Episode 286 - Monkey fun with Oz

[00:00:04] It's time to feel the rage! Welcome to Film Rage where we talk movies, in theaters, streaming, and classic films as well. Directors and actors, beware as you cannot hide from the rage. My name is Bryce and I'm part of the Film Rage crew which also includes Jim. Hey there Jim. Oh! Hey hey Bryce! That was way too enthusiastic. I'm counting on Murph to bring this down a little. Hey Murph, how's it going man?

[00:00:32] Yo. There we go, that's what I need. I don't need this, hey hey Bryce! At any rate. That's what he always says. I know. I'm always excited. Yeah you're too excited. Always. You realize that we're doing an episode today. Oh sorry, right. Gotta be serious. Film Rage is all about seriousness. Are we really? I am. Oh yes Bryce. Thank you. So with the introductions out of the way, let's rage on.

[00:01:01] All right, well thanks to all been supporting us. If you love our independent podcast or even just like it a little bit, please like, subscribe, share, and give us a five-star rating on your listening platform. Or support us and join the Film Rage community by joining our membership at buymeacoffee.com forward slash Film Rage YYC. If you cannot commit to a membership, you can still buy us a movie rental and dare us to see a terrible film. Or at least one that we think is terrible. And as long as it played in the cinema anywhere in the world, we'll watch it. Yeah, we will. Now, let's get to Raging!

[00:01:38] What amazing man I predict, what amazing man I predict, what amazing man I predict, what major will he predict the mondo? Will he tell us all what Jim and Brass are at the movies? Better watch out, kids, cause here he comes. Swimming like a monkey for you. Swim, monkey Murray, swim.

[00:02:00] Swim, rice? Swim, Murray, swim. Swim all the way through our hearts and little hearts. I think I missed my cue. You missed all your cues. Do monkeys swim? Monkeys can definitely swim. I've never seen monkeys swim. Monkeys love to swim. Monkeys are awesome. Monkeys are the swimmiest swimmers that have ever swum. Speaking of monkeys. Yes. We went to see some monkeys. We did. A bad little monkey. We see a lot of monkeys.

[00:02:29] Not the 60s band, but... No. Just a bad little monkey. Yeah, like I think every episode we've had since January... There's a lot of monkeys. A lot of monkey movies. Has a monkey. There's like nothing but monkey. Yes. Okay, The Monkey. Right. Yes. Which was a horror slash comedy. Yes. As opposed to horror slash horror. Yes. Which are not often that good. Right. Sometimes they're awesome.

[00:02:59] I don't know. We had some fun. There were some laughs to be had. There were definitely some laughs. People were getting their heads cut off by various things. There was like decapitations like you wouldn't believe. Everywhere. Everywhere you looked, someone's head was flying off. I mean, it's a movie. It has a monkey in it and it's got killing. I think Jim might have given it a mondo. Yes. Yes. And I think Bryce, maybe not as much. Maybe just a high meh. All right. I was having a good time, bro.

[00:03:27] Then we had... How could I tell you? You're like four seats over. Hiding in the weeds. With your war wound. Yes. That was the funniest. We'll talk about that later. Well, the fact that we sat at the very top row and Bryce is hobbling. Get all the way up there, puts down his popcorn and drink and then hobbles all the way back down again and go to the bathroom. That was the funny part. That was the funniest part of the whole movie. You guys also saw something called Unbreakable Boy. Yes. Yes.

[00:03:57] Watching the trailer, I'm convinced it's 100% a conversion film. Because if there wasn't some heavy-duty prank going on with that kid, I don't know. Let's call 70%. You look pretty religious to me. It was conversion-y, but it wasn't like super conversion film. With Mr. Shazam himself. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I can't see this being anything but a double rage. Really? Yeah. I don't think you would have liked it.

[00:04:25] You know how much we love American acting kids? Conversion films? Yeah, sure. And conversion films? It's not a conversion film. Ish. I don't know. I think it was. But you didn't see it. I saw the trailer. That was all I had to see. That's right. Whatever. Anyways. Jeebus does make an appearance. No. Well, there's a... Whatever. Doesn't matter. We're going to start with the monkey. Uh-huh. Eee! Eee! The Monkey is about a...

[00:04:55] Don't call it a toy. Monkey. That once you wind him up and he starts beating his drum, someone dies. Now, while we do get a lot of Final Destination type kills, it is a very different film than that. Way different. Because in that film, Final Destination, you can break death cycle and there is hope for you to survive. And the monkey is made very clear. And the monkey is made very clear early on that everybody dies. Everybody's screwed.

