Simon Wells & Chris Raney's Dragon Fantasy Themed Trilogy

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[00:01:01] Welcome all, guess what? It's Dragon Fiend Week. That's right, everything we can think of. Sword and Sorcery, Sword and Sandals, Fantasy Epics. Again, just about every Dragon creature movie has been done. So it's up to me to come in and help out and just highlight something that hasn't been talked about.

[00:01:27] I haven't seen a single podcast cover this. Maybe an indie or B-movie podcast has, but I'm the one to basically turn the tide and just let people know what kind of crazy B-movie they're getting into.

[00:01:40] And so, lo and behold, I found a movie that's really... a movie series that's really not a movie series because they basically just filmed a bunch of shit together and just clobbered together and couldn't even bother to even... It's like it was self-aware that it sucked. Basically, don't get me wrong, I'll give some points. This isn't a rant, but...

[00:02:07] It's a hard bunch of movies to recommend. The most ardent fan of fantasy, action-adventure, futuristic war movies.

[00:02:18] And so, the marketing on these movies is brilliant. Like, basically, they're like from Christopher Newman, who was the, you know, assistant director and assistant producer on stuff like Game of Thrones, Star Wars Episode I, The Lord of the Rings, Rings of Power, and everything from Brazil to all kinds of other blockbusters. And you're just like, okay, but he doesn't even put his name on this, and I can't blame him.

[00:02:44] It's brilliant marketing in that you know it's going to be cheap. It's not going to be on the level of any of those productions it's promoted as being in the vein of. And yet, at the same time, you want to check it out because of the Morbid Curiosity. And the posters look pretty badass. It's got knights fighting and a giant dragon. So, yeah. Like many of these productions that have fallen apart, it's just too good to be true.

[00:03:13] And I'll get into the pros and cons of each one, but long story short, you can find these all on Amazon Prime, Tubi, YouTube, and Plex. And usually, when that's the case, it's because they're just really cheap, and no one's going to buy the DVD or Blu-ray. Anyway, and so, yeah. I think I sell companies like Quiver and High Flyers Film and Hollywood Vision.

[00:03:41] Release these, you know. And, again, these really aren't connected to each other, but they keep packaging them together. So, you know, you might as well review them all because you're going to watch them all if you buy those DVD Blu-ray packs. These guys have cheeky senses of humor. They're each made for about six million in UK pounds.

[00:04:06] And the directors and writers, Simon Wells and Ben Lloyd Holmes, basically also have acting credits. You can't tell any of them apart. If you look up their credits, you know, the director has done a bunch of animation gigs while a bunch of these actors have had big parts in every other UK show like James Bond. Even American shows that filmed in London a few seasons like Bones.

[00:04:33] And, I mean, in the crazy credits, according to IMDb, because I didn't stay for the credits because this movie wasn't that interesting. It was, they even had the nerve to say no animals or dragons are harmed in the making of this film. It's just, it's amateur hour. It's an interesting amateur hour, but it's also not there. And so, the cast is interesting.

[00:05:03] Rozo Hennessy is apparently, yeah, he's the Lord of Bones from Game of Thrones. So, he got onto here. Silvio Samak is a Croatian martial artist who you've seen in the third entries of both Transporter and John Wick. Had other big minor roles like DOA, Dead or Alive, Keanu Reeves, Mana Tai Chi, Undisputed Part 2.

[00:05:30] Some other just direct-to-video action, sci-fi, horror movies which call for a kung fu fighter, as well as The Shepherd Code with Don the Dragon Wilson. So, enough said. Yeah. He, unfortunately, is underutilized. You don't get to see much of his martial arts. But, yeah, so the first one was Knights of the Damned. And then it was followed, you know, by Dragon Kingdom.

[00:05:56] And, for whatever reason, each time it's packaged, they don't put him in the actual chronologic order. Now, while you could argue there is no chronologic order, you're going to be disappointed if you watch Knights of the Damned and then wonder where Silvio Samak is, you know, or vice versa. And, you know, it's because he dies. So, the worst thing a movie can do is be forgettable. An even worse moment is when it's got potential, but it just bores you the entire time.

