31:49] [SPEAKER_00]: As a little girl

[00:31:51] [SPEAKER_00]: So, I guess that makes sense

[00:31:55] [SPEAKER_00]: And she was like you don't have to

[00:31:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Repeat that pattern. You don't have to

[00:32:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's not my life. Like you're supposed to go beyond that right?

[00:32:06] [SPEAKER_01]: As a matter of fact, you're more inclined to

[00:32:08] [SPEAKER_01]: Make the switch right so it doesn't happen. Yeah smart people healing the generational trauma if you will

[00:32:14] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh

[00:32:15] [SPEAKER_00]: bridging that gap so if you are

[00:32:19] [SPEAKER_00]: experiencing

[00:32:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Something like I am right now

[00:32:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Look at your parents look at what you were witnessing when you were young and see what your little person inside you might be

[00:32:29] [SPEAKER_00]: screaming about or in fear of or trying to get you to pay attention to my little boy is

[00:32:35] [SPEAKER_01]: Constantly yelling at me about just everything

[00:32:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Just all of it

[00:32:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Our little boy or our child no my little boy my little or our child

[00:32:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Well both it could be

[00:32:50] [SPEAKER_00]: On that note guys, I love you. Thank you for being here as always

[00:32:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know where this journey is about to take us but I will keep you posted as we go and you will be the first

[00:32:59] [SPEAKER_00]: to uh

[00:33:00] [SPEAKER_00]: To know when I figure out my shit and decide anything and I have to pee

[00:33:07] [SPEAKER_01]: Love you guys

[00:33:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for that

[00:33:10] [SPEAKER_01]: All right, we'll see you next week. Bye

[00:33:17] [SPEAKER_00]: All right fmlers if you don't want to miss an episode make sure to follow on your favorite podcast app

[00:33:23] [SPEAKER_00]: And if you're loving the show drop us a five star rating and leave a review

[00:33:27] [SPEAKER_00]: You can keep up with me on instagram at gabrielle stone or the podcast page at fml talk podcast

[00:33:34] [SPEAKER_00]: For all the merch and books signed personally by me. You can shop the fml line on eat pray fml

[00:33:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Dot com and as always have a fucking self-love cocktail on me. Cheers

[00:33:54] [SPEAKER_00]: This podcast has been brought to you by podcast nation