[00:05:24] And there is no loophole. Nope. And it is probably going to be a pretty dramatic and gooey death. This seems like director-writer Oss Perkins wanted to take a break from the depths of his previous films and just make a good old-fashioned ultra-entertaining splatterfest. And that is exactly what this was. Now, while it is based on the Stephen King short story, it has upped the ante with both humor and horror.

[00:05:55] Basically, the film is about two twin brothers who encounter a, don't call it a toy, monkey that when it gets wound up, death is soon to follow. Now, you can bury it or chop it into pieces, but it does not matter as it always comes back. It is not particular about who it kills, but the person that turns the key seems safe. That's it. That's the movie.

[00:06:20] I mean, there's a lot of family dynamic stuff with estranged brothers and father-son relationships. But basically, this is a little over 90 minutes of people dying in unique and extremely juicy ways. Now, I could go into the fact that Oss Perkins' mom died in one of the 9-11 plane crashes and how that probably adds many layers to the meaning of this.

[00:06:44] And, you know, to Oss Perkins, that is probably true. But all I know is I had a good old-fashioned great time watching this from start to finish. This was so much fun. To give it anything but a mondo would be a crime. I enjoyed it too much. There's probably some stuff in it where I could have picked it apart, but why would I?

[00:07:13] It was too much fun. It was mondo. There you go. All right. So, The Monkey. Sorry. The Monkey. Is that serious enough for you? The Monkey. Make it quick. I'm watching Switchback. Okay. So, we got another horror comedy from the always awesome Oss Perkins. And in my opinion, he puts humor in everything he does. Because it's layered in there.

[00:07:40] And lots of times, it's pretty, pretty dry. Man, he's so close to being undoubted. Yeah. Well, he's got to get to eight. Yeah. He's only three away. Yeah. Where we have the most extreme sibling rivalry that's ever existed. Not since Cain and Abel has there been as extreme competition between two brothers.

[00:08:04] But in this tale, the agent of destruction, as Bryce has already alluded to, is an evil toy monkey. Wait. Sorry. You're not supposed to call it a toy. Doll. The monkey doesn't like that. No. Apparently not. This has at times. We were told that many times. Many times. And I may repeat it again. Don't call it a toy. And Murray may also repeat it. Who knows?

[00:08:28] This has at times the driest level of deadpan humor that possibly has ever existed in some of the most extreme and humorous deaths of any, and I'm putting in heavy quotes here, accidental deaths in moviedom. Like, head on fire followed by impaled on mailbox, cannonball to the head, accidental shotgun to the head, school bus cheerleaders, semi truck, hands out the window, and my personal favorite,

[00:08:57] the Ginsu Cleaver Tempanyaki accident. I haven't had this much fun watching innocent people dying in a movie in quite some time. Now, we have our two twin brothers that find their dad's wind up toy monkey. Sorry, monkey. Where one brother who is a total asshole basically bullies and terrorizes his brother, even to the point of having mean girls at the school bully him because he's not getting enough bullying. Yeah, he's not getting enough bullying. He's not getting enough bullying.

[00:09:27] He has to employ a bunch of hot girls to beat the crap out of his brother too. Mean girls is what they are. The other brother, on the other hand, is more meek and mild and ultimately is one who discovers that this evil monkey is killing people when you wind the key in the back of the monkey. Soon, a lot of people they love all start dying off, which makes them decide to finally get rid of this monkey by throwing it down a well.

[00:09:54] I bet you can guess that this did not go well for all of them. Is there a metaphor there? Monkey didn't like that either. I don't think the monkey liked that either. He didn't like getting chopped up either, but no. He did some of that. Fast forward to adulthood. Meek and mild brother has a shitty life, an ex-wife, and a son he is trying to avoid in fear that he will become accidental monkey fodder.

[00:10:20] Another death brings the brothers back together after 10 years of not seeing each other in a showdown of epic proportions. This movie is hilarious and gory, and as much as I never think that Oz can outdo himself from the movie I saw before this, this one is also one of the best times I've had in a cinema chair from a horror movie in a very long while. It is super, super mondo.

[00:10:49] I've got someone packing, but what's the merg I think? Because the merg got to see monkey with us. So he could practice his monkey swims. People may know I'm not exactly a big horror movie fan. No, but you do love horror comedies. Most horror films start at a rage and occasionally make it to a meh. That's true. One sure way for this to happen is to make it funny as opposed to scary, which it rarely ever is. The Monkey is one of those films.

[00:11:18] Yeah, the plot was stupid and the acting wasn't great, but all could be forgiven for some really creative and bloody kills. This movie had that to the max. Just when I thought it couldn't be any more outrageous, the next body gets chopped up brilliantly in a new way. Oh yeah, there was a major lag in the middle. I guess every story needs a boring exposition and unnecessary explanation.