[00:06:25] So, Knights of the Damned had the audacity to start off with all these knights sent by a king who is only mentioned and never seen. Kind of script writing 101. I want to at least see this person you keep mentioning who's so special. Either way, wasn't going to incorporate the king in any way into the story. So, there's okay production value.

[00:06:52] And then, like, they face off with a dragon. The dragon takes off. It's not convincing CGI, but you accept that this could at least be decent in a B-movie, TV, made-for-video kind of way. And then, they just start getting besieged by, you know, they keep saying, Oh, the castle's besieged. More like, we go on a bunch of side quests and we stitch them all together.

[00:07:17] And as the movie goes on, it looks way, way, way more cheaper. Like, a digital video does not have to look this bad. Like, so whoever's framing it, again, they're just so in love with their vision, you know. But all I ask for is at least have decent production value. And it's just, unfortunately, they just, it's that crappy, oversaturated, lots of white, cheap white light that also cheapens the production.

[00:07:45] And the dialogue isn't there. Everyone's so in love with themselves, but the lines are just too cute for them to say coherently. And again, I think that's just it. I think these fuckers thought this job was going to really land them somewhere, but it really isn't. And as our UK pals might say, it's all a load of pants. It's all a load of bollocks.

[00:08:11] Um, so as they go on, they basically get romanced or, uh, just beaten up by all these other, uh, women and barflies and other shit. And then they have to fight a bunch of cannibals for whatever reason. And it's pretty much everything is here just as an excuse to not only sell the movie, but basically stitch it all together. It doesn't feel like much of a movie.

[00:08:39] And that's a real fucking shame. Cause yeah, some of these posters go, oh, Dead Game of Thrones versus The Walking Dead. And it's like, you know, this isn't going to be a zombie movie, especially when it's downplayed in the plot description. And yeah, why would you say versus? There's, wouldn't you say meets? So a lot of hack jobs here. So let's go on to the next one. I've talked way too much about that. So followed by Dragon Kingdom.

[00:09:08] Now this movie at least has the audacity to look like a cinematic kind of movie. Like some, even if it's something you would show at a festival or whatever, you know, it, there's no, uh, tracking shots or out of focus stuff like crap in the first one. And as usual, this time they're like, and now it's Harry Potter meets Game of Thrones. And I'm like, cause get it? The effects team worked on this.

[00:09:36] So this one, again, like they always get your attention in the first 10 minutes and then fall to shit. So it just goes to shit. And in this case are knights from the last one, you know, pick up here and save a village from the cannibals again from the first movie. And then literally as soon as they get done slaughtering the cannibals, like you have all these other people playing the villagers overacting.

[00:10:04] And I don't know what it is with the director, Simon Wells. He loves to portray just about every female as either a hostage and arrogant, powerful woman or just as an idiot. And it gets old really fast when you got all these guys you don't care for, who basically are the only ones to follow around because they got the weapons and the other people are just stupid.

[00:10:32] So yeah, the, the dragon looked nice, way, way better detailed. Like the, so basically they have a dragon egg they randomly stole and they just get back and the dragon takes off. Yeah, I'm not kidding. You know, that's probably going to make you out of morbid curiosity, go check these movies out. And by all means, be my fucking guest. They are free to watch online anywhere.

[00:11:01] So after that, this movie, I can only, you know, the first movie was a dud. I would probably give that, you know, a one or two out of five. It's a pretty well-deserved low IMDb score. And this one, yeah, I would give it at least a five out of 10. So that'd be a two and a half out of five on the five star scale. Because it's at least engaging and goes on and on.

[00:11:25] It looks like everybody tried to get their lines better this time instead of just whatever's in the can. That's what we're using. And so then from that point on, then they go on a bunch of other unrelated adventures. And unfortunately, again, why are you calling it Dragon Kingdom when there's dragons used for just less than 10 minutes?

[00:11:53] And so then there's all these other just people turning on each other, all this other shit. And then they keep saying there's these 12 kingdoms and bring these Qatari warrior women with you. You know, and unfortunately, it's just all not interestingly introduced or it's all, again, kind of just doing screenwriting 101.