[00:11:47] That didn't happen in the second one of the Halloween ones. No, but it happened in this movie. Evil dies tonight. There was a giant lull right there. Trying to forget it, Jim. There was a good, what, 20, 30 minutes between kills there in the middle? That was too much time. Ah, whatever. Luckily, the bloody action more than made up for it. This was never going to be a mondo. But for a horror film, I didn't even want to see. It was a decent man. All right.

[00:12:13] So can we unpack the level of awesomeness from these deaths? Yeah. They're just like every single one was almost as outrageous as one. Well, the mother one wasn't that. That was too sad. But... Which one was it? How did the mother... Oh yeah. She just like keeled over. Yeah. Brain animism. Brain animism. But she didn't get chopped up or decapitated. Yeah, but I mean, the monkey traumatized the son for seeing it.

[00:12:42] For 20 years. And also, because the one brother... Here's a spoiler, everybody. The one brother tries to kill the other brother, so he spins it, but instead it kills his mom. Yeah. Which kind of makes... You don't tell the monkey who to kill. Because he didn't know the rules. The monkey tells you who he's going to kill. And the monkey don't really care. Nope. Yeah. As long as he's killing somebody. Yep. But you know you're in for a treat right from the very beginning when the very first opening

[00:13:11] scene is the dad going in to give this monkey away. Yeah, but it doesn't actually show what happened to him. No, I know you don't see what happens. He left. He gave that monkey and ran the fuck out of there. Yeah, no. He took the flamethrower to it and then you never see him again. Yeah, no. Well, because he escaped. Hey, and how about the Elijah Wood cameo? Yeah. The five minute scene? Yeah, that he was like credited as part of the movie. I'm like, five minutes is all we get? You know what? Sometimes that's all you need. Sometimes you just need a little taste. Yeah. Because he stole his power.

[00:13:40] He stole his power. That was so good. If you have even five minutes of Elijah Wood, you count yourself lucky. Absolutely. That's enough to make a movie Mondo in my opinion. Yeah. Oh, man. It doesn't matter what he's in. This was just so much fun. Love this movie. Go see the monkey. Yeah. You know, it's funny because I've heard a couple people talk about it. It's like, oh, it's not really all that funny. And I'm like, what are you talking about?

[00:14:05] This was like the driest, like at points, some of the driest bone dry humor. Yeah. That was so funny. I don't think this movie went three minutes without a laugh. Yeah. I don't think so either. And usually it's like, usually you're laughing all the way to the next laugh. Yeah. Because you haven't stopped laughing from the previous kill. Like the bee kill. The bee kill. It was so outrageous. Yeah. Two inch hole in the windshield. You had a thousand bees.

[00:14:34] The entire hive got right through it. Very, very. They were organized. They knew where they were going and they were on a mission. They flew to the moon slash his face. Yes. Oh, every character. Right into one of his face holes. Was so good. Maybe a few, actually. That was just the moment. All right. Anything else? No, it was just real good. Go watch it. I loved it. Yeah, I did too. Well, no. There's nothing he's made that hasn't been. No, it's just ridiculous.

[00:15:04] Oz Perkins is five for five. Yeah. Like literally five for five. And the Black Coat's daughter is so different than anything else. The Black Coat's daughter is excellent. I am the pretty thing that lives in the house is excellent. Gretel and Hansel is excellent. Long Legs is excellent. The Monke is excellent. It's just. It's Mondo. It's so good. So, so good.

[00:15:29] Well, we're going to go from so good to a movie called The Unbreakable Boy. So, we got a narrator by a 13-year-old boy and is the filter for this movie. I mean, you know, if you're getting a filter of what's happening to a story filtered by a 13-year-old, you are in for trouble right from the first two minutes that you're watching this. Yipperoo.

[00:15:59] Now, he's not always the narrator, though. Which I didn't understand. And what can only be described as a film not for me in any way. Oh, really? And the dad played by Zachary Levi. But he has an imaginary friend as an adult. So, at no point did this also make sense. And no, this is not where Jeebus comes in. And no, his imaginary friend is not Jesus.

[00:16:27] Which, although I think Jesus, I think may be some people's imaginary friend. In this story, it isn't, though. And upon learning this, I also realized this is not going to be a film for me. And this is maybe 10 minutes into the film. And we get scene after scene after scene of some of the most predictable, unoriginal, and annoying writing I've seen since the last Christian conversion film.

[00:16:57] I saw. Wait. Is this a spoiler? No, it's not. Because you know, as soon as you know who this was produced by, you know there's going to be some form of conversion in it. Because before we bought our tickets, we knew that this was produced by the Kingdom Story Company. So, we knew we were in for some trouble. Now, all that being said, watching this kid break every bone in his body every five minutes was actually kind of fun.

[00:17:27] And Bryce and I were kind of laughing at that more than anything else. Like, bring on the breakage. Yeah. Let's just get a blooper reel of that. Well, not even just a reel of that. Yeah. If we had a 10-minute reel of just him breaking every bone in his body, that would have been good. We went from watching people die in humorous and fantastical ways to watching this Christian conversion film put in this kid that was almost dying every five minutes.

[00:17:53] So, apparently we were getting off on watching people get tortured, I guess. I also did not understand how a person, the kid's mom, who has a genetic disease where their bones break, would go through life and not get their baby tested when it's born. Or even the doctors, for that matter, just naturally do it. Like, it's not like the kids, like, it's not like the story took place 50 years ago where they didn't have tests.

[00:18:19] And they knew as soon as they did some simple blood test on the kid that he had this disorder. And then they don't know that their kid is on the spectrum until he's, like, five. These parents were complete morons. Plus, they basically never talk to each other and have no clue what's happening in each other's lives through the entire movie. And we get basically no character development other than that the mom is breakable because of her disease and the dad is an alcoholic.

[00:18:47] These are their only traits, Marie. I'm breakable and you're an alcoholic. Yeah. These characters were as paper thin as you can get. They have their faith. Yeah. Yeah, but it doesn't really do anything for them. Yeah, it doesn't really. Because it's faith. It's not magic. It's not magic. Yeah, for sure. And then every single thing that happens is predictable, expected, exactly what you think. And then Jesus brings everybody together happily ever after at the end of this.

[00:19:17] And then we learn it is really based on a true story, Marie. Was it? I'm guessing written. Was there a QR code at the end? No, there wasn't. No, there wasn't. There was no QR code on this one. But I'm guessing it was maybe written by the 13-year-old narrator because we see the real life people. Yeah. What's the actual fault? It's actually based on a novel by the father. Yeah. Which is supposed to be just an account of his life.

[00:19:43] And that's part of the problem of this movie is it just goes right along with every little thing. It wouldn't have mattered. I mean, it's going to suck. Go on and then I'll talk. I have no clue why anybody would think this was interesting or entertaining at all. Between the annoying kid all the way through this or the atypical Christian redemption film. 97% on the popcorn meter, Jim. Yeah. Atypical Christian redemption film. Of course. Critics, it's 43%.

[00:20:08] You mean all 97 church-going religious people went to see it and loved it. 250 plus verified ratings. That's right. So the only good thing about this movie, Marie, is that I set my timer because we know what Bryce is like when he's in a movie and he's boiling in an uncontrollable rage. And he was already crippled. So I was just waiting for the moment. I was waiting for the time where he had to start pacing through the cinema.

[00:20:36] I was like, what is going on? And he's shaking his arms and falling down the stairs. And I'm just laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing at Bryce. It was literally as much fun as I had in The Monkey. Watching Bryce watching this movie was almost as fun. But it's a rage because this movie is horrible. The movie is horrible. There's nothing that makes any... Like, there's no way that you have... Your mom has a rare bone disease.

[00:21:07] And you're not going to get your kid tested when all he does is cry. I realize babies cry. But this was excessive. And there's no way you're not going to take it to the doctor. And the doctor's going to go, oh, wait a second. You've actually got... It's so dumb. Like, the kid breaks its ribs when it's born. And they can't figure out. And that's fine. You know, you're not going to figure that out right off the bat. But the fact that it doesn't stop crying... Even if it came out and was a perfect birth, you still think that they would test it. Test it, yes.

[00:21:36] It makes no sense whatsoever. If the mother has it, you think they would test it. Yes, it's a genetic disease. Before it ever left the hospital. Yes. So that you know that you got to watch your kid. Because if he steps off a curb, he's going to break his ankle. And this kid was stepping off curbs the whole movie. He was clumsy is what you're saying. Yeah, it was ridiculous. So anyways, the movie... Like, this was like dread porn. It's like, you got that. You got the alcoholic father. The mother can break bones easily, even though she's jumping around the living room like an idiot. Yeah.

[00:22:05] You've got the bully at school. I mean, it's just like... It just kept on piling on and piling on. And then you got the... The only thing that... Like, I can't believe that when he drove home drunk, he didn't actually... Well, I guess he did drive into a tree. But I mean, just like... Everything was just dread on time. And I love dread. But not when it's just... Ugh. Like, I... This movie just wouldn't stop. And it went on and on.