[00:12:22] And we get that these are low budget movies, but they could have set so much up at the start and then just kind of winged it. And so, again, it's less incompetent this go around. But the script is still just having boredom set in because everything you've been promised is just not happening. You have to literally just be very, very bored to get anything out of this.

[00:12:48] And that's just not going to happen, you know, unless you worked on this or you're a completist and want to watch anything with knights and sword, sorcery and dragons. But let's go into the good stuff.

[00:13:00] So, yeah, then the only time where this movie gets anywhere near imaginative is then just the warrior women and the knights run into a forest. I'd call it more of a jungle, but whatever. I'm just making stuff up to make it more interesting than it actually is at this point. But no, I kid.

[00:13:31] I would have loved to see it in a jungle, though. So then, yeah, they get stopped by a bunch of orcs who've got all these warrior women prisoners. And even though there's no nudity or assault or anything, it just comes off as very sultry and sleazy, the way everyone's dressed. But yeah, so they got these basic orcs. They don't call them orcs, but you know what they are. If you're a fantasy connoisseur and maestro like me.

[00:14:01] And every other reviewer who reviewed this movie pretty much thought the same. The guy voicing the main head orc slash troll, whatever you want to call him, is really good. And the dark... I actually dug not only the voice of the actor playing him, but the dark blue and suits and everything that looked nice. And so basically, this is where it becomes all Enter the Dragon Running Man. They're like, hey, we're going to have you fight our slaves and warrior people.

[00:14:31] And, you know, if you want out of this forest alive. And so, yeah, it becomes a fight to the death movie. But it's by that point is way too long to have upped your interest. This should have been the main movie. The main plot. And so, yeah. It's the only time where it gets anywhere near where it has a vision.

[00:14:56] After being watchable but very dull for most of the run time. So, trust me, I'm a very forgiving guy. I have seen plenty of direct-to-video movies starring has-beens. I have seen plenty of TV shows. And I've been to film school. I get what goes into this. And unfortunately, again, the people who are working on this are just too in love with themselves. But it gets interesting in those last 10 minutes.

[00:15:24] And makes you wish that some other producer or co-writer could have come in and say, let's punch this up. Let's restructure that. Let's have that be the main plot. Let's have that be plot A, not the finale or secondary plot B. So, yeah. There's a decapitation of the main troll. And everybody's all happy. And so, let's move on to the third one.

[00:15:48] The UK DVD guys had the nerve to package this other movie along with it. And that is basically a movie that you know can't be that great. When you got, again, all these fake reviews plastered on again saying, write out a Lord of the Rings. And, again, you can find this one anywhere. And for whatever reason, it looks like it was related. And, alas, that is not the case.

[00:16:16] It's just another movie that is known on IMDb as The Dwarves of Dimroll. Other sites have it. Basically, the full title is like The Dwarves of Dragon Mountain. And then other most streaming and DVD sites are just going to call it Dragon Mountain. And so, this one is even more interesting because, again, it doesn't have Jack Diddle to do with all those other movies. It's interesting from a low-budget perspective.

[00:16:44] It's co-written and directed by Chris Rainey, who's just starting out. And these guys were brilliant. And basically, there's a narration describing a tunnel collapse. And the dragon in the trailer is only in the first five minutes. It's reasonably well animated. It leaves you wanting more. But this feels like a sizzle reel for what someone could do better or bigger or better. And they do not do.

[00:17:12] So, basically, it's just three dwarves who happen to be miners. No, I don't mean that kind of miners. I mean that they work in the coal mines. And they must work collectively to combat starvation. And, yeah. So, basically, as the synopsis says, despair, starvation, and a mysterious creature. Now, don't be fooled by that.

[00:17:38] Like, this is a single location. So, that's not bad for an indie production. But, unfortunately, again, the dragon's only in the first five minutes. So, don't expect anything else. And then, yeah. The rest of the time, it's them trapped in a cave. To the movie's credit, it's actually intriguing.

[00:18:08] It's the most watchable out of all of these movies. You know, the first one was done. The second one showed some ambition. But wasn't that great, ultimately. Because it just squandered its potential. And then, yeah. This third one that isn't related. But a lot of these places keep packaging them together. As if they're sequels or similar themed. And even though this one squanders its potential.