[00:22:35] It was two hours. It's called The Unbreakable Boy. But... So why do I care about all these frickin' AA meetings? And this... These idiot parents... Like, it wasn't going to be any better if we focused on this annoying little kid. But it wasn't going to be any worse. Because I... I just... I hated this movie. Start to finish. Zachary Levi. I don't care what you guys say. This guy is frickin' repulsive. My God.

[00:23:04] Purple Crayon Boy or whatever the hell that was called. It was awesome. Repulsive. He was repulsive in this. He was repulsive in the second Shazam. He was even repulsive in Shazam. Even though Shazam was at least well written. And it was pretty good, the first one. But he was not the reason why. This guy is awful. And he continues to be awful. And I'm sorry. He was awful in that Kurt Warner movie, too. Repulsive!

[00:23:32] That was a religious conversion film. Yeah, well, I know it was. Apparently that's... Because that's... Warner's all about the Jesus, for sure. He is. Yeah, I realize that. He's also my favorite all-time NFL player. Hey, on that level, cool. They made a bad movie, man. I didn't mind it. But it has nothing to do with that. This guy is just repulsive. He was my favorite of all of Zachary Levi's movies, I can tell you that. And that... I think that speaks volumes right there. He even ruined Thor. At any rate, this movie is absolutely unwatchable.

[00:24:02] Please do not give this frickin' movie a penny. It is garbage. If you're listening to our podcast, and you're really a heavy-duty Christian... Well, if you're into... You may enjoy it. If you're into, like, dread porn, then I guess watch this, because it's just... It's all... It's all just ridiculous. Like, what else can happen to this idiot family? I know. Every single move they make... The one that got me was that they didn't talk to each other at all. And he's got an imaginary freakin' friend for...

[00:24:32] Not the kid! The dad! Like, what? How does that add anything to this? Any value to this? Yeah, and yet... My God! And at the end, we find out he still has it. The real-life person still has... Yeah. Well, and then towards the end, Jim Titsby, so... He's like, well, he's obviously gonna get together with the priest, and then they're gonna have a little... I spelled... And then he's gotta get back together with his imaginary friend at some point. Because he broke up with his imaginary friend. Because he broke up with his imaginary friend.

[00:25:02] But what does that have to do with the Unbreakable Boy, you might ask? Who knows? They needed to make this movie six hours long, I guess. So they just kept on putting crap in it that didn't add anything to anything. I hated this movie. If this doesn't end up on my bottom five of the year, I will be frickin' shocked. Rage! Rage! Rage! Rage! Rage! Nice. Not enough rage.

[00:25:32] That's literally the best thing that's ever happened. My God! What a surprise. I wish I would've recorded Bryce in the theater. Next time I'm gonna do that. And we'll just play that as my review. Sure. Oh, the mer. Well, brace yourself, boys. Zachary Levi's greatest films. I was about to talk about your least favorite topic. Top Gun?

[00:26:01] Award shows. That's not my least favorite topic. It's Jim's. I know. I know. We don't care about them. That's right. I don't. Well, over the weekend, I found one that was highly entertaining and fun. Well, that's this weekend, I think. Oh. The Screen Actors Guild Awards? This little show was called Movies for Grownups. Okay. Sponsored by the AARP. Hey.

[00:26:27] From us Canucks, that's the American Association of Retired Persons. Nice. As a carpy myself, I can totally relate. Unfortunately in Hollywood, there seems to be a perception that actors cease to be employable after they turn 50. We all know that's not true, and this show celebrates that. All right. All right. This award show is hosted by the always entertaining Alan Cumming.

[00:26:57] Yeah, okay. Himself a new addition to the 60-year-old club. That's not very old. He was singing and dancing his way through every award. Fabulous as ever. Nice. Now, the award winners don't really matter, but for the record, Demi Moore, Best Actress for The Substance, Adrian Brody, Best Actor for Brutalist, Peter Sarsgaard, Best Supporting Actor for September 5th, Joan Chen, Best Supporting Actress for Dee Dee.

[00:27:26] Wait, shouldn't these old people be voting? She was awesome in Dee Dee, by the way. Sing Sing won for Best Ensemble. Okay. And Complete Unknown won Best Picture. June Squibb even got an award for Thelma. Of course. At 92 years old. No. And Glenn Close got... She should have gotten an award, but not for Thelma. Anyway. Yes. It's her first leading role in her whole life. She used to be mesmerizing. She was, and then she made Thelma.

[00:27:56] And Glenn Close got a lifetime achievement. Yes. What was so different about this award show is that I'm pretty sure the winners knew ahead of time that they had won. Were there nominations or did they just say... No, there were nominations. There was a list. Oh, there was a list. Okay. But the producers actually got friends and colleagues to introduce them and present them the award. Ah. So that's got to take planning. You can't just call it up. This sounds like the worst thing that's ever happened.

[00:28:23] For example, John Stamos gave Demi her award because they were on a soap opera together. What? Sean Penn gave Peter Sarsgaard his best actor award, et cetera, et cetera. I can't believe everybody showed up for an AARP award show. Glenn Close wasn't there. She was shooting somewhere else. Of course, because Glenn Close is smart. Yeah, because she's got class. Another thing that sets this show apart is there were no commercials. AARP, movies for grownups, good stuff. There were no commercials because it was on PBS. I've watched it. I've watched the movies.

[00:28:52] And it was over in two hours because old people need to pee. Old people do need to pee. This show was just fun from start to finish. Sounds horrible. A true celebration of people that are still relevant in their older years. As somebody who finds themselves competing for manual labor jobs with people half his age, I can appreciate that. Nice. It's not the Oscars. In some ways, it's better. Little side story real quick. Yeah.

[00:29:22] AARP. They had a screening of everywhere. What's it called? Everything Everywhere All at Once. Everything Everywhere All at Once. Yeah. If you watch that movie, the AARP screening with the comments at the side going, because you could actually comment while you're watching the movie with these screenings, right? It was the funniest thing ever because they were like... They had no idea what was going on. They had no idea what was going on. They're like, I can't believe that Jamie Lee Curtis... I love Jamie Lee Curtis, but this is not good.

[00:29:54] I wish I could remember all of them. There were some just genuinely laugh out. Like, I'd already seen the movie, so I was just watching the comments. Yeah. And oh my God, they were hilarious. There you go. Old people are funny. They are. This literally sounds like the worst experience. It was the best. Changing my rage. It was on PBS, so it was educational. There you go. Naturizing. Vision. Blurring.

[00:30:20] So my rage was going to be something completely different, but now it's the fact that that award show that Murray just told me about actually exists.

[00:30:50] It's not enough that I hate every award show because they're all stupid. They're like... It's like a giant circle jerk from a bunch of idiots that... They recognize older actors. That's right. Why would you be against that? Okay, so... I'm sorry. Can you please... Coleman Domingo was there. Can you... Okay, so... I love Coleman Domingo. So is Coleman Domingo over 60? Yeah. He's over 50. He's over 50, not over 60. So are there only people that are nominated for this? Are people that are... Is there like a rule associated with this? Yes. This is already the stupid story.

[00:31:18] The nominees have to be over 50, which is why Timothee Chalamet wasn't nominated. But his movie was. Yeah, I don't understand why that movie was nominated. It was just celebrating old people. Well, because Bob Dylan is still alive and he's old, I guess. All right. This is like... So the rules are loose. That's fine. The fact that award shows exist at all. And then on top of that, here's my biggest rage because... He's only five years older than me. First off, the Oscars is the biggest joke of anything that's ever been created.

[00:31:49] And the only thing that was ever good about the Oscars from the last 20 years... Because I've stopped watching the Oscars 20 years ago. Maybe once I watched it. I don't know why. You watched it with me. I watched it with you. That's why. Because I wanted to be supportive to you. But the only thing that I've ever found good about the Oscars is the musical performances. Remember last year when we talked about it? And you guys were like, oh, you got to go watch It's Ken. You're going to love it. And I did love it. And I did love it.

[00:32:17] The only thing good about the music or the Oscars is the music. And this year they took the music performances out of the Oscars. I'm telling you, man. So now... Taking shots at the AARP is not good news, Jim. It's not cool. I don't care. Not for the oldest person. These old folks, man. Not for the oldest people. Oldest person in this world. You don't want to mess with them, man. I'm in their age group, so... I know. You're the oldest one here. I just don't understand. Oh, dude. I don't understand at all. Why we have so many free-and-work.

[00:32:45] If Alan Cumming hosted the Oscars, it might actually be watchable. There you go. Because Conan O'Brien is not funny. Conan O'Brien is funny. What are you talking about? He's not funny. I'm not going to watch him. He's hilarious. You know what? I like Alan Cumming. But I'll watch him in a movie because, you know what? That's usually good. He's good in everything. He was on Broadway. Yeah. He was on Broadway. Okay. He was. A lot of people were on Broadway that aren't good in everything. But he was good. What does that have to do with anything? He was on Broadway. So he's automatically good.

[00:33:16] Didn't you miss something? Did I miss something? Isn't there an intro to it? This is the intro. No. The actual intro. I did do the intro. Did I miss it? Yes.