[00:18:37] It's at least interesting. So, again. I can't give a passing grade to any of these. But this is the best one of the lot. The third was saved for last. So, yeah. Yeah. I will applaud this one. Because this guy focused on what he could do well. And didn't just randomly do shit. Like, just, I'm going to put all my friends in my movie. Even though they're not great actors. You know?

[00:19:06] So, yeah. This was way, way more intriguing. And I think I've summed it up. I think I've shat on these movies enough. But, yeah. If you're going to watch any of these. Again. You know you're not going to get anywhere near the production quality Game of Thrones. You know? Even if you're a Dragon Complete just like me. Again. We were already reviewing plenty of better dragon movies. And much better ones this same week. Again. Stick with Dragon Slayers. Stick with Reign of Fire. Stick with even Dragonheart. And, obviously.

[00:19:36] Even if you're not a Lord of the Rings guy. There is way better fantasy movies. You know? Out there. That feature knights in shining armor. And, obviously. It doesn't even come close to Conan the Barbarian territory. If you're that old school. The actors playing the dwarves did decent. Even though they weren't always talking in the same frame. You know? It at least looked like a gritty creature movie. But, yeah. Just be warned, guys. There's a reason this third one. It's just fantasy. You know? It's just someone had the audacity to call it.

[00:20:05] It's Lord of the Rings meets the decent. And, I'm like. Yeah. That's way more accurate. Once you take that out of context. So, I mean. Yeah. The trailer is obviously more action-packed than it looks. Don't be fooled. It's very easy to edit a few minutes together. And, make it look bigger than it is. I'd even compare it probably to The Hobbit. They came across these dragon eggs. And, what have you. They're in these mines. But, if you were to make it more claustrophobic. That's basically what you get. So, long story short. Simon Wells.

[00:20:35] Please stay away from a camera. Chris Haney. You did Dragon Mountain. Slash Dwarves of Dimeral. You're welcome to try out something anytime. You clearly had a vision. Which is not what I can say about all these other guys. So, first movie. Complete dud. Second movie. Slightly improved. But, still mediocre experience. And, this one. Average. You'd give it, likely, a 5 out of 10. In my case, 2 and a half out of 5. Just because, again. Even though the movie had its shortcomings.

[00:21:04] Which was pretty much all of it. It still had some potential. And, kept you. I kept watching. Hey. I didn't look at my watch. And, there was less going on here. Than in those other movies. So, that says a lot. And, I think it's just, again. When you disappoint people. And, can't even get to those 90 minutes. That's when you tap out. It doesn't matter how much time they were invested. How much they were in love with themselves. In love with their stuff.

[00:21:34] It just didn't have many great takes. Or, anything that they could edit together. And, make interesting. And, this one. Again. It's not a great movie. It's a very average movie. This last one. The dwarf movie. It's still interesting in that. Hey. I can at least see this guy. Being given a bigger budget. And, doing a kickass. Similar TV show. Or, movie franchise. So, yeah. This is an interesting lot, guys. And, I applaud.

[00:22:04] Again. Whoever worked on the third one. Because, you didn't have much going on. But, you were able to maintain my interest. So, kudos to you. That's way more insight. Way more engagement. Than I can say for the first two movies. Anyone wanting to find them. Again. They're all on Fawcim. Prime. To be YouTube. I personally saw them on YouTube. And, that way. I could better verify. Which movie was which. So. Applause to anybody.

[00:22:33] Who wants to check them out. Definitely. Just watch. The dwarf movie. Because it feels like. A proof of concept. Like. These guys could easily do. Go beyond just doing a Lord of the Rings fan film. They could do a legit fantasy movie. If you gave them. 12 more. Millions of pounds. And. Kudos to whoever. Whoever. Wanted to. Market. These crazy movies. Knowing that. All us. Dumb asses. Would buy them. So. Well played. You got your time.

[00:23:03] You didn't get my money. But you still got my time. And I gave it. Way more thought. than it deserved but hey i decided to do something differently instead of just be like oh i guess i'm out of dragon movies it's like nope there's plenty of other dragon movies so thank you all for

[00:23:21] listening hope we entertained your earbuds and see you another time you'll return after these messages

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