[00:33:46] When did that happen? Because you were talking about whatever you were talking about. There's the intro. Then there's his music, which I played. And then there's your music. What is wrong with you right now? Which is what's playing now. I didn't hear rage taking over. Yeah. Did we really hit it? Yes. I've got to listen to this back because I don't believe you. Yeah. Well. Anyways. Go ahead. It's your turn. I've already raged. What do you think that was? Oh, your music. Oh, that's why. Because this is my rage. You are a complete idiot. What are you on?

[00:34:14] In addition to him being crippled, he's also brain damaged as well. See? He's old. My rage is Zachary. Now you see why I don't. Just shut up. My rage is Zachary Levi. That's it. That's it? Okay. This is the reason why old people should be doing this. Just being born in general? Yeah. That's right. That was your rage. Okay. I missed it. What was your rage again? Oh, yeah. You're missing a lot of things. It was award shows again. Well, it's mostly that the Oscars took out the music. Just you wait because the big one's on Sunday.

[00:34:43] Oh, is that this week? Yeah. Oh, that's exciting for somebody. I'm sure you're going to put some money on something. No. I've got a dollar in my Pinnacle account, man. I don't want to put anything on anything. There you go. Bet a dollar. I went and did a stupid parlay in the Super Bowl instead of just betting the Eagles to win. I even made the Eagles like three and a half point favorites so I could get a bigger payoff. But I had to tie it in with the under like an idiot. Hey, don't look at me. I stopped talking football two weeks ago.

[00:35:12] Why are we every find a way to talk fucking football? Because everything's gambling, man. Anyway, that was it. Zachary Levi. Yeah, Zachary Levi. That's my rage. All right, then. Nice. Now listen close, Bryce. Rage. It's exciting. I forgot that it was even me.

[00:35:39] Last time on Rage or Dare, Jim apparently forgot how horrible it was to fish his wish from Bryce's bag of rage because he still went back there. Where he pulled the 1979 boxing film starring the one and only Barbara Streisand, that's right, Babs herself, in the film The Main Event. This week, it's both our little ragelings turn to rage or dare.

[00:36:07] Now, let's check in with Jim and see if his disdain for rom-coms and his separate disdain for sports movies will be compounded by the fact that this may also possibly be a musical. I mean, I'm not saying it is, but if Babs is in it, I mean, she might be singing, right? Is she boxing? I don't think she sings in it. Does she do any boxing? I don't remember her singing in it, at least. Yeah, she does a lot of things in this movie. So, orgy in her nose. Yes.

[00:36:37] That is a line from this movie. Yes. And then, holy crap, Babs and Ryan are the most overacting pair I've ever seen in my life. And they're overacting the shit out of this film. But we also get 70s leg warmers and aerobics and Babs, who is talking, I think, I want to say 2,000 words a minute, like she was on speed or something.

[00:37:04] I also had to watch this at half speed, just so I could make sense of what she was saying half the time. She does talk quick. She talks so frantic and fast paced through this entire movie. So the story is she gets ripped off by her accountant. So she's broke, except she owns Ryan O'Neill. Yes, that is, I think, was a joke in this, that she owns him.

[00:37:27] She has no money, so she's broke, except she has Ryan O'Neill to be a better boxer to get $350,000 to pay off her debt. Cue sports movie plot meets rom-com. But when I say but, what we also get is a ton of hot men's naked butts, but no women at all. So I guess this is a bit of a flip on social commentary of nudity in film in this era, I guess.

[00:37:57] We even get a small, very small side wiener shot, hubba hubba, from a giant black dude as Babs walks in. I don't remember side wiener in this. There was side wiener? There was side wiener in this, and Babs looking at his junk like she's thirsting after a delicious slur. Slurpee from 7-Eleven.

[00:38:23] The whole story idea had her being broke because of being ripped off, but she owns a perfume company, which seems to be fairly successful. That is, you know, successful. But this is like, it's written for people who like rom-coms, I think.

[00:38:42] So she sells her company to pay off some of her debt, but she still owns Ryan O'Neal's contract, which was to pay Ryan to do nothing because it was like some kind of stupid thing that he had going on with the accountant. But at the same time, he's still supposed to do two fights a year, which he never did. So she says he owes her money. So, sorry. So this is when the boxing rom-com story sort of starts.

[00:39:09] And if you were confused as what the fuck is happening, you weren't alone. I was feeling the exact same way. The acting in this is so horribly unwatchable and painfully overacted. I can't believe this was even made. And on top of that, we get the absolute typical model of horrible rom-com plots. He is a horrible person, and yes, she needs him to get her money back. But in no universe ever would they ever have fallen in love. But can you guess what happens?

[00:39:38] They fall in love? They fall in love. That's right. They fall in love. And getting someone as old as Ryan O'Neal to be a pro fighter also made no sense. And the funniest part about this was how fast he moves on her at a certain point, which made no sense in the story.

[00:39:56] All that being said, watching Ryan O'Neal box as Babs reading a book about how to box to tell him how to box was so absolutely hilarious for two minutes of this movie. I couldn't stop laughing at that scene. It was so completely ridiculous. It made me laugh for two minutes. Nothing about this made any sense because in no world would this ever have happened. The love, him boxing, any form of opportunity of him actually getting a fight or having a press party to profile him.

[00:40:26] This truly was not only the worst sports movie I've ever seen, but also the worst rom-com I've ever seen. On top of that, we had to wait through the entire rage-filled horror fest of a film before we get to the very end where we get a song by Babs. My good God, what a way to hold us hostage. But I did laugh for two minutes. So it was Mondo. So that one scene with her reading him how to box.

[00:40:55] So if I was Bryce, this might have made it all the way to meh. No. But of course, I'm not Bryce. Oh, did I mention the boxing scenes in this were so awful? You did. Not one punch actually landed on anyone ever through the entire movie. And the ending is the stupidest ending of a movie I've ever seen. She throws in the towel at this competition where they basically said it's an all or nothing and he's winning. And then I'm thinking to myself, what?

[00:41:25] Couldn't you have just let him win and then talk to him after the boxing match? But no, she threw in the money, threw in the towel to prove her love for him. Sounds awesome. This is torture. Thank you. It really was. I'm telling you, man. I spent some time on my bag. The last time I filled my bag, I was like willy-nilly just throwing it. And there were some bad stuff in it. But you ain't seen nothing yet, friend.

[00:41:56] I'm sure there's going to be something in there that I'm going to give him. I don't think so. I'm positive I'll find something. I don't think so. All right. Well, we got to choose something. What are we choosing? You know what? We haven't gone to the listener's dare bag for a while. All right. Let's see if we- We're almost- It's almost empty. We might have to reach out to our audience. Listener's dare bag. What have they come up with for us? Something good, I hope. Oh, it's always good. Not always, but sometimes. House of the Dead?

[00:42:26] No! Didn't we watch that already once? Is that the video game? Maybe. That's Uwe Boll. Yes. There you go. It's Uwe Boll. Want to pick a backup just in case we have it? It's amazing how often his name comes up. Pick a backup just in case. Because we had to have done that already. One of us at least. Yeah, I think you're right. I think it was you actually. Catwoman! There you go. Halle Berry. Catwoman's good. I like Catwoman. This is going to be the listener dare bag of me.

[00:42:55] Did we not do it? Because I remember watching Catwoman recently. Well, that's your problem. You sure? Yeah. I never would have asked you to watch it. I swear I watched it. Maybe I just watched it on my own accord. Maybe you did. You must have. But now you're going to get to watch Catwoman. Are you sure you don't need to pick a third one? Because I think that we did it. Well, you can search the web, but it's... All right. Well, here's the thing. I guarantee you can find at least one of those two. Here's the thing. I think, folks, if we can't find...

[00:43:25] Well, we're going to find both of them. But if we haven't seen House of the Dead, maybe we'll watch both of them. There you go. Because it's a slow week next week at the cinema. That's right. It is what it is. I mean, if we messed up thinking we saw something and we didn't, and we pick another one, well, if you picked it out of the bag, you've got to watch it if we haven't already done it. That's right. It might be a twofer. It might be a twofer next week. Twofer, yeah. It might be a zerofer, because I'm convinced I watched Catwoman. Well, you know what? We'll see. In bated breath, wait till next week. Yeah.

[00:43:55] This kind of seems like a cliffhanger. It's like, next week on Rage or Dare, will the boys be watching one, two, or three films? Well, thanks, Ragers, for listening. Thanks to the extended Film Rage family you can find in our show notes. Thanks to Casey, the nerdy photographer, for the voice of Rage or Dare. Find us on social media everywhere at Film Rage YYC. Check out everything Film Rage at FilmRageYYC.com, including our merch site for Redbubble and TeePublic. We're always going to make this a raging blast for all listeners, so please comment, like, subscribe, and send us emails to FilmRageCalgary at gmail.com.

[00:44:25] Dare us to see terrible movies to fuel our rage, but no matter what you do, please, please, please, pretty please, please, please make us a rage. That's it for this week. Rage on! Rage on! Rage